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19th November 2009
Dear You series
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="239" caption="Hello"][/caption]It's been a while since I sat myself down and really thought up a writing project that I want to dedicate myself to. One reason is that I know there are too many and I would just overwhelm myself.However, I have always known that I want to write a series of articles for my friends and family, whom I adore. There are certain moments in memory that stay with you for a long long time, and it's those times that make your life seem so special. That's why I want to dedicate this series to the people I love. I am determined to write down snippets of my life in which they have participated so that many many years later, when I look back, or when they look back, we can savor these moments again, vividly, and know that they will stay with us forever.The people who shall appear may be relatives, friends, or just random people, people who are still here or have passed on. The Dear You series is just my way of telling them how special they are. For those who will never be able to read these entries (e.g. Bubby, my grandpas), I still hope that somehow, by writing these words down, by having you read them, that my thoughts will be passed on to them.So, hello. And see you soon.
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23rd October 2009
Dear Grandpa II: 原來﹐你已經走了
原來, 你已經走了
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="320" caption="2002 Family Pic"][/caption]
今早起來時﹐聽見電話﹐想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。
所以﹐我決定上班。原來﹐你快要離開了。
剛到公司時﹐收到電話﹐說﹕可能熬不過。
想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。
所以﹐我決定工作。原來﹐我來不及說再見了。
無法工作﹐再次收到電話﹐說﹕回來吧。
想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。看著空無一人的車卡﹐想哭。
但﹕不能哭﹐早上哭﹐腳頭不好。
看天﹐看地﹐看風景...踏著走了十幾年的行人路﹐想哭。
但﹕不能哭﹐早上哭﹐腳頭不好。
看天﹐看地﹐看行人...開了你家的門﹐爸爸說﹕爺爺死了。
突然發現
原來﹐我的眼淚﹐如其它人一般廉價。原來﹐你已經走了。
上了車﹐要趕著見你最後一面,
見最後一面﹐是為了你走得安心﹐還是讓我可以活得安心﹖
不重要了。
想哭。
所以﹐哭了。醫院外﹐媽媽來電話﹐說﹕他們已經不許人進來了。
我大叫﹕什麼叫不許﹖﹗我已經到了﹗
想哭。
哭了。急症室外﹐看著推門出來的親人們﹐說﹕醫生已經把爺爺送走了。
見不到了。
真的見不到了。原來﹐你已經走了。
想哭﹐不能哭不能哭﹐要堅強哪
原來﹐我做不到。
所以﹐奶奶轉身後﹐
哭了﹐
又哭了﹐
哎呀﹐眼淚不出來了﹐
可是﹐
好像還是在哭啊...
好痛好痛好痛心好痛
想你想你想你﹐如此捨不得你
為什麼為什麼為什麼如果聽到電話時沒上班的話﹐
那...
如果﹐不能工作就回來的話﹐
就或許...如果﹐我把想送給你和奶奶的書如期寫出來﹐
你會不會知道﹐
其實﹐
我很愛你﹐
我最親愛的﹐最可愛的爺爺﹖知道你活得快樂﹐努力令自己快樂﹐令自己身邊的人快樂﹐
所以
為你自豪﹐
為你驕傲﹐
但﹐好捨不得你。知道你的生命多姿多彩﹐悠長而無悔
所以﹐
為你開心
為你興幸
但﹐好想你...以後﹐再不能拍拍你圓圓的肚肚﹐
以後﹐再不能摸摸你銀白的頭髮﹐
以後﹐再不能為你的笑話哭笑不得﹐
以後﹐再不能教訓你﹐說你古板﹐
以後﹐再不能怪你口水亂飛﹐
以後﹐再不能說下次飲茶我請﹐
以後﹐再不能說有的話一定帶個男朋友給你過目﹐
以後﹐再不能說要贊助你環游世界﹐
以後﹐再不能說不想吃你馳名的"陳家炒飯"﹐
以後﹐再不能扶你﹐陪你逛街﹐
以後﹐再不能講你耳背﹐不想跟你說話﹐
以後﹐再不能笑你又重看還珠格格﹐
以後﹐再不能聽你總指揮的號令﹐
以後﹐再不能說你是世上最帥最可愛的爺爺...雖然你的確是...
看著﹐你買給我的五塊錢手錶﹐
穿著﹐你不知從哪裡掏出來的裙子(發現我果然太胖了)
戴著﹐你無意中從地上撿到﹐拼命塞給我的銀手鏈﹐而你﹐已經走了。
知道﹐你其實很疼我
知道﹐你其實也捨不得我
知道﹐你其實也很愛我﹐不﹐應該是說﹐我們。
你想對我們說...
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會堅強的﹔
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會好好照顧奶奶的﹔
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會幸福的。好捨不得好捨不得好捨不得你。
但﹐好希望好希望好希望你安心。
無論你身在何方﹐
知道你一定會看著我們﹐
我們也會很想很想你...But, you were already gone.
Woke up in the morning to the phone: He had an episode.
Though: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
So, I went to work.But, you were about to leave.
Arrived at the office, got a call: Maybe he won’t make it.
Thought: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
So, I started work.But, I’ve lost my chance to say goodbye.
Couldn’t work. Phone rang: Come back.
Thought: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.Watching the empty car, wanting to cry.
No. No crying in the morning; it’s bad luck.
So I watched the sky, ground, scenery passing by...Walking the familiar way home, wanting to cry.
No. No crying in the morning; it’s bad luck.
So I watched the sky, ground, people passing by…Opened your door, dad said: Grandpa is dead.
And I discovered
that my tears can come rather sudden.But, you were already gone.
Got in the car to see you for the last time.
To see you for the last time, so you can leave in peace, or so I may live in peace?
Ah, not important anymore.
Wanted to cry.
So, cried.Outside the hospital, mom said: They won’t permit anyone else in.
I screamed: What’s “wont permit?” I’m here already!
Wanted to cry.
