Notes of a Desolate Libra

Libras have a strong sense of the individual but are not individualists. They love community but do not blend themselves into everyone else. They just have... "personality," but are not too obnoxious/loud about it.

You may never see the core of a Libra, but that's how they can keep balance. Most people just can't accept that they cannot possess a Libra's heart in entirety... but it's only because they are straightforward that you know there's a part that they do not/cannot show you. They do not like to hide/keep secrets - not in their nature, they're too lazy (that's their motto).

Their spirits soar high, but their hearts are constant. This means that if they love you, they really do love you. You are a permanent resident in their hearts. They may run off far away once in a while, but really, please believe that they still love you and will come back to you. Unfortunately, many people do not understand this and choose to abandon Libras first. Libras generally handle heartache pretty well, but that's because they spend their entire being on balancing themselves so they do not affect others. It's usually a pleasure to hang out with Libras because they try not to let their internal emotional balance work affect you.

Libras are not flaky; they always carry things through to the end, even if that's not the same end they expected; they always keep their promises, even if it takes a little while for them to get around to it.

Libras love to travel and try new things (that replenishes their life force), but they always know what the important things are to them and certain bottom lines would never be crossed.

It's true, you may feel like you could never see the true heart of a Libra, but that's because it's so simple that you may not even recognize it even if it were laid out in front of you. Libras are strange creatures. You give them something and they will know to return in equal or more, but they only ask that you do not try to own them.

If you can accept all that, if you can love a Libra, then I assure you, you will be one of the luckiest man/woman. Most people don't, which is why according to statistics Libras are (apparently) usually the last be married out of the twelve astrological signs, even though it would seem they should be the first to be married off because of their outgoing and pleasant personalities and overall qualities. Figures.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Can you see my true face? It's right *there*."]

*I apologize if it seems oddly self-serving for me to be writing this since, obviously, I'm a Libra. But really, everything is from my heart. For you people who can't see it. PUH! Don't think Libras can't get hurt/are cold! :p

Recently my friend Selina sent me a link to a site with horoscope analysis and I found the description of Libras amazing accurate. A lot of people deny the relevancy of horoscopes, but I believe that anything that has lasted through the thousands of years of history must have some validity to it. Here is what they wrote about Libras. If you follow the link to the source post in Libras, you'll also find analysis on the other horoscopes as well. You know best if they're accurate or not.

That said, I still have to say, Libras sometimes do enjoy company, because other people tend to bring surprises to their lives because that keeps life interesting:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="The "C"*"]

Source: http://blog.udn.com/m208025/2163560

優雅的天秤在燈紅酒綠中微笑轉身，顧盼神采，灑脫如同水中的魚。他們與紅酒，水晶杯，晚禮服，鋼琴曲是那麼的相得益彰，漫不經意的吸引著公眾的眼光……
幾乎所有人都有這樣一種印象：
天秤座的人善意、可親，愛交朋友。於是大家也由此認為天秤是群居生物，必然是害怕獨處，喜歡熱鬧的。

但，事實並不是表面看來那樣簡單。
的確，天秤是個和平使者。在公眾場合可以很好地調節氣氛使之均衡。氣氛熱烈時，他們會沉靜的壓住陣腳；氣氛冷凝時，他們會運用不著痕跡的輕鬆幽默化解堅冰。總之他們不會隨波逐流去助長氣氛的冷熱，而是像用天秤稱量物品一樣，加減砝碼，使之維持水平狀態。 

而他們在做這種加減的時候，動作是優雅的，態度是和悅的，看起來漫不經心不動聲色。實際上，他們是很有心計的人，儘管眾口難調，也可以找到一種萬全的方式來使全局和諧起來。
但是這並不是說他們喜歡主宰，只是因為他們看不得失衡，那會使他們如坐針氈。
因此，儘管慵懶的天秤座討厭麻煩，討厭得要命，他們還是會不由自主地擔負起調節的責任。也許正因如此，使得天平在公眾場合從未放鬆過自己。性格使他們承擔了不必要的責任，無可推卸。 

他們不吝惜金錢，卻吝惜自由的時間和安靜的休閒時光。像所有風向星座一樣，他們喜歡自由，喜歡像風一樣誰也捉不住他。
他們喜歡自在獨立的空間。就算你是他最好的朋友，也不要老和他粘在一起，你要知道他並不喜歡如此，儘管他不會直接說出來。你也得相信，你的天秤座朋友也許半年也沒有音信，但是只要一見面，你還是他最好的朋友。因為他就是這種交友方式，你拿他怎麼辦？ 

