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19th November 2009
Dear You series
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="239" caption="Hello"][/caption]It's been a while since I sat myself down and really thought up a writing project that I want to dedicate myself to. One reason is that I know there are too many and I would just overwhelm myself.However, I have always known that I want to write a series of articles for my friends and family, whom I adore. There are certain moments in memory that stay with you for a long long time, and it's those times that make your life seem so special. That's why I want to dedicate this series to the people I love. I am determined to write down snippets of my life in which they have participated so that many many years later, when I look back, or when they look back, we can savor these moments again, vividly, and know that they will stay with us forever.The people who shall appear may be relatives, friends, or just random people, people who are still here or have passed on. The Dear You series is just my way of telling them how special they are. For those who will never be able to read these entries (e.g. Bubby, my grandpas), I still hope that somehow, by writing these words down, by having you read them, that my thoughts will be passed on to them.So, hello. And see you soon.
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23rd October 2009
Dear Grandpa II: 原來﹐你已經走了
原來, 你已經走了
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="320" caption="2002 Family Pic"][/caption]
今早起來時﹐聽見電話﹐想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。
所以﹐我決定上班。原來﹐你快要離開了。
剛到公司時﹐收到電話﹐說﹕可能熬不過。
想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。
所以﹐我決定工作。原來﹐我來不及說再見了。
無法工作﹐再次收到電話﹐說﹕回來吧。
想﹕沒關係的﹐他沒事的。看著空無一人的車卡﹐想哭。
但﹕不能哭﹐早上哭﹐腳頭不好。
看天﹐看地﹐看風景...踏著走了十幾年的行人路﹐想哭。
但﹕不能哭﹐早上哭﹐腳頭不好。
看天﹐看地﹐看行人...開了你家的門﹐爸爸說﹕爺爺死了。
突然發現
原來﹐我的眼淚﹐如其它人一般廉價。原來﹐你已經走了。
上了車﹐要趕著見你最後一面,
見最後一面﹐是為了你走得安心﹐還是讓我可以活得安心﹖
不重要了。
想哭。
所以﹐哭了。醫院外﹐媽媽來電話﹐說﹕他們已經不許人進來了。
我大叫﹕什麼叫不許﹖﹗我已經到了﹗
想哭。
哭了。急症室外﹐看著推門出來的親人們﹐說﹕醫生已經把爺爺送走了。
見不到了。
真的見不到了。原來﹐你已經走了。
想哭﹐不能哭不能哭﹐要堅強哪
原來﹐我做不到。
所以﹐奶奶轉身後﹐
哭了﹐
又哭了﹐
哎呀﹐眼淚不出來了﹐
可是﹐
好像還是在哭啊...
好痛好痛好痛心好痛
想你想你想你﹐如此捨不得你
為什麼為什麼為什麼如果聽到電話時沒上班的話﹐
那...
如果﹐不能工作就回來的話﹐
就或許...如果﹐我把想送給你和奶奶的書如期寫出來﹐
你會不會知道﹐
其實﹐
我很愛你﹐
我最親愛的﹐最可愛的爺爺﹖知道你活得快樂﹐努力令自己快樂﹐令自己身邊的人快樂﹐
所以
為你自豪﹐
為你驕傲﹐
但﹐好捨不得你。知道你的生命多姿多彩﹐悠長而無悔
所以﹐
為你開心
為你興幸
但﹐好想你...以後﹐再不能拍拍你圓圓的肚肚﹐
以後﹐再不能摸摸你銀白的頭髮﹐
以後﹐再不能為你的笑話哭笑不得﹐
以後﹐再不能教訓你﹐說你古板﹐
以後﹐再不能怪你口水亂飛﹐
以後﹐再不能說下次飲茶我請﹐
以後﹐再不能說有的話一定帶個男朋友給你過目﹐
以後﹐再不能說要贊助你環游世界﹐
以後﹐再不能說不想吃你馳名的"陳家炒飯"﹐
以後﹐再不能扶你﹐陪你逛街﹐
以後﹐再不能講你耳背﹐不想跟你說話﹐
以後﹐再不能笑你又重看還珠格格﹐
以後﹐再不能聽你總指揮的號令﹐
以後﹐再不能說你是世上最帥最可愛的爺爺...雖然你的確是...