So, cried.Outside the ER, family member exited and said: The doctor has already taken grandpa away.
I lost you.
I’ve lost the last chance to see you.But, you were already gone.
Wanted to cry. Can’tcrycan’tcrycan’ttry. I must be strong.
But, not strong enough.
So, when grandma turned around.
Cried.
Cried again.
The tears won’t come.
But still crying.
And somewhere inside.
It hurt.
It hurt.And thoughts of you flooded the mind
And I asked “why”
Whywhywhywhywhy?If I didn’t leave for work after the first call…
Then…
If I left work after I got there…
Maybe…If I finished the book I promised you and grandma
Would you then know
That, really,
I loved you very much?
My dearest
most darling, grandpa?I know you lived happily, happy for yourself and your family.
So,
I’m always proud of you.
But… I miss you.I know you’ve lived a long and eventful life.
So,
I’m happy for you.
But… I miss you.From now on,
no more patting your round tummy;
no more tugging your silvery hair;
no more getting exasperated at your bad jokes;
no more lecturing you, claiming you to be too stubborn;
no more dodging your raining spit;
no more promising “dimsum on me next week”;
no more empty promises of bring home a boyfriend;
no more claiming sponsorship for your round-the-world tour;
no more complaining about your famous “Chan’s Fried Rice”;
no more supporting you as we walked through the city;
no more rolling my eyes at your hard of hearing;
no more poking fun of your obsession with TV;
no more taking orders from the “commander in chief”;
From now on, no more telling you that you are the world’s most adorable and handsome grandpa.
… of course you are.Looking at the five dollar watch you bought,
Donning the dress you conjured up from nowhere (and realized I gained weight)
Wearing the silver bracelet you discovered on the ground and squeezed into my hands,
But you… were already gone.I know how you took care of me.
I know you must miss me too.
know you loved me, no, us, too.
You wanted to tell us…Yes, I understand: We will be strong.
Yes, I understand: We will take care of grandma.
Yes, I understand: We will be happy.ImissyouImissyouImissyou.
But… I wish you for you to be free.Wherever you are,
I know you would be watching us…
And we will always, really really miss you.-----------------------------------------
10/09 雖然這一篇很多年前就寫下了，但是今天才有這個機會放出來。公開，就是放開的第一步吧？This is written much earlier for the grandpa on my dad’s side who passed away on 3/21/03. Didn’t really publish it until now. Sharing, is perhaps the first step to healing? Translation was done 10/19/09.
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19th October 2009
Dear Grandpa I
Grandpa
今天，Grandpa這個字，正式成爲了我的回憶。9歲后的我，身邊的Grandpa只有爺爺。但9歲前的我，身邊的Grandpa，卻只有外公。爺爺03年已經離開我們，剩下外公一個Grandpa。而外公今天，在纏綿病榻兩年后，也走了。[caption id="" align="alignright" width="291" caption="外公"][/caption]生離死別，是人生必經的階段，雖然我還沒能征服這些苦，但卻不得不向它低頭。心底除了那人留下的痛，還有我對於生死的執著，對人的愛，這也都是業。生離病死，或許是我永遠不能參透的業。雖説是業，但它也是美好的，因爲它代表了我們對生命、對人的熱愛。這就是爲什麽我還沒有真正追隨佛教，因爲我仍是沒能找出大愛和小愛的區分，也做不到。都說人年紀越大，就越會想起小時候的事情。我或許還沒有到那樣的年齡，可是想起小時候照顧我的外公，心口還是忍不住一陣傷痛。小時候的記憶已經很模糊。外公一直住在隔壁的危樓裏。爸媽都忙著工作，所以小時候都是外公在張羅我的午餐之類的日常瑣碎事情。小時候的我，對於未知（其最深刻的體現就是死亡）是十分害怕的。神魔鬼佛，常常來造訪我的夢境，讓我惡夢連連，差不多每天都在午睡中驚醒。所以我對於黑暗是萬份的恐懼。外公外婆住在危樓的三樓，二樓是一條長長黑黑沉沉的走廊。中間的那戶是一位老婆婆。因爲她房中常常滲出一種沉重的氣團，壓抑得我透不過氣，所以我很害怕經過她的門前。雖是如此，但還是忍不住常常跑去外公家玩。只是經過長廊的時候，總會閉上眼，拼命跑，因爲外公家總會有好吃的，好玩的。後來二樓那位婆婆去世了，我就真的很少上去了，因爲我實在是一個膽小鬼。年輕時超級搗蛋的我，常常會閙出一些讓人哭笑不得的事情。比如有一次，我整天沒吃東西，勉強爬回外公家的時候，整個人呈半死狀態，嚷道我生病了，發燒了。嚇壞了的外公外婆忙煮好飯，看能不能吃完飯帶去去看爸媽。誰知道三碗飯下肚，我立即龍精虎猛地蹦蹦跳，讓他們哭笑不得。無聊的時候，我會很乖地幫外公在巷子口賣花，陪他一起看粵劇，直説裏面的生旦比不上我爸媽好看，說我爸媽世界上最漂亮，最帥的人。很可惜，小時候對於外公的記憶，剩下寥寥無幾，因爲當時年紀小，記不起了，不像後來一直一起的爺爺，滿滿的都是共同走過的日子片斷。雖是如此，雖説如果人不在身邊，可以變得不在乎，但是，原來還是會很在乎的。或許是因爲，對於生命中的每一份感情，我都看待得極重、極重。因爲在乎，所以也容易傷得極深、極深。對外公其他的記憶，一直留存在03年回去中國時候的經歷。那時候的外公已經開始有輕微的老人癡呆症症狀，但幸好還是記得我。整個人包裹在厚厚的毛衣裏的他，笑咧咧地看著我，每天堅持一同吃飯、照相、看電視。那爽朗的大笑，多年還是不變。那年離開中國，心裏大概就知道以後可能永遠都再見不到外公外婆兩位老人家了，我藏起來大哭（兩位老人家也知道的，所以特別捨不得），但是畢竟還是要離開。