"我懶得……"
這是天秤座的口頭語。他們懶得出門，懶得聚會，懶得應酬……所以他們並不是很喜歡參加party。倒是寧願呆在家裡上網，看書，畫畫。他們自身是均衡的，一個人的均衡總比一群人的均衡來的容易。所以他們喜歡獨處。 

通常，天秤座的人會給人一見如故的感覺，因為他們有著溫婉的微笑和優雅的舉止。對初次見面的人，天秤座往往表現出自己最討人喜歡的一面：善解人意，大方，誠懇，健談。但是這種熱情勁兒不會長久。冷漠何時到來取決於你與他交往的頻率。你越是粘得緊，他就冷得越快。因為他們喜歡"君子之交清淡如水"。不是他們不喜歡同伴，而是他們和人交往更多地關注了對方的情緒，總想著照顧對方心情，不要發生衝突，所以感覺像是在工作一樣，無法真正的放鬆。 

較之對宮白羊座，天秤是另一種獨立的個體。白羊是一種外在的獨立，內心是熱的；天秤則是表面看似親和力很強，內心卻是任誰也無法融入的。天秤的冷靜，連他們自己也覺得驚訝。"我居然如此冷漠！太不可思議了……"他們審視自己的時候，感覺有點陌生。那是因為他們把內心世界掩飾得連自己都騙過了。
他們控制情緒的能力太強了。最親近的人會感覺到，天平給人不露聲色的隔離感，有時會被埋怨"太冷靜了，我都不知道你在想什麼！"
可是他們不是故意要隱瞞什麼，只是出於本能。一個連自己都騙過了的人，你還能要求他對你坦白什麼？ 

他們不喜歡歇斯底里，不喜歡痛哭失聲，不喜歡安慰別人也不怎麼喜歡被安慰。因為他們懂得，誰也無法真正理解另一個人。 

天秤，其實是很獨立的一個星座。他們在霓虹燈影裡微笑，在燈火闌珊處寂寞。他們叫你懂得：孤獨的最高境界是繁華。

*See 5/15 HK recap for explanation

Now, how is all this talk about Justice relevant to me? Yes, I'm a Libra. I am a Wind sign and belong to the Sword suite. I've always considered myself the Queen of Swords. This is not always a positive thing. Winds tend to depend solely on their intellect/mind for guidance (which often leads to over thinking). Swords have been through rough times and can afflict great pain upon others and more often, themselves. QS is especially known for such tendencies. It's unhealthy.

While most people think that they should make most of their time because life is short, I want to make the most of my time because life is long. You sometimes may forget that you have to live with yourself and everything that you have done everyday onwards. That's NOT to say you shouldn't make mistakes, it actually means that even if you make mistakes, you are not stuck with them. You can always break free. There is choice. At least that's true for those of us who live in the free and developed world. That's why people have midlife crises, because as they grow older and take stock of everything they have (or don't have) one day, they realize that perhaps they've left a dream or two, a person or two, behind in their past that they now wish they had pursued. This is also why people change their minds about their love (career, direction in life, etc.), because when life is so long, you grow, and it could either be closer to, or further apart from what/who you already have. How do you deal? You breakdown, then start over - if you dare, and if you have the guts to deal with the consequences.

While most people tend to fall for someone who is close to them, whom they can have great conversations, who is a "best friend" type, I tend to prefer the type that I can just simply sit around and just enjoy silence with and can appreciate my introvert side. People say opposites attract. Perhaps that's why I feel in such ways. My Pisces Moon sign makes me very slow to warm up to people emotionally. Libras on the other hand, can become your best friends after the first hour. Having to juggle the two and deal with the fact that people think I tend to attract guys on purpose (more popularly known as flirt) BUT always play coy and never fall for one is a frustrating act that I cannot avoid and a vicious recurrence with sometimes dire results that has plagued since I could remember (or notice).

It's all about balance, at the loss of which I am plunged into emotional/mental hell.

I believe that everything in the world revolves around cause and effect 因果循環, or karma, whichever term you use, it just means whatever you do, good or bad, will eventually come back to you, whether you recognize it or not (enter Justin Timberlake? Yikes). Some time (days, months, years) later, you will look back and realize what you did. The important thing is - can you live with it? I tend to take responsibility for everything that I to others or all the pain that (I feel) I caused others, but I never really take the time to analyze what I am doing to myself. I have always tried so very hard to avoid hurting other people, but never realized that all along I have been hurting myself without ever even blinking. While trying to balance my sense of individualism with the cultured need for security, and while trying to balance deflecting unwanted attention and going after the person(s) that I want, I lose myself.

