Notes of a Desolate Libra

Last year I went to quite a few concerts -
1) Eason - 2/26
2) Hins - 8/27
3) MUCC - 12/15
4) Jay - 12/21

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="Food for the Soul!"]

I’m sure my friends are no stranger to my Jay Chou obsession. I ended up crying at Jay’s concert, but all of the above concerts were 100% worth watching. There’s just no word for that warm fuzzy exploding feeling in my chest that I get whenever I’m listening to live music. It’s as if a different me comes alive within me. It’s a sort of exciting, thankfulness, and just contentment that come with knowing that I am standing in front of people who love their arts as much as I love mine, and they are able to share it with other people, which is what I’m trying to do. I appreciate anyone with the passion to drive themselves forward on a “road less traveled,” but are especially thankful that they exist to show us that it is possible to attain your dreams.

To me, music is the source, capsule, and storyteller of life. Appreciating music is like appreciating life itself, because we identify with the lives that music tells with its unique language. This isn’t an ode to music, but I think just something that all music lovers know but don’t always express. I always remind myself that it is for this reason that I became a radio host, it is for this reason that I translate lyrics, and it’s for this reason that I still shell out those dollars to go see concerts. I hope you will do the same.

Aside from singers and music, voices themselves trigger something in my heart. It's as if a voice can physically touch me and make me tremble, joyous, sad, angry... in love. That explains the obsession I have had with Seiyuus (voice actors) since young. If I close my eyes, I can visualize an entire world just by a person's voice. Perhaps that's why I love(d) being a radio host. My voice is nothing special, but I know that through my voice, or my words, I can bring comfort to many many people.  Such is the amazing thing that is the human voice.

"Wheel of morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn..." -Animaniacs

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="245" caption="Wheel of Fortune"]

Well, that's the Wheel of Morality, but more generally the wheel that we are familiar with is the Wheel of Life 生命之輪.  Life often sets twists and turns in your way to test your faith (no, not religious, just faith in yourself, in life, etc.).

There's a phrase/idiom in Chinese: 塞翁失馬，焉知非福。 塞翁得馬，焉知非禍. The moral is that when you are blessed with a "gift," you don't know if it will bring happiness or trouble; and when you are hit with a calamity, you don't really know if that is truly a stroke of really bad luck or a harbinger of good fortune. When you look from behind, you may realize that things have a strange way of falling into place.

In 2008, I had the most (physically) traumatic experience in my life: I developed a severe inflammation that was really quite painful, to the point where I wasn't sure if I was going to survive the early mornings (that's when inflammations are the worst). I was carted off to the ER for the first time, where they performed a procedure on me, just to later find out (two days before I was supposed to leave for Taiwan and Japan) that I would need another surgery. Needless to say, I was having major emotional issues. However, now, looking back, I realize that this was for the best. I apparently (now that I can really look at things more clearly) have been brewing this condition for quite a few years (since iaTV time) but I just didn't realize it at the time.

Now, a year after the event, I look back and realize that if the issue had not exploded at the time that it did, I would never have gone through the mental changes that made me who I am today, and if I had gotten sick much later, who knows if I would be near people who could help me (in this case I had my parents). So, albeit this sickness brought me pain and suffering that I would never want to experience again, it also freed me from many of my previous (mostly hidden) constraints and I can travel freely.

In another example, when I became a lit major, I didn't have faith in myself. I didn't really believe that I would be able to make a living for myself using things related to my major. So I tried many other fields: Law, Web design, Marketing... etc. What seems like lifetimes (of careers) later, I realize that I'm doing for a living something my major would have applied exactly to: translating. Critics, take that! From this I realized, sometimes we just know better what's the best for ourselves, even if at the moment we didn't know. That's why, if you really want to do something, go do it. If you fail at your dream, at least your hard work was for something you love. If you fail at something you hate... you just have a lot of lost love and time. Lose to your dreams, don't lose to your reality. 寧願輸給夢想，不要輸給現實。

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="360" caption="Just go for it!"]

In 2008, many other things happened.For quite a while, my heart was shattered and I thought it would remain forever broken. But at the time I didn't realize this was the time when I would grow immensely emotionally and as a person, the furthest I have ever gone in such a short period of time. It set the wheels in motion, finally, after being on standstill for so long. And I saw so much that I was unable to before. I believe now in the strength of my heart - of its potential to grow and to love. And to realize this is one of the most amazing gifts anyone can hope to have.

There is a reason I brought the Wheel of Morality into the picture: do everything as you deem right. You can lie to the world, but you cannot lie to yourself. If you are true to yourself and do everything in the best interest of everyone and everything (including yourself), you will find that fate and fortune will smile upon you. If not, at least you will smile and be proud of yourself.

Everyone and everything will find their place. And Karma will be silent judge.