這幾年，聽到有關外公的消息，都是他因爲老人癡呆症退化后的事情，還有因爲腳受了傷而承受的痛苦。生命力頑強的他，一直抗拒著病情的侵略，但是人的力量還是有限的。他開始認不得任何人，媽媽和阿姨們都不記得了，只記得唯一的舅舅，還有就是陪了他70年的老伴，我外婆。到生命的盡頭，這兩個一同走過了超過半個世紀的人，卻相隔兩地。外公被送到護理中心，方便有人24小時看護。而外婆因爲討厭護理中心，堅持不住進去，就住在老人院。一輩子癡情的外公，對於一向對他冷淡的外婆，念念不忘，有幾次腳上傷口一直流血，快熬不住了，他不願走，只是爲了等外婆。外婆不在的時候，他把床翻起，對護士們發脾氣，一次次地撐了過來。可是，就因爲住得那麽遠，差那麽幾分鐘，外婆就趕不上見外公的最後一面了。爺爺是滿肚子墨水的書香世家知識分子，與一輩子賣豬肉賣花，干粗活的外公不同。但是他們兩個都爲了自己的子女，盡了自己最大的努力。爺爺辛苦教育出我們幾個，是他引以爲傲的孫兒們。他留下了一生辛苦掙來的點點積蓄，用來辦自己的後事，讓兒孫們不用爲了錢的事操心，雖然，兒女們早就不用他操心了。外公走時，剩下的，只不過是床底下偷偷藏的，國外的大家當初為他包腳上傷口所買的，他寶貝得不得了的一卷卷Bounty紙巾和止痛的Tylenol（中國沒有Tylenol）。幾年前他神志還清醒的時候，把存了辛苦一輩子賺來的還有國外兒女寄回來的錢的戶口資料，塞了給還留在中國的家人，因爲如果給了外婆，怕她會用光，另外也是怕自己到後來什麽都不記得了，錢在銀行拿不出來。多麽不相同兩個人啊，但他們都是我非常珍愛的家人。直至今日，我仍然不能翻看爺爺的照片，因爲害怕情緒會失控。爺爺走得很快，完全沒有徵兆地，突然地，就去了。外公卻是相反，病情一直反復拖遝，說他不行了，趕快趕回去中國見一面，他又恢復給你看，讓大家哭笑不得，好幾年下來，照顧他的，國外神經兮兮等消息的，都已經做好心理準備了。雖然情況完全不同，但是，當那時刻來臨，還是同樣如此的痛。爺爺最後走的時候，子孫都在身邊。可是外公辛苦了一輩子，在他走的時候，身邊卻沒有一個兒女送他，只有一個外孫。到最後那幾天，他還是一直抗拒打針（他討厭人家拿東西弄傷他嫩滑的皮膚呢），然後把表姐拿過去的食物全部吃光。如此堅強的靈魂，卻困在了一個背叛了他的身軀裡面。我們情何以堪？那天，在飯店看著一個大家庭為一位老公公過生日，好多好多的兒孫為他唱生日歌，吹蠟燭，切蛋糕，心裏不禁想到，我從來沒有幫外公過過生日呢。我心裏，好羡慕那些興高采烈的小孩子們，好羡慕那位呵呵笑的老公公啊。母親沒什麽表情，在收到通知后就一直在忙打電話和兄弟姐妹們商量。這兩年因爲外公一直告急，他們各自都回去好幾次了，假期都用完了。而唯一尚算空閒的母親，因爲身體一向不好最近又病了，也是束手無策。雖然口中說著外公痛苦了那麽久，離開反而是一種解脫，但是從小就比較親爸爸的她，怎麽可能不傷心呢？看著表面豁達的母親，我偷偷地想：媽媽，你哭不出來的眼淚，讓我幫你哭個痛快吧。眼淚或許很廉價，但心卻是無價的。外公他懂，他會了解的。柏金森症讓當初家裏唯一支持我寫作的奶奶已經睜不開眼，説話不清，全身僵硬，大部分時間寸步難移。還有糖尿病加超重的外婆，你們又會什麽時候離開我呢？你們對我的期許，我怕是沒有時間證明給你看了啊。感覺，我真是一個超級不孝的孫女啊。生離死別，是人生最大的無奈。人是最堅強的，又是最脆弱的。
我，又什麽時候才能堪破呢？外公，外公。你一路走好啊！我會很想你的。From today onwards, the word “grandpa” will officially become a word of memory.People always say that as we get old, we remember more our younger days. I’m not quite there yet, but when I think of my grandpa who took care of me when I was younger, I can’t help feeling pangs of pain.Memories from my childhood are very blurry. Grandpa lived next door, in a building on the verge of collapse. Parents were always busy working, so grandpa took care of my lunch and after school activities. My grandparents lived on the third floor of the building. The second floor was occupied by a decrepit old lady whose room stank a deep musty odor that stayed like a weight on my senses, so that I always feared passing her door. Despite this, I liked running over to grandpa’s place, with its toys and games and tasty food, so I pushed myself to run through the long dark hallway with eyes closed. When the old lady passed away, I went there much less. I was quite the little coward.I was spunky even back then and often stirred up trouble that gave adults endless headaches. Once, after having starved the whole day, I kicked open my grandparents’ door and proclaimed that I was sick with a fever. My panicking grandparents immediately brought out food and discussed taking me to my parents after lunch. After three bowls of rice, I was jumping all over the place again. When I had free time, I would help grandpa sell flowers at the entrance to our little alleyway, watch Cantonese opera with him, mainly because I like to announce again and again that my parents were much better looking than the actors.Unfortunately, memories of grandpa are rather scant because I left China so young and left much of my childhood there, unlike my grandpa in the US, with whom I had lived a much longer time. Even so, even though people say when you’re not close, not there, it’s almost as if it (they/him/her) doesn’t matter. But really, it matters. Perhaps because I hold every tidbit of my life, every person I come across, so precious, because I hold on so tightly and carefully, it always hurts.Other memories of grandpa are from the days I spent with him when I visited China in 03. At that time, grandpa had already started developing symptoms of dementia. Fortunately, he still remembered me. He insisted on eating together, still liked to watch tv and smoke. His hearty laugh was