That is what Justice showed me. The person that I have been the most unfair to is - moi. How silly. I don't know how I made the link between the card and this internal issue. I just knew that I had to rethink the path that I had taken.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="360" caption="Center"]

A Libra's biggest fear is losing balance. And its biggest challenge is to bring balance back into its life. That's essentially their life long work, since they're so often out of balance (and this affects them, unlike the other signs). Right now, my biggest hope is that Justice can allow me to see when I am doing something that is truly beneficial to all (inc. myself) or for whatever reason, I've decided to throw someone under the bus (often myself). Supposedly, I am inspiring because I never give up on things I care about. If I may find the Strength within to continue my walk through life and accept all my mistakes while I pursue my perpetually evolving ideals, I will have finally reached my balance. Fortunately, I already know this is what I must do, and I have a lifetime to do it.

And so, the journey begins (again). Whenever, whenever, whatever.

Last night I had a lovely outing with 4 of my dear friends. Of course, I was (again) the ONLY non-Taiwanese girl present. We first went to Le Souk for an awesome dinner (and Sangria), then went to Apple for more chatting (and drinkies).

Three of us were Libras. The others two were a VERY un-Virgo Virgo plus a Capricorn with Libra for a Moon sign. It's a strange occasion with you have many Libras (or Libra leaning ppl) in the room. Most of us are in some creative industry (we had 2 graphic designers, a translator, and an actor) and we can laugh about almost anything under the sun. It's always a pleasure for ME to talk to Libras in particular because they understand 100% the reasons and motivation behind my actions. Whereas I need to explain to most people WHY I want to wander, the Libra girls just look at me and say "oh, I'm so envious"... yep... it's like looking into multiple mirrors.

The funniest thing I found out for the night was that after much deliberation, everyone concurred that ultimately I'll probably end up with a Pisces (which, unfortunately, is my Moon sign and apparently makes me extremely vulnerable to anything to do with matters of the heart - serious bummer). Of course, mixed in that was everyone telling me that they thought I was a lesbian the first time they met me (%^@#*$& EVERYONE!?). In the end, I decided it was time for me to explore my feminine side (= =+). C'mon, I'm a Libra, I'm BORN with good taste. ^^

Libras also never give in. They are idealists who, even when they don't know exactly what they want, have an ideal that they try to pursue. It's usually not an easy path (for me it's been downright blargh), but somehow we always get up after we've been beaten down... and we gain a new and better perspective. I translated a phrase before that said "those who keep half fantasy and half reality and destined to wander" - well, most people fall into the "think but not do because it's just a fantasy" majority... whereas I fall into the "if you're thinking about it why not just do it" minority because I'm just insane that way.

Three of us are slated to leave NYC by July. One is leaving next week and I am just a sitting time bomb with no set time for detonation. But somehow, in the air that's stained with the negativity of recent days, we looked forward with a positive light. We all appreciate everything that we have and we are grateful for having wonderful friends and being able to enjoy a lovely dinner and evening. That's better than most people these days. But we also want to support each other in our individual struggles. It's not going to be easy for any of us, but somehow... we'll make it through.

總覺得，可以這樣和一群志趣相投，來自不同地方的可愛女生一起，天南地北無所不談，上天還是很眷顧我的。這世上，好的朋友不用多，但是如果能夠得到一份真正的友誼，那是多美麗、多難得的一份機遇啊？許多人都不懂得惜福，認爲自己的所有得到的都是應得的，當有什麽不順的事情發生的時候就怨天尤人，也不會想自己有否盡過努力。我們每一個，雖然不算得上是什麽大人物，完成過什麽驚人功業，但是我們都有一顆善良的心，有著自己的執著與理想，也爲了這些對他人來説可能是渺小的可笑的生活目標努力著。我們心裏，永遠都是充滿了對於一切的愛。何其有幸，世界那麽大，但我能夠遇上你們。親愛的朋友們！雖然我們可能很快就會各自走在不同城市的街道上，或許我們以後沒有機會再這樣大家一起相聚聊天，但是在我的記憶中，總是會留下了你們的倩影，記下了我們的點滴。在未來、在以後，讓我們好好品嘗。再度遇上的時候，無論我們已經經歷有過什麽令我們覺得痛苦傷心失望疲倦的階段，也讓我們像這天一樣快樂、幸福！

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="410" caption="Memories of the Night"]

曲還

假若你我從沒有錯過
沒有短暫的迷惑
何來有緣無份之說
也不知失去的許多

離去的你 留下了我
如海浪催行中的水波
總找不到該停留的住所

但若有天你想起回頭看我
就會發現我和大家一樣
或許不再停留在原地
但依然是帶著有你的回憶
微笑地 等待著
你曾經的盈盈笑語

Some may know by now that I had an emotional breakdown in December 2008 that led to my epiphany in PR later that month and ultimately to my decision to leave everything in my life and start a new journey, wherever that shall lead me. The trigger of this breakdown was something that people may find unfathomable - drawing the Justice card from my tarot deck during one of my routine daily drawings.