看著﹐你買給我的五塊錢手錶﹐
穿著﹐你不知從哪裡掏出來的裙子(發現我果然太胖了)
戴著﹐你無意中從地上撿到﹐拼命塞給我的銀手鏈﹐而你﹐已經走了。
知道﹐你其實很疼我
知道﹐你其實也捨不得我
知道﹐你其實也很愛我﹐不﹐應該是說﹐我們。
你想對我們說...
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會堅強的﹔
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會好好照顧奶奶的﹔
嗯﹐聽到了聽到了﹐我們會幸福的。好捨不得好捨不得好捨不得你。
但﹐好希望好希望好希望你安心。
無論你身在何方﹐
知道你一定會看著我們﹐
我們也會很想很想你...But, you were already gone.
Woke up in the morning to the phone: He had an episode.
Though: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
So, I went to work.But, you were about to leave.
Arrived at the office, got a call: Maybe he won’t make it.
Thought: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
So, I started work.But, I’ve lost my chance to say goodbye.
Couldn’t work. Phone rang: Come back.
Thought: It’s fine. He’ll be fine.Watching the empty car, wanting to cry.
No. No crying in the morning; it’s bad luck.
So I watched the sky, ground, scenery passing by...Walking the familiar way home, wanting to cry.
No. No crying in the morning; it’s bad luck.
So I watched the sky, ground, people passing by…Opened your door, dad said: Grandpa is dead.
And I discovered
that my tears can come rather sudden.But, you were already gone.
Got in the car to see you for the last time.
To see you for the last time, so you can leave in peace, or so I may live in peace?
Ah, not important anymore.
Wanted to cry.
So, cried.Outside the hospital, mom said: They won’t permit anyone else in.
I screamed: What’s “wont permit?” I’m here already!
Wanted to cry.
So, cried.Outside the ER, family member exited and said: The doctor has already taken grandpa away.
I lost you.
I’ve lost the last chance to see you.But, you were already gone.
Wanted to cry. Can’tcrycan’tcrycan’ttry. I must be strong.
But, not strong enough.
So, when grandma turned around.
Cried.
Cried again.
The tears won’t come.
But still crying.
And somewhere inside.
It hurt.
It hurt.And thoughts of you flooded the mind
And I asked “why”
Whywhywhywhywhy?If I didn’t leave for work after the first call…
Then…
If I left work after I got there…
Maybe…If I finished the book I promised you and grandma
Would you then know
That, really,
I loved you very much?
My dearest
most darling, grandpa?I know you lived happily, happy for yourself and your family.
So,
I’m always proud of you.
But… I miss you.I know you’ve lived a long and eventful life.
So,
I’m happy for you.
But… I miss you.From now on,
no more patting your round tummy;
no more tugging your silvery hair;
no more getting exasperated at your bad jokes;
no more lecturing you, claiming you to be too stubborn;
no more dodging your raining spit;
no more promising “dimsum on me next week”;
no more empty promises of bring home a boyfriend;
no more claiming sponsorship for your round-the-world tour;
no more complaining about your famous “Chan’s Fried Rice”;
no more supporting you as we walked through the city;
no more rolling my eyes at your hard of hearing;
no more poking fun of your obsession with TV;
no more taking orders from the “commander in chief”;
From now on, no more telling you that you are the world’s most adorable and handsome grandpa.
… of course you are.Looking at the five dollar watch you bought,
Donning the dress you conjured up from nowhere (and realized I gained weight)
Wearing the silver bracelet you discovered on the ground and squeezed into my hands,
But you… were already gone.I know how you took care of me.
I know you must miss me too.
know you loved me, no, us, too.
You wanted to tell us…Yes, I understand: We will be strong.
Yes, I understand: We will take care of grandma.
Yes, I understand: We will be happy.ImissyouImissyouImissyou.