Of course, some of my friends are still very passionate about finding their soulmate, whom they expect to marry and live happily ever after with. I applaud them. May this passion never die and their quest be successful. But I personally am coming to realize and accept the idea that the person you love the most may not be the one that you marry, the one you marry may not be the one you spend the rest of your life with, whom you consider your soulmate may be someone you absolutely cannot live with, some people may just be better with tons of girlfriends and one wife (but otherwise a perfect husband to his wife)... etc etc. I've had friends married and divorced in a year; I've had friends who basically see their husbands as "business partners" - able to stand and work with each other, but don't emotionally depend on each other (Clintons?); I've had friends who allow their husbands to have girlfriends/flings as long as they're honest to each other (a man's dream, right? :p)... there's just so much. The more I learn, the more I know I do not understand. But I stand, humbled, by the complex ever evolving organism that is human emotions.

Fundamentally though, I still believe that marriage, be it only a piece of paper, is a very real and conscious commitment that you make to someone you love very much. When you make this commitment, you know that you will be giving up many things, but if you work at it, you will also gain many things.

Every turn in life requires a (lot of) sacrifice(s), but if life were a straight line instead of a series of find(write)-your-own-adventures, we would never realize how fortunate we are to have the ability to reason and make decisions.

But of course, that's my personal opinion. There are many people in this world who live by a different doctrine and have lived rather well. I don't have the right to judge (and try hard not to). As long as people claim responsibility for their own actions, really, it's none of my business.

I am not a super superstitious person. I admit, there are certain things that I am more uptight about and prefer to follow. There is a saying in Chinese: rather believe it to be true than not 寧願信其有,不可信其無. That's the general thinking regarding things that may bring bad luck.

Well, my luck with flying has been hilarious. There's ALWAYS a certain incident before I fly. It's happened so often that I have come to expect it. For example, my most recent flights:

1) JP/TW trip (10/2008): right before I left for the airport, the strap to my bookbag broke (MAJOR bad juju). My mom stared blank-faced and then rushed to say: "well wasn't it good that it happened before the trip?" Mind you, at the time I was going insane because of all the bad stuff that had happened so far in 2008 and I was already envisioning my plane engulfed by flames and plummeting into the Pacific... now this...

2) Puerto Rico trip (12/2008): my travel partner Lan, right before we were to board, got very sick and spent a lot of time in the bathroom. We didn't run onto the plane until after their final call. Then while she was on the plane, she locked herself in the bathroom and we almost got "escorted" off the plane because we were causing the plane to be grounded and the crew was skeptical as to whether or not we were (physically) fit to fly. Needless to say, I was endlessly grateful when Lan was able to make it out of the bathroom somewhat recovered and the plane finally took off. The crew was so afraid we'd come down with something that they were super nice to us the entire trip.

3) Hong Kong trip (5/2009): this time I got sick right before the flight and I thought I was developing a fever. Now, normally this wouldn't be a huge issue, but remember this was at the height of the swine flu fever and if I exhibited any symptom at all (esp. a fever) I probably would had ended up quarantined. Fortunately, by the time I got on the plane I was feeling fine again (took some fever meds) and the rest of the flight proved uneventful.

4) San Francisco flight (6/2009): I, being the insanely distracted person I was, forgot that my ride to the airport (provided by my dear friend Jeremy) was supposed to show up at 4 and thought it was supposed to be 3... and of course, by 3:30 when he didn't show up (and of course by my luck he had fatefully forgotten his cell phone on this day, my entire family started panicking. Somehow though, I thought it was extremely funny, because I knew this - SOMETHING - was going to happen. And it did.

Now... it's not like I enjoy these little incidents. Actually every time there was potential that something bad could've happen... but I guess it didn't... and looking back, they *are* kind of funny.

Another thing about traveling alone though, I started chatting with the elderly gentleman who sat  next to me on my flight to SF (he had a mask on the whole flight so we didn't actually talk until the end of the flight). Mr. Liu had guessed I was Chinese from the Tarot book I was reading and I ended up giving him my business card and asked him to let me know if he ever needed help with any translations. Fun, eh? :)

或許我真的是一個自虐狂。我決意來SF的原因之一就是想要品嘗孤單。

對於一個如果我想的話，身邊從來不會缺少朋友的人來説，孤身在一個差不多是完全陌生的地方，霸道地暫時佔據著他人生活的一部分，因爲自己的任性而為不少人，特別是自己最重要的親人帶來了許多的不便。

看著四週清楚描述出一個年輕人20年的生命：衣物、拼圖、CD、獎盃、玩具、家常用品等等一切，述説著一份與我無關的幸福。而我，在房間裏劃分了自己的一個角落，繼續著我尋找自我的腳步。未來是迷茫的、幸福是狡猾的、而我，是否能夠保持隨遇而安的心態呢？