Now I know not everyone buys into the concept of tarot cards. I don't try to force feed it to anyone. It's the same as how I appreciate other people not attempting to convince me of the benefits of a particular religion. For those who believe in a certain higher power, they receive rewards that only they will know. Likewise, doing tarot gives me rewards that only I would understand.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="277" caption="Justice|Responsibility|Decision|Cause and Effect"]

The keywords listed under the card are from Joan Bunning's excellent book and online tarot course.

To me, Justice means any and all of the following:

1) Duality
2) Responsibility
3) Cause and Effect
4) Law and Humanity in the Scale and Sword （法不外乎人情）
5) Astraea (not Athena) - Goddess of Justice
6) Libra -> Wind Element -> Swords

All of these concepts or representations resonate with me deeply. Often, Tarot works on an unconscious level that one may not even acknowledge until he comes face-to-face with it. Such was my case. When I drew the card, a sudden burst of emotions hit me, and I knew that there were some issues for me to work out internally that can be tied to this card. So off I went to search for the meaning of this card.

Justice, whose corresponding horoscope sign is aptly the ever self adjusting Libra, is positioned in the middle of the Major Arcana. After the external struggles and discoveries in the first half of the major arcana, Justice marks the beginning of a rational person's journey inward, exploring his insecurities, fears and fallacies, but also celebrating his uniqueness, mindfulness, and achievements. Interestingly enough, its corresponding number 11 can be broken down to 1 & 1, another example of the element of equality and balance in this card.

The inherent duality of the card (right and wrong, black and white, true and false) may lead one to think that there is no middle ground. Decisions are wrong/right, responsibilities are taken/forsaken, someone is guilty/not guilty, etc. Au contraire, there are so many factors in our lives that can tilt our scales that we must always be aware that change and variability is POSSIBLE and make our decision with that in mind. Life is much less B/W than varied shades of gray. In a court of law, people can still appeal on grounds of circumstance and mental state. Whether a crime was committed in cold blood or out of self-defense makes a difference. The act may still be the same, but often we shift our perspectives depending on what we know. This is why Law cannot be placed outside the fundamentals of Humanity.

Astraea lived among humans, but belongs to the heavens. Because of this, she has seen both worlds and is able to make her decisions with knowledge of both sides. Many of us just see one side of the story, but there is never just that one side. How many of us are willing to take the time to learn about all the sides? At least I know Libras do. And I do.

(continued)

爲什麽會為自己的家改這個名字？其實有兩個原因，而剛好我又是一個捨棄不下任何東西的人，就把兩者合併起來了。

「荒人手記」是出自臺灣作者朱天文的一本小説。其中有一段話是我最爲喜歡的：

「時間是不可逆的

生命是不可逆的

然則書寫的時候

一切不可逆者皆可逆」

我不是小韶（朱天文），我沒有他的文采，也（慶幸）沒有他的經歷。但是我愛文字，偶爾甚至會想自己已經到了對它癡狂的程度。看著它，寫著它，我可以流淚，可以歡笑，可以憤怒，可以悲傷，可以跟自己說，原來世上還有這種同樣想法的人，活著還不錯嘛。活著，説來簡單，卻是佈滿艱難。生活，説來痛苦，原來卻是我們自己在不厭其煩地為它添上一筆筆糊塗賬。

「這是頹廢的年代，這是預言的年代。我與它牢牢的綁在一起，沉到最低，最底了。」所以，讓「一切沉到最底」吧。於是，在最底的深處，讓我重新再來，透過文字來探討生命。

另外一個原因，自然是這個名字的後半。我是一個可以算是典型的天秤座，擁有著它的各種優點弱點，對它們同時自傲與無奈。誰說一個天秤不喜歡獨處？誰說天秤最愛流連花間？誰說天秤不可果斷？太多太多屬於秤子的特質我不認同，卻很悲哀的了解到，自己很愛當一個秤子，因爲我愛那種把不平衡重整為平衡的感覺，而且常常被那種需要困死了。

「唯有過過毫無約束日子的人，才會知道有約束，是多麼幸福可驕矜的。」

我還沒有過過沒有約束的日子。每天都被自己的枷鎖扣緊。於是我開始掙扎，我想知道，沒有了平衡的天秤，如何去調整。我想知道，沒有了既定的框框，我們如何自處。所以我開始了這個家。我要寫作，我要翻譯，我要用我心愛的塔羅來為自己和他人解答一些讓我們困惑的人與事。最重要的是，我要知道，我在這個世上尋找的，究竟是什麽樣的平衡。