But… I wish you for you to be free.Wherever you are,
I know you would be watching us…
And we will always, really really miss you.-----------------------------------------
10/09 雖然這一篇很多年前就寫下了，但是今天才有這個機會放出來。公開，就是放開的第一步吧？This is written much earlier for the grandpa on my dad’s side who passed away on 3/21/03. Didn’t really publish it until now. Sharing, is perhaps the first step to healing? Translation was done 10/19/09.
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19th October 2009
Dear Grandpa I
Grandpa
今天，Grandpa這個字，正式成爲了我的回憶。9歲后的我，身邊的Grandpa只有爺爺。但9歲前的我，身邊的Grandpa，卻只有外公。爺爺03年已經離開我們，剩下外公一個Grandpa。而外公今天，在纏綿病榻兩年后，也走了。[caption id="" align="alignright" width="291" caption="外公"][/caption]生離死別，是人生必經的階段，雖然我還沒能征服這些苦，但卻不得不向它低頭。心底除了那人留下的痛，還有我對於生死的執著，對人的愛，這也都是業。生離病死，或許是我永遠不能參透的業。雖説是業，但它也是美好的，因爲它代表了我們對生命、對人的熱愛。這就是爲什麽我還沒有真正追隨佛教，因爲我仍是沒能找出大愛和小愛的區分，也做不到。都說人年紀越大，就越會想起小時候的事情。我或許還沒有到那樣的年齡，可是想起小時候照顧我的外公，心口還是忍不住一陣傷痛。小時候的記憶已經很模糊。外公一直住在隔壁的危樓裏。爸媽都忙著工作，所以小時候都是外公在張羅我的午餐之類的日常瑣碎事情。小時候的我，對於未知（其最深刻的體現就是死亡）是十分害怕的。神魔鬼佛，常常來造訪我的夢境，讓我惡夢連連，差不多每天都在午睡中驚醒。所以我對於黑暗是萬份的恐懼。外公外婆住在危樓的三樓，二樓是一條長長黑黑沉沉的走廊。中間的那戶是一位老婆婆。因爲她房中常常滲出一種沉重的氣團，壓抑得我透不過氣，所以我很害怕經過她的門前。雖是如此，但還是忍不住常常跑去外公家玩。只是經過長廊的時候，總會閉上眼，拼命跑，因爲外公家總會有好吃的，好玩的。後來二樓那位婆婆去世了，我就真的很少上去了，因爲我實在是一個膽小鬼。年輕時超級搗蛋的我，常常會閙出一些讓人哭笑不得的事情。比如有一次，我整天沒吃東西，勉強爬回外公家的時候，整個人呈半死狀態，嚷道我生病了，發燒了。嚇壞了的外公外婆忙煮好飯，看能不能吃完飯帶去去看爸媽。誰知道三碗飯下肚，我立即龍精虎猛地蹦蹦跳，讓他們哭笑不得。無聊的時候，我會很乖地幫外公在巷子口賣花，陪他一起看粵劇，直説裏面的生旦比不上我爸媽好看，說我爸媽世界上最漂亮，最帥的人。很可惜，小時候對於外公的記憶，剩下寥寥無幾，因爲當時年紀小，記不起了，不像後來一直一起的爺爺，滿滿的都是共同走過的日子片斷。雖是如此，雖説如果人不在身邊，可以變得不在乎，但是，原來還是會很在乎的。