原來﹐你已經走了
2002 Family Pic
今早起來時﹐聽見電話﹐想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。
所以﹐我決定上班。
原來﹐你快要離開了。
剛到公司時﹐收到電話﹐說﹕可能熬不過。
想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。
所以﹐我決定工作。
原來﹐我來不及說再見了。
無法工作﹐再次收到電話﹐說﹕回來吧。
想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。
看著空無一人的車卡﹐想哭。
但﹕不能哭﹐早上哭﹐腳頭不好。
看天﹐看地﹐看風景…
踏著走了十幾年的行人路﹐想哭。
但﹕不能哭﹐早上哭﹐腳頭不好。
看天﹐看地﹐看行人…
開了你家的門﹐爸爸說﹕爺爺死了。
突然發現
原來﹐我的眼淚﹐如其它人一般廉價。
原來﹐你已經走了。
上了車﹐要趕著見你最後一面,
見最後一面﹐是為了你走得安心﹐還是讓我可以活得安心﹖
不重要了。
想哭。
所以﹐哭了。
醫院外﹐媽媽來電話﹐說﹕他們已經不許人進來了。
我大叫﹕什麼叫不許﹖﹗我已經到了﹗
想哭。
哭了。
急症室外﹐看著推門出來的親人們﹐說﹕醫生已經把爺爺送走了。
見不到了。
真的見不到了。
原來﹐你已經走了。
想哭﹐不能哭不能哭﹐要堅強哪
原來﹐我做不到。
所以﹐奶奶轉身後﹐
哭了﹐
又哭了﹐
哎呀﹐眼淚不出來了﹐
可是﹐
好像還是在哭啊…
好痛好痛好痛
心好痛
想你想你想你﹐如此捨不得你
為什麼為什麼為什麼
如果聽到電話時沒上班的話﹐
那…
如果﹐不能工作就回來的話﹐
就或許…
如果﹐我把想送給你和奶奶的書如期寫出來﹐
你會不會知道﹐
其實﹐
我很愛你﹐
我最親愛的﹐最可愛的爺爺﹖
知道你活得快樂﹐努力令自己快樂﹐令自己身邊的人快樂﹐
所以
為你自豪﹐
為你驕傲﹐
但﹐好捨不得你。
知道你的生命多姿多彩﹐悠長而無悔
所以﹐
為你開心
為你興幸
但﹐好想你…
以後﹐再不能拍拍你圓圓的肚肚﹐
以後﹐再不能摸摸你銀白的頭髮﹐
以後﹐再不能為你的笑話哭笑不得﹐
以後﹐再不能教訓你﹐說你古板﹐
以後﹐再不能怪你口水亂飛﹐
以後﹐再不能說下次飲茶我請﹐
以後﹐再不能說有的話一定帶個男朋友給你過目﹐
以後﹐再不能說要贊助你環游世界﹐
以後﹐再不能說不想吃你馳名的”陳家炒飯”﹐
以後﹐再不能扶你﹐陪你逛街﹐
以後﹐再不能講你耳背﹐不想跟你說話﹐
以後﹐再不能笑你又重看還珠格格﹐
以後﹐再不能聽你總指揮的號令﹐
以後﹐再不能說你是世上最帥最可愛的爺爺…雖然你的確是…
看著﹐你買給我的五塊錢手錶﹐
穿著﹐你不知從哪裡掏出來的裙子(發現我果然太胖了)
戴著﹐你無意中從地上撿到﹐拼命塞給我的銀手鏈﹐
而你﹐已經走了。
知道﹐你其實很疼我
知道﹐你其實也捨不得我
知道﹐你其實也很愛我﹐不﹐應該是說﹐我們。
你想對我們說…
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會堅強的﹔
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會好好照顧奶奶的﹔
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會幸福的。
好捨不得好捨不得好捨不得你。
但﹐好希望好希望好希望你安心。
無論你身在何方﹐
知道你一定會看著我們﹐
我們也會很想很想你…
But, you were already gone.
Woke up in the morning to the phone: He had an episode.
Though: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
So, I went to work.
But, you were about to leave.
Arrived at the office, got a call: Maybe he won’t make it.
Thought: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
So, I started work.
But, I’ve lost my chance to say goodbye.
Couldn’t work. Phone rang: Come back.
Thought: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
Watching the empty car, wanting to cry.
No. No crying in the morning; it’s bad luck.
So I watched the sky, ground, scenery passing by…
Walking the familiar way home, wanting to cry.
No. No crying in the morning; it’s bad luck.
So I watched the sky, ground, people passing by…
Opened your door, dad said: Grandpa is dead.
And I discovered
that my tears can come rather sudden.
But, you were already gone.
Got in the car to see you for the last time.
To see you for the last time, so you can leave in peace, or so I may live in peace?
Ah, not important anymore.
Wanted to cry.
So, cried.
Outside the hospital, mom said: They won’t permit anyone else in.
I screamed: What’s “wont permit?” I’m here already!
Wanted to cry.
So, cried.
Outside the ER, family member exited and said: The doctor has already taken grandpa away.
I lost you.
I’ve lost the last chance to see you.
But, you were already gone.
Wanted to cry. Can’tcrycan’tcrycan’ttry. I must be strong.
But, not strong enough.
So, when grandma turned around.
Cried.
Cried again.
The tears won’t come.
But still crying.
And somewhere inside.
It hurt.
It hurt.
And thoughts of you flooded the mind
And I asked “why”
Whywhywhywhywhy?
If I didn’t leave for work after the first call…
Then…
If I left work after I got there…
Maybe…
If I finished the book I promised you and grandma
Would you then know
That, really,
I loved you very much?
My dearest
most darling, grandpa?
I know you lived happily, happy for yourself and your family.
So,
I’m always proud of you.
But… I miss you.
I know you’ve lived a long and eventful life.
So,
I’m happy for you.
But… I miss you.
From now on,
no more patting your round tummy;
no more tugging your silvery hair;
no more getting exasperated at your bad jokes;
no more lecturing you, claiming you to be too stubborn;
no more dodging your raining spit;
no more promising “dimsum on me next week”;
no more empty promises of bring home a boyfriend;
no more claiming sponsorship for your round-the-world tour;
no more complaining about your famous “Chan’s Fried Rice”;
no more supporting you as we walked through the city;
no more rolling my eyes at your hard of hearing;
no more poking fun of your obsession with TV;
no more taking orders from the “commander in chief”;
From now on, no more telling you that you are the world’s most adorable and handsome grandpa.
But… of course you are.
Looking at the five dollar watch you bought,
Donning the dress you conjured up from nowhere (and realized I gained weight)
Wearing the silver bracelet you discovered on the ground and squeezed into my hands,
But you… were already gone.
I know how you took care of me.
I know you must miss me too.
I know you loved me, no, us, too.
You wanted to tell us…
Yes, I understand: We will be strong.
Yes, I understand: We will take care of grandma.
Yes, I understand: We will be happy.
ImissyouImissyouImissyou.
But… I wish you for you to be free.
Wherever you are,
I know you would be watching us…
And we will always, really really miss you.
—————————————–
10/09 雖然這一篇很多年前就寫下了，但是今天才有這個機會放出來。公開，就是放開的第一步吧？This is written much earlier for the grandpa on my dad’s side who passed away on 3/21/03. Didn’t really publish it until now. Sharing, is perhaps the first step to healing? Translation was done 10/19/09.
Creative Writing, Dear You, Poetry, 中文
Family, Poetry