still the same as many years ago. When I left China that year, I knew I probably would not have another chance to see them. I hid in the bathroom and cried (my usual practice). But life must move on.These past few years, all the news about grandpa were related to how his is mental capacity was degenerating, and the wound on his leg that would not heal. He started to not recognize anyone, my mom, aunts, other family members. The only one he remembered was my uncle, his only son, and his wife of 70 years. In their autumn years, the two people who passed nearly a century together lived apart. Grandpa was taken to a special care center, where he was taken care of by doctors and nurses. Grandma thought it to be too boring and went to a nursing home. Harboring the love of 70 years for someone who perhaps did not love him in the same way, grandpa would often throw tantrums if he realized grandma wasn’t there. A few times, when he was about to pass over because of excessive bleeding, he held on because my grandma wasn’t there. But because they lived so far, in the final moment, grandma was not able to see him off.Grandpa spent his life working for his wife and children. In the end, all he had left was the rolls of Bounty tugged away under his bed that we bought him from the US to clean his wound and bottles of Tylenol, which was not sold in China. A few years back, when his mind was more intact, he gave my cousin all the information for the account he had in China, where he stowed away the small amount of savings he had and the money that everyone sent home from the US and Canada. He didn’t want to give it to grandma because she would surely squander it, and he didn’t want to lose the money in case he just forgot everything one day. Grandpa had suffered, on and off, for the final years of his life. There were many alerts that drove everyone to fly back to him, only to have him recover at lightening speed, so full as he always were with life and spirit. But when he finally left, no one was there save for one of my cousins. I remember the day when I saw a huge family was celebrating their old grandfather’s birthday. Watching everyone sing, blow candles, and cut the cake, I realized that I had never had the chance to throw a birthday party for my grandpa. How I envied these children who were close to their grandfather, how I envied the happy grandfather.Mother has been quiet and strong through all this, constantly on the phone calling and discussing how to handle the situation with her siblings. Even though she told everyone that after so many years of suffering, it was perhaps a good thing that he was finally released from the pain. But how she must be hurting under the calm. Her father, the one who took care of her like both a father and a mother, the one who always fought for her, who only wanted and worked for her happiness, was gone. So I said quietly in my heart, as I watch her: Mother, let me cry those tears you cannot cry. Perhaps tears are cheap, but the thoughts are priceless. He will understand. He will certainly know.I wonder, when will my grandmas leave me? All the hopes they had for me, have I run out of time to prove myself to you?Humans are so resilient, yet so fragile. As I bid farewell to my last grandpa, I wonder, when will I see through the facade of life, and come to terms with reality around me? That these truths are what maintains the flow of life?
---
The grandpa in this piece is the grandpa on my mom’s side. Chinese original done 10/17/09. English adapted translation done 10/19/09. -
28th July 2009
Oh Ola 我的故事
In Darkness I stay
“You’re walking the wrong way
In Darkness I pray
In Darkness I hear you
Lean to me and say:
you’re on the Devil’s highway”
Your words are charmed with tears
But I refuse to swayThen with a smile so gay
I place your head on a tray