去年大概這個時候我也來到了SF。同一個地方，同一個我，所差的，只是時間而已，心情和際遇卻是天壤之別。但是，如果沒有去年，我又是否懂得放開自己，走到這一步呢？人生，太長了，多少悲傷絕望蔓延不斷。人生，太短了，多少夢想失之交臂無力追求。我們，太渺小了。我們，卻也是最重要的。

可愛的孤單，歡迎你的到來。因爲，你會讓我明白，當我與幸福遇上的時候，不要傻傻地錯過他。可恨的孤單，希望你早日離去。因爲，你會一直提醒我，生命的盡頭，剩下的還是自己一人而已。

Finally, I'm getting a good taste of what it is like to be on my own and not having much that belongs to me. Perhaps it's a taste of the loneliness I have come to romanticize in my so many years of listening to other people's adventure stories.

My uncle whom I'm staying with is great, bu there are limits to how many times I can listen to "your mom misses you" or "you should go back as soon as possible" or "my kids are different from you, they miss home a lot and don't want to leave home" or "you can't just go on wandering all over the place" or "you're a girl, you should just find a stable life and live it"...

Ahem. As all of you who know me know... this serves well to fuel my fire. I know that they are expressing this as part of their empathic feelings for my parents. But just because I left home doesn't mean I love them any less or that I don't miss them. It just serves no purpose if I start crying on the phone to my mom and tell her how much I miss her. Either it'll get so bad that I'll leave SF and go home or she''ll get really worried and pack her bags and run to SF to get me back to NYC. Not ideal scenarios.

BUT this is what it's all about isn't it? Me always wondering how other people felt when they left home and ventured elsewhere in search of a different life, not because there's anything wrong with their home life, but because there are so many other things out there.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="240" caption="Inward Spiral"]

But the big change is now. When I've finally packed a suitcase and moved to San Francisco.

To be able to pick up and leave at any moment is a luxury. I've always known that. It's not a given right, to be taken for granted. Right now I am staying with an uncle (no blood relation, mom's good friend of many many years) in his daughter's room. I am typing this (and doing my freelances) with my suitcase as a table and I am sitting on the floor (all the desks are occupied with the daughter's clothes or stuffed animals).

I am surprised myself. I used to think I would not be able to live with any other person in close proximity. Living with Marri during college changed that. And living with Marri again when I was in LA completely eliminated that little bit of single child spoiled-ness. I am forever grateful to the people who are willing to put up with me... and I by no means want to stay at this place for more than 2 months (minus the traveling). There's no way I would feel comfortable with taking over part of my host's room and having her sleep on the couch when she returns home on the weekends.

And so, I am planning to run again. Where to and when, I don't know. I hope I find out soon. I am not sure what all of this is leading to... but somehow, in some way, I will find out.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="It's actually 3 bags... you just can't see the one on my back"]

Everyone in my life plays/played a role in shaping me who I am today, some more than others. 2008 was the year of Change. I've been thinking that 2009 is the year of Consequences. There are lot of precious things in my life... and I don't take anything for granted. I don't take for granted that I was fortunate enough to receive the education that I had, that I have the ability to reason, that I have loved and been loved, that I'm relatively healthy right now, and I definitely don't take for anyone for granted (except for parents, whom, I'll admit, I do take for granted sometimes :p)... heck, I don't even take the fact that I'm alive for granted. Nothing in life is a given, and everything's a gift.

I also don't really ask anything of anyone... I think. o_O I always feel like there'd be too much attached. I don't like to owe anyone anything. And if I do something for you, I never expect/want anything in return because expectation wears me down. Anyway... but that doesn't mean when someone does something for me that I don't appreciate it. I do, and I always remember it... even if I don't constantly say it. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me and hope that he/she knows his/her importance to me. I don't say sappy stuff too often, but when I say it it's because I mean it. I'm just too tired/lazy to explain... I also feel somewhat like a guy... I sometimes just don't remember to tell people how important they are to me and then when something happens I'm slightly clueless as to why. Welp... that's just a note to myself that perhaps next lifetime I should be a guy... and a Sagittarius at that. ^^ (girl, I still want to be a Libra)

So... I guess all I'm trying to say is that you are importan to me. And if you do not think so, or feel that I have taken you for granted, I am sorry... but there's nothing I can do. I come alone... and I will be leaving alone. But at least we've made eachother's lives interesting and hopefully have learned some things from one another.

Ah 2008. It taught me so much, especially in the subject matter of utmost importance to most people but I had neglected: Love.

Ok, it’s not just LOVE as in the type where you fawn over another individual or want to wear/parade this person like a badge of pride. It’s where you really want to give everything to someone.