And fed him your ashes
When the earth turned grayI bury your head away
In a vessel made of clay
When time has slithered past memories
Your skin will begin to decayIn the full blossoms of May
I again stand on Orchid Bay
My life repeats without end
Such is the price I payOh frown not with dismay
Your beauty I never could convey
I will take into eternity
That one sweet summer day
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<param name="src" value="http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf"/></object>This is a poem that I wrote back in 2004, right before I headed off to LA (*shudders*). My dearest friend reeses (to my surprise) created a comic based on this poem and gave it to me as a farewell present. Although I came back before expected (yea... really, could NOT stand LA), this is one of the treasures that I will forever hold close to my heart. It was first written in English.
屬於黑暗的存在
中文版本：我的故事
潛伏黑暗的無奈
如影般虛幻的你
訴述著你的悲哀“如果錯過了出口
你就會失去所有”
你的話和著淚光
可惜我沒有遵守掛著安恬的笑容
我把頭放置盤中
將你所有的灰燼
倒入惡魔的裂縫你的頭埋在土下
還配上高雅菊花
當時間超越記憶
它便會開始腐化五月的蘭花灣啊
等待著我的歸家
不停循環的生命
是賜予我的懲罰請不要為我淚落
你的美並不是錯
我將會帶進永恆
那個甜蜜的錯過<object width="288" height="192" data="http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash">
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26th June 2009
十七秒的愛情
每一天都有許多許多的愛情故事在我們身邊身上發生﹐只是不知道﹐你有沒有發現﹖
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="183" caption="良緣何處���"]
這裡這個只有17秒的愛情故事﹐你有經歷過嗎﹖第一秒﹕你看到了她 - 散落人群中的一點繽紛[/caption]第二秒﹕你喜歡上她 - 明亮的眼睛和愛笑的嘴角第三秒﹕你開始走過去 - 靠近她第四秒﹕身邊另一個他也正走過去 - 靠近她第五秒﹕她走過來 - 向著你們第六秒﹕她好像開始臉紅 - 對著你們第七秒﹕他開始微笑 - 略略伸出了手第八秒﹕他們開始靠近 - 你的腳步卻停了下來第九秒﹕他們的手相碰 - 好像是故意的﹐不知道是他還是她第十秒﹕你愕然 - 他們認識﹖第十一秒﹕你恍然 - 他們一定是看對眼了第十二秒﹕你生氣 - 為什麼不是你﹖第十三秒﹕你轉身 - 眼不看為乾淨第十四秒﹕你自卑 - 反正你不夠人家帥第十五秒﹕你失落 - 還是走開吧第十六秒﹕你錯過 - 其實他們可能不認識第十七秒﹕你後悔 - 因為你突然發現他們的手應該是不小心碰到了在第一秒你見到她的時候﹐你真的喜歡上她了嗎﹖如果真的喜歡上了﹐為什麼不按著這種感覺堅持下去﹖在你看到他們碰到對方的手的時候﹐是不是不應該那麼快就下結論﹐認為他們是一對的﹖因為就是這樣﹐你就錯過了一個機會﹐一個人﹐一段緣份﹐剩下的可能就只有後悔和失落。其實每一天我們都是如此錯過了一些屬於我們的路或緣份。如果不知道曾經錯過﹐可能還不會那麼傷心﹐但如果明明知道是本來可以屬於自己的東西卻失去了﹐那種感覺真的很難受。如果在第三秒的時候你走快一點﹐如果在第六秒的時候你走快一點﹐如果在第八秒的時候你走快一點﹐可能後來你就不會停下。如果在第十三秒的時候你沒有轉身﹔如果在第十四秒的時候你沒有轉身﹔如果在第十五秒的時候你沒有轉身﹐是否就會發現其實這只是一個不是很美麗的誤會﹖到第十六秒的時候﹐你已經錯過你的的緣份了。在第十七秒的時候一切都已經太遲了﹐因為當你再次轉身時﹐她早已經離開了。下一次﹐爭取在第一秒就行動吧﹐不要遲疑﹐不要煩惱﹐緣份10%在天﹐只限在第一秒的那一點點悸動﹐剩下的90%還要靠自己努力呢。
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18th June 2009
莊周夢蝶
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="童真"]
[/caption]記得當年痴...... 某日﹐和友人談天說地論金庸時﹐突發狂想﹐要兩人合力寫一本武俠小說。記得有一個小妹妹﹐名叫范斷雪﹐取自殘橋斷學﹐乃某大美人和士大夫之愛女。另有一位藺公子﹐相如之子也(後來發現兩人不應同一朝代)。還有一位絕代佳人樂敏﹐可惜紅顏薄命﹐淪為歌妓。好像還有一個天昊公子﹐是誰啊...﹖唉﹐可惜沒留下當時興起時所繪的人物像啊......某年﹐一時興起﹐手抄了三毛的<隨想>﹐讓可憐的母親擔心了好幾天﹐一直追問我是否厭世。母親啊﹐親恩未報﹐我哪敢﹖... 某個夏天﹐看了無線某齣狗血片﹐傷心感動之余﹐拉著表妹折了一大袋的紙飛機(或應說直升機)﹐說好了要從陽臺上撒進街道中。後來發現﹐那個罰款﹐可不是說笑的。後來就直接近了回收桶。那段年少輕狂的歲月啊...記得當年...勇。... 爬到二樓﹐身探出﹐手伸長﹐用自製的小玩意(由衣架﹐掃把桿﹐和貼紙組成)﹐向著掉到下面去的心愛帽子﹐勾啊~~~... 陷身地庫電梯中﹐拼命把門撐開﹐用腳撐著﹐然後用手...... 五歲時﹐為了看“白馬嘯西風”﹐跑到公路上直奔表姐家。路上發現...怎麼好像有人跟著似的﹖頂著正帽﹐穿著大衣﹐啊﹐好像是傳說中的---人拐子﹗於是... 警訊大發﹐拔著短短的雙腳﹐跑啊~~~跑到記憶中的晚市﹐躲到某倒霉小販身後...哈哈~~~多聰明﹗... 唉呀﹐可是英明神武的我﹐卻居然被爬行中的小堂弟﹐嚇得跑進房﹐跳上床﹐被子蓋子死命不肯出來(雖然當年只得三歲)。記得當年...人。... 三年級的老師的手---“XX啊﹐我真的好喜歡你啊~。”現在想起。。。那個老師是不是戀童啊﹖可是...記憶中﹐我小時候很象男生的呀。(汗)... 表姐們的手--- 暑假時﹐常會跑去表姐們待整個夏天。記得﹐那時候是我一邊做著暑期功課﹐她們一邊幫我拔白頭髮。聽說﹐常動腦筋的人頭髮特別容易退色... 那﹐為什麼近年來﹐我頭上是一(白)毛不拔﹖... 父親的手--- 可愛的小兔兔印章。... 母親的手--- 讀書100分送的一支粉紅一支粉紫的鉛筆。... 好友的手--- 傷心地告訴她﹐因為大意在公車上遺失了那些關於我的報章﹐她花了三﹑四天搜集了前一天的報紙﹐一章一張的﹐從新剪出﹐帶著微笑﹐親手遞了給我。... 爺爺的手--- 某天在地鐵上找到他人丟掉的銀鏈子﹐他急急揀起﹐塞在我手中。現在﹐是我系在手上進入來美第十五年的銀鏈子。 爺爺﹐我好想你...記得當年...傻。...某餐館中﹐幫阿姨工作﹐做做紅豆冰﹐弄弄吐士。因為表現良好﹐姐姐阿姨們一直說要32號發工資給我。當年﹐好像才7歲。她們...膽子還真不小......愛上了話梅﹐拿著壓歲錢﹐偷偷跑出去買了一大包﹐想要躲起來慢慢吃。含了一個﹐哎呀﹗怎麼那麼酸﹗慌忙送了給隔壁婆婆。原來...那個不是話梅...是雙梅。我&@#%$&#%﹗那個﹐大概6歲吧﹖是聰明還是笨﹖...表姐買了一個洋娃娃﹐一個玩具熊。雖然好想好想要那個洋娃娃﹐但要裝成熟﹐讓了給表妹。心裡一直嘀咕。如果當時我要了洋娃娃﹐現在的我﹐還會不會是這個樣子呢﹖天知道。
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="328" caption="純真"][/caption]
記得當年...?... 死命拉著車門﹐不要走...不要離開...... 黑暗中醒來﹐卻原來是中午。夢醒了﹐淚卻...... 差點害死我的旋轉門...... 臉色灰白﹐天旋地轉地躺在自由神的腳下...天好藍好藍...... 原來...畏高啊...
童年的記憶，回首是總是如此甜蜜，卻又不堪一嘗..... -
5th May 2009
追逐童話的都市
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="183" caption="良緣何處���"]
[/caption]緣緣份份﹐斷斷續續﹐
偏偏你我﹐追追逐逐。
茫茫都市﹐生聲漫漫。暗戀單戀
介于慕思與熱戀之間的﹐是暗戀﹔介于苦思與失戀之間的﹐是單戀。前者時而甜蜜﹐時而夢幻﹐那種感覺但卻從不令人討厭。後者時而煩人﹐時而傷痛﹐消耗的時光心情﹐就如那一江春水﹐汩汩而流﹐源源不絕﹐往東而漂。其中的分別是﹐當你在暗戀一個人的時候﹐不會去想他的各種好處壞處﹐也不會去想你們之間存在的可能性﹐只是偷偷地享受喜歡上一個人的那種甜蜜。當暗戀成為了單戀﹐你就開始患得患失﹐想他的各種好想他的壞習慣﹐最可悲的是﹐你明明就知道怎麼想這段感情也不會有結果。所以說﹐寧願暗戀一個人﹐也千萬千萬不要單戀他。學習悲傷
如果一個人懂得何時應該悲傷﹐如何去表達悲傷﹐那是一件十分值得慶幸的事情。當一個人悲痛欲絕的時候﹐那種感覺真如身體中正有某樣東西在慢慢地撕裂。但是心會痛﹐同時也就代表了這個人仍然實實在在地活著。悲傷讓人感覺到生活與世事的種種無奈﹐卻也讓人瞭解到自己仍然存在。如果因為每天忙碌地工作而忘記了偶爾停頓下來給自己一點時間去品嘗悲傷﹐那可能很快你就會忘了生存是什麼樣的一種滋味。長途戀愛
是怎麼樣的一種感情﹐能促使兩個相隔了千里的人願意把自己的喜怒哀樂繫牽在對方身上﹖經歷過這種分隔相愛的朋友應該明白個中苦處。愛已經難﹐兩者之間心靈上的距離還要加上實際上的距離﹐豈不是難上加難﹖雖然有人會說﹐距離不是問題﹐只要兩心相通就可以了。朋友之間可以如此延續感情﹐但情侶間﹐卻更需要實際上的扶助。經歷國傷心的大家也知道﹐有時候只要有另外一個人在身邊﹐不須言語﹐只是默默地陪這著他們﹐也已經足夠了。一個擁抱﹐一個握手﹐一個親吻﹐就能夠讓一個人感覺到自己的力量能夠撐起整個世界﹐更何況是自己正在面對的﹐暫時的難題。把兩個人相愛的人真正地相連起來的﹐並不是那口頭上的愛﹐而是實際上當幫助與必要時的悉心照顧愛護。但是﹐如果戀愛落實在真正的生活中﹐有些人卻又嫌不夠浪漫了。只能懷念的愛
很多人說﹐初戀永遠是最甜蜜最難忘的﹐足夠我們懷念一輩子。初戀也只能是最難忘的﹐因為你已經沒有機會回頭改變任何東西了。初戀也往往是最單純的﹐因為你戀上第一個人的時候﹐沒有那麼多雜七雜八的事情要考慮。只能懷念的愛同時也是得不到的愛﹐得不到的東西﹐好像對時間的流逝和人事的轉變免疫﹐高高掛在冰封的時空中﹐隨時供應我們回味品嘗。這也算是心裡的一塊清靜地吧。 -
1st May 2009
Scent of a Burning Match: Monologue
This is from a play that I wrote when I was in college (wow...)... the treatment is... err... a bit outdated... but I thought the monologue is pretty interesting. This would make a pretty messed up play though. I actually performed this monologue as part of my acting class final project and people were all gawking at me after I finished... Hehe. I think I used a stuffed animal as my husband. xD And of course I had PLENTY of candles... Note: the play itself is about a woman contemplating to murder her husband... ^^
I actually incorporated a dance in the middle and wore a flowy gown for that reason. The results were pretty... effective. Ah Memories...Scent of a Burning Match: Monologue Mason, please wake up, I need to talk to you. Mason? Mason….[After trying unsuccessfully to wake Mason, Celia turns to the only other moving, living, thing in the bedroom, a blue candle, and starts speaking in a soft voice]Are you crying again…? I want to comfort you… before you flicker out. Perhaps I will end it with my own hands, so that I would be the only one to blame. I will cry for you, I know I will cry. I want to save you… though you burned me… but… it hurts to see you waning helplessly in frustration, more and more each day, waiting for a world that’s too preoccupied with a ritual that will go on the same with or without you… but if I save you, I will have to take away your life. Which do you prefer? To keep that dignified beauty you possessed when you were new and proud until you finally exhaust away, or… I can see, the blue residue suffocating you, warm tears sliding down your body, mingling with ashes at the bottom…, can I… face the coldness that would belong only to us?