My answer to my experience in love can be summarized by this. This song also came out around when I was suffering the most and accompanied me through many grieving nights. One of my friends who always seemed happy and chirpy, while listening to this song, became sad. And when I made fun of her, she said “we all have our pasts.” And I hurried to apologize to her. Yes, we all have our pasts. 感情的事，實在是不足爲外人道。What is wrong; what is right? Even someone who smiles and jokes around all the time may be hiding the most profound pain inside.

One of my friends had a huge struggle in the past year with someone I deemed ENTIRELY unworthy of her. He is a a two-timing, scheming, manipulative… ahem… *insert strong adjective that denotes distaste*. A year ago, if you told me that I would actually begin to understand how this unimaginable thing could happen, that such a smart and wonderful woman would fall so hard for… er… scum… I would laugh…

Then again…

A year ago, if you told me that I would actually try to understand the perspective of the third party in an established relationship;
A year ago, if you told me that I would be open to a relationship (no, I’m still not into dating… but who knows what’ll happen in another year… haha);
A year ago, if you told me that I would leave this beloved city NYC of mine that I said I would NEVER leave (after I attempted to move to LA in 2003)… and head out… somewhere…;
A year ago, if you told me that I would be actually thinking about trying to make tarot a regular practice…;

… I would laugh. But now I nod with a slight contemplative smile… Really… it’s only been a year, and my perspective on so many things have changed. Most importantly - Love.

In this year, I’ve won and lost and won again some things…. But no one would be able to tell me what these things mean/meant to me besides myself. Each experience is unique and irreplaceable. As a Libra, we’re among the WORST when it comes to letting go of things… and that (along with patience and self-love) has been one of my most important lessons this past year.

In our lives, we will inevitably end up hurt, and we will hurt others, conscious or unconsciously. All the hurt that I have received are conscious, and most of the hurt that I’ve given have been unconscious. Many times I don’t know until after the fact that I have deeply hurt someone (thanks, Pisces Moon). I used to beat myself up for doing that, because Libras cannot stand hurting other people. Acceptance of that as a natural occurrence has always helped me see life in a different view.

It is an honor and privilege to be loved by someone you care for (even if you do not love the person back the same way), so do not try to deny or run from it. It is a blessing to have someone that you could love with all your heart and give everything to, even if you end up the one “getting the shorter end of the stick”… but you realize that you are able to love - that you are a wonderful being fully willing to give so much of yourself to another human being, so do not try to forget it. Both sides are never to be taken for granted. Love, in its purest form, must include a love for yourself and an acceptance of the other.

In this world, there must be wish that can’t be realized alone. - Wish

Yes, there is always that wish that’s in the depths of our hearts. But before you can realize that Wish, you must open yourself to love, and to be loved.

And that, is when the Wish will come true.

Not saying that I'm the most wonderful person in the world, but I know that I give my heart to all the people I consider my friends and love ones. That's how I slowly (and painfully) came to understand that whoever spurns my love and friendship, it's their loss. Really, this is not my ego speaking (*cough*). This roots from a deep understanding of myself. It's only from knowing yourself and how much you can give people that you truly come to realize who you are (on your own or in relation to others) and understand/accept your own worth. After all, if you don't know how much you can give, you are often unable to give it or you overdo it to the point of exhaustion, as was my case. The happy thing is, I realized - the more you give, you the move you have to give. Yep, love and friendship is just such a lovely thing.

2008 was a very special year for me. It was one of the first times I really started to depend and rely on my friends. One of them whom I see as a sister said "I know you like to help and give to people. But it runs both ways. It's only when you allow them to help YOU when you're in need that they truly feel their worth as your friend." In this year, I had friends I met for the first time in real life take me around TW; friends who told me that they regularly talk about chopping me in half so they can each take half (um, bad deal for me); friends who lent me a willing shoulder when I experienced the most traumatic emotional event since the passing of my grandfather; friends who called and texted and sent presents when I was suffering my illness; friends who spent countless hours helping me put my life back together; friends who took care of me; friends who protected me.... Guys and girls, young and old, long and short.

Many people say that as you get older, your selection of friends get smaller. For me, it's the contrary. Of course, one or two close, good friends are better than crowds of acquaintances. But I realized that through the years, all the friendship and love that I have freely given actually pay back. I never hope for such a thing. After all, if you give with the intention of getting something back, it's not true giving. But when you give, and you DO get something in return, it's a feeling so warm and filling that makes you swell up with pride in your friends and yourself, and hope in life and humanity. I can't start to count the number of friends that I have (and had a rough time dealing with it while planning "farewell gatherings"), but I am comforted by the knowledge that they are here, and always will be.

I think that's why I get to keep up my spunky spirit (or as my ge said, my cheekiness). It's because all of you, my dear friends (and family), spoil me rotten. You let me know that by just being myself, all of you will love me as you do now. This energy keeps me young, and it keeps me moving. Thank you, my friends. And know that I'll always love you all~

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="268" caption="My Heart to Yours"]