… but at least I will still have you, your lifeless body, a sweet memory of when you were lit for the first time. I should do it soon… I owe you a proper finale…[Mason turns around, mumbles something, then goes back to sleep.]Mason? Are you awake?…. I guess… you can’t hear me after all….[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="512" caption="Burning Out"][/caption]
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29th April 2009
女媧的失樂園
我喜歡做一些無聊的比較﹐也很喜歡雜七雜八地把一些不相關的事情和人物牽連起來。可憐可悲的潘朵拉與慈祥偉大的女媧娘娘﹐就是因為我這種性格而與對方拉上關係的。女媧是神話中的第一位女神﹐也可以說是第一個女性的存在。潘朵拉剛好也是第一位被創造的人類女性。除了同樣身為“第一”﹐這兩位女性也都代表著人們心中無時無刻潛在著的自我意識。
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="246" caption="Release"][/caption]在從前的從前﹐還沒有歷史記載的時候﹐人類習慣生活在一個一個的小社會中。基本上﹐人都是群居動物。可是﹐當人學會如何單靠自己去生存的時候﹐開始認為自己是一個最特別的存在的時候﹐便也學會了劃上各種界線﹐把他們認為是屬於自己與屬於他人的事物分隔開﹐也間接地把自己封鎖起來。做個比喻﹐當初伊甸園中的亞當與夏娃在沒有自我意識的時候﹐他們可以輕鬆自在﹐無憂無慮地奔跑在他們的樂園中。可是﹐當他們得到了智慧﹐意識到自我的時候﹐這種心靈上的自由就消失了。在女媧創造人類的的故事中﹐我們就已經可以察覺到人類自我意識的模糊影子。盤古創世界的故事中﹐最後是他的靈魂化成了世間的萬般生態﹐那也包括了人類在內。在女媧造人的故事中﹐人類卻是女媧特意按照著自己的模樣﹐一個個地用泥土混著水捏造出來的。相對起盤古一視同仁的創造故事﹐在女媧的故事中﹐人類就是特別的﹐獨一無二的創造物了。在神話誕生的時代﹐那麼遠古的時空中﹐人類就已經懂得為自己在自然中爭取更高的地位﹐就已經擁有了惟我獨尊的意識﹐或許也就已經失去了與自然中的其他生物交流的興趣與本能。在潘朵拉打開那個盒子之前﹐人類沒有戰爭﹐所以沒有所謂的和平﹐同樣地﹐也不瞭解何為幸與不幸﹐他們可以生活在“無知”的自由中。在女媧按自己模樣創造人類之時﹐在潘朵拉打開盒子之時﹐人類的自我意識誕生了﹐ 樂園已經消失了。不過﹐那也意味著﹐這個失去的“樂園﹐”就留待每個人自己去尋獲了。在人類的自我意識可以讓路給某種更為強烈的情感的時候﹐在一個人可以讓心甘情願另外一個人的存在左右他/她的生活的時候﹐他/她或許就找到自己的樂園了。
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14th April 2009
屬水仙的男人 The Man of Narcissus
There is a back story to this, though I will not translate my post and make this painfully long. Yes this is a true story. This event happened when I went to Hangzhou (2003) and met up with a few internet friends. Together we went to a gay bar, which is where the story (more of a scene) below took place. I had thoughts at the time about writing this story, but it wasn't until I did something very inappropriate that made me feel ashamed of myself that I really sat down to write this story as an apology to my friend - I stole his ID to look at his birthday (really more to show off to the others that I could), and then returned it to him of course. I was young, brash, and did not understand how fragile human emotions could be. To this day, I still feel badly about what I did... but fortunately, he forgave me and we became pretty good friends afterwards (that was the first time we met). For those of you who can read Chinese, hope you get something out of the story, if only a mood. Please remember that something minor that you do may seem like a cute prank to you... but it can hold significant meaning or do damage to another that you can't imagine. Everything in life is so fleeting: beauty, youth, love... so grasp it and cherish it while you can.
那天﹐我和幾個好朋友與幾個剛認識的朋友﹐一起去了杭州的一家卡拉OK廳。
那天﹐我和一個本應全無交集的人﹐成了朋友。
那天﹐我認識了一個屬水仙的男人。寬敞的大廳以一個小舞台為中心。我們選擇了一張離人群偏遠的圓形小桌子﹐點了一些茶酒小食﹐天南地北地聊起來了。不知為何﹐平時被評為多嘴的我﹐那天特別安靜。或許是因為腦筋短路﹐不知道該說些什麼好﹔也或許﹐我突然想感受那種當聆聽者的感覺。嘻聲笑語中﹐很自然地﹐我發現到我對面的﹐第一次見面的他﹐漸漸地也沉寂下來﹐靜靜地喝著酒。剛見面的時候﹐他話雖然不多﹐卻是一個很懂得吸引他人注意力的人﹐也絕對不是一個怕生的人。現在的默然無語﹐突然給我有一種很脆弱的感覺。一起去的人不多﹐桌子也很小。雖然他坐對面﹐但離我不是太遠。如果我傾身向前﹐可以在不打擾旁人的情況下和他聊天。於是﹐長姐情懷開始膨脹的我靠前﹐問﹕“你還好吧﹖”他有點意外地抬頭略略看了我一下﹐說道﹕“我沒事。只是有點悶。”
我點頭﹕“想唱歌﹖”
他搖頭﹕“現在不想。”
我看了看他面前的酒罐﹐把它推開﹕“聊天﹖”
他笑了﹐終於正眼望向我“想畫畫。”
我也笑了﹐“那就畫啊。”
我把用來點歌的小紙張和鉛筆送到他面前。他嘴角泛起一抹微笑﹐執起筆﹐開始全神貫注地把想說的話畫到紙上。
其實﹐他是一個很帥很可愛的男人。他在專心畫畫的時候﹐四週好像冒起了一環光。
我噙著笑﹐享受著喧譁裡的一抹靜謐。
這時﹐吧檯旁響起了悠然的歌聲﹐看來是今晚的主要娛樂項目開始了。歌聲十分優美﹐演繹中的客人十分投入﹐仿彿他真的是站在萬眾注目的大舞台上。
我對著在唱歌的人出了會神。當我轉頭﹐才發現他已停下了筆﹐正對著他的畫發呆。
我剛要問﹐他卻突然把紙撕碎了﹐丟進煙灰缸中。我嚇了一跳﹐卻阻止不來。
“你幹什麼﹖”我略帶怒氣地責問他。
“沒事。” 玩世不恭的神情實在很適合他。可惜我不大會欣賞。
“不準再破壞自己的作品﹐不要的給我。” 我瞪著他。
“好啊。” 他壞壞地笑著﹐繼續埋頭苦幹。我緊緊地盯著他﹐免得他再來驚人之舉。
這次他卻連連抬頭看我﹐然後再低頭拼命畫。我仰身一望﹐見他畫的是一個女孩﹐半身被黑影掩蓋﹐長髮飄揚。從我的角度﹐她臉上的神情模糊不清。
“是誰啊﹖”
“你啊。” 他笑。
我再瞪他一眼。“讓我看看。”
我把紙搶過來﹐用力地看著那個女孩。
她大大的雙眼直望向前﹐在注視著什麼﹐眼中只有一片漠然。她嘴旁叼著淺笑﹐卻不知為何﹐很苦﹐很無奈。是我嗎﹖
“我發現﹐我已經畫不出女生了。” 他淡淡地說。
我無言。
“剛一直想畫個女生﹐卻畫來畫去都好像是在畫自己。看來﹐在美校的那四年是白過了。” 他低頭﹐在另外一張紙上畫起來。
我站起身﹐和他旁邊的朋友說了幾句﹐換了位子坐他身邊。“我有一個女朋友﹐很漂亮。我和她感情不錯。她在西安這幾年﹐我有時候也會想著她。”
我把酒推到他面前。
“可是我越來越發現﹐我們之間的距離﹐原來已經變得那麼遠。不但是地理上﹐心靈思想上也是。不過﹐這不是她的錯。” 他苦笑。
“難道是你的錯﹖”
他看著我﹐我也看著他。
如果有人現在看到我們﹐或許會誤會我們在深情凝望。
可惜﹐我很清楚他不會愛上我。我也很瞭解﹐自己不會愛上他。
我拍了拍他的手﹐再次看向那個半邊埋藏在黑暗中的未成形女子。
“這個﹐就送給你吧。失敗的作品。”
他自嘲地笑著﹐抽出另一張紙﹐在紙上方畫了一條橫線﹐在橫線下畫了一個小圈﹐在小圈下畫一個小圈﹐在這個小圈內填進黑影﹐在黑圈下再畫上一條橫線。這樣子兩條橫線便構成並行線﹐中間塞進了一個白圈和一個黑圈。“這是天。” 他指著上面的橫線。
“這是地。” 他指著下面的橫線。
“這是我。” 白圈。
“這是我的影子。” 黑圈。
“我發現﹐原來世間上真正存在的﹐只有我和我的影子*。”
我皺眉﹐剛要說話。他把紙轉了180度。
“現在天地倒翻﹐影子成了我﹐我成了影子。有時候我真的分不清﹐究竟誰是影子誰是我。”他突然跳起來﹐大聲說“我要唱歌﹗”
旁邊正聊得開心的大家被他嚇了一跳﹐然後集體起鬨。我倒是什麼也說不出來了。“要唱什麼﹖”一個朋友興致勃勃地問。
“嗤﹐他一向只唱那麼一﹑兩首。” 他一個好朋友說。他跑過去吧檯跟老闆說了幾句。不久﹐大廳中便響起了張信哲 “不要對他說” 的音樂。
他緊緊地抓著麥﹐投入看著電視畫面。他開始唱歌的時候﹐我真有點張信哲在真人演繹的錯覺。可是抬頭卻還是看到那個白皙瘦削的青年﹐深情地唱出一個個微帶懮傷的音符。不是常說﹐唱歌的時候﹐感情的投入盡可以禰補技巧上的失誤嗎﹖除了高音地帶不可避免地走了一下音﹐終結來說﹐他還是唱得不錯﹐令人不禁迷醉其中。他真的把這首滿溢著孤獨與無奈的味道的歌唱得十分傳神﹐就像他真的在經歷著某種撕裂般的無聲痛楚。所以﹐當他唱完﹐徹耳的掌聲便在大廳中響起。余興未消的他﹐跑進舞池﹐四處奔跑風騷地連環換著舞伴﹐跳起勁舞。我發現﹐他身邊同一時間從來不會少于三人。其實﹐他真的是一個很受歡迎的人。當然﹐他自己也清楚知道這點﹐而且看來還會善於利用。不過﹐可惜他一個都不愛。或許﹐他不懂得去愛。他閉上眼睛﹐仰著頭﹐隨著節奏轉慢的音樂扭動著身體﹐昏黯的彩燈在他臉上緩緩蠕動﹐不時把他的頭臉掩進黑暗。光與暗掙扎著﹐拖出一條條糾纏的長線。看著他﹐我好像看到了那不小心低頭看到自己水中倒影的絕色美少年﹐那瑟色斯﹐那麼深刻地又絕望地愛上了自己的倒影﹐從此不悔﹐至死不渝。就算重生為花﹐卻還是逃不過既定的命運。他又會否如那美麗卻可憐的花兒﹐一生垂著頭看著自己的倒影﹐直到歲月的流逝使他再次在孤獨中慢慢地枯萎﹑死去﹖那瑟色斯還有寧芙女神痴心地懷念著﹐但他呢﹖我看著手上的那個女孩﹐或許也可以說是他下意識的自畫像。她無神的眼眸茫茫地看著前方﹐似乎看不到自己的出路。如果眼睛是靈魂之窗﹐那麼這個窗子﹐已經緊緊地封鎖起了。我不知道為什麼我可以瞭解認識不久的他心裡的想法。我只知道﹐當我們真正真正地愛上自己﹐那大概就是一輩子的事了。因為﹐我們可以逃避任何人和事﹐卻永遠沒有辦法逃離自己自身的桎梏。我把女孩收入手袋中。突然﹐也好想唱歌。[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="358" caption="顧影**"][/caption]
*影子 is actually his internet alias
*Much thanks to Ryan for the beautiful picture (though not a narcissus )
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Sze K. Aka Chan's Posterous
歸去，也無風雨也無晴。
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