或許是因爲，對於生命中的每一份感情，我都看待得極重、極重。因爲在乎，所以也容易傷得極深、極深。對外公其他的記憶，一直留存在03年回去中國時候的經歷。那時候的外公已經開始有輕微的老人癡呆症症狀，但幸好還是記得我。整個人包裹在厚厚的毛衣裏的他，笑咧咧地看著我，每天堅持一同吃飯、照相、看電視。那爽朗的大笑，多年還是不變。那年離開中國，心裏大概就知道以後可能永遠都再見不到外公外婆兩位老人家了，我藏起來大哭（兩位老人家也知道的，所以特別捨不得），但是畢竟還是要離開。這幾年，聽到有關外公的消息，都是他因爲老人癡呆症退化后的事情，還有因爲腳受了傷而承受的痛苦。生命力頑強的他，一直抗拒著病情的侵略，但是人的力量還是有限的。他開始認不得任何人，媽媽和阿姨們都不記得了，只記得唯一的舅舅，還有就是陪了他70年的老伴，我外婆。到生命的盡頭，這兩個一同走過了超過半個世紀的人，卻相隔兩地。外公被送到護理中心，方便有人24小時看護。而外婆因爲討厭護理中心，堅持不住進去，就住在老人院。一輩子癡情的外公，對於一向對他冷淡的外婆，念念不忘，有幾次腳上傷口一直流血，快熬不住了，他不願走，只是爲了等外婆。外婆不在的時候，他把床翻起，對護士們發脾氣，一次次地撐了過來。可是，就因爲住得那麽遠，差那麽幾分鐘，外婆就趕不上見外公的最後一面了。爺爺是滿肚子墨水的書香世家知識分子，與一輩子賣豬肉賣花，干粗活的外公不同。但是他們兩個都爲了自己的子女，盡了自己最大的努力。爺爺辛苦教育出我們幾個，是他引以爲傲的孫兒們。他留下了一生辛苦掙來的點點積蓄，用來辦自己的後事，讓兒孫們不用爲了錢的事操心，雖然，兒女們早就不用他操心了。外公走時，剩下的，只不過是床底下偷偷藏的，國外的大家當初為他包腳上傷口所買的，他寶貝得不得了的一卷卷Bounty紙巾和止痛的Tylenol（中國沒有Tylenol）。幾年前他神志還清醒的時候，把存了辛苦一輩子賺來的還有國外兒女寄回來的錢的戶口資料，塞了給還留在中國的家人，因爲如果給了外婆，怕她會用光，另外也是怕自己到後來什麽都不記得了，錢在銀行拿不出來。多麽不相同兩個人啊，但他們都是我非常珍愛的家人。直至今日，我仍然不能翻看爺爺的照片，因爲害怕情緒會失控。爺爺走得很快，完全沒有徵兆地，突然地，就去了。外公卻是相反，病情一直反復拖遝，說他不行了，趕快趕回去中國見一面，他又恢復給你看，讓大家哭笑不得，好幾年下來，照顧他的，國外神經兮兮等消息的，都已經做好心理準備了。雖然情況完全不同，但是，當那時刻來臨，還是同樣如此的痛。爺爺最後走的時候，子孫都在身邊。可是外公辛苦了一輩子，在他走的時候，身邊卻沒有一個兒女送他，只有一個外孫。到最後那幾天，他還是一直抗拒打針（他討厭人家拿東西弄傷他嫩滑的皮膚呢），然後把表姐拿過去的食物全部吃光。如此堅強的靈魂，卻困在了一個背叛了他的身軀裡面。我們情何以堪？那天，在飯店看著一個大家庭為一位老公公過生日，好多好多的兒孫為他唱生日歌，吹蠟燭，切蛋糕，心裏不禁想到，我從來沒有幫外公過過生日呢。我心裏，好羡慕那些興高采烈的小孩子們，好羡慕那位呵呵笑的老公公啊。母親沒什麽表情，在收到通知后就一直在忙打電話和兄弟姐妹們商量。這兩年因爲外公一直告急，他們各自都回去好幾次了，假期都用完了。而唯一尚算空閒的母親，因爲身體一向不好最近又病了，也是束手無策。雖然口中說著外公痛苦了那麽久，離開反而是一種解脫，但是從小就比較親爸爸的她，怎麽可能不傷心呢？看著表面豁達的母親，我偷偷地想：媽媽，你哭不出來的眼淚，讓我幫你哭個痛快吧。眼淚或許很廉價，但心卻是無價的。外公他懂，他會了解的。柏金森症讓當初家裏唯一支持我寫作的奶奶已經睜不開眼，説話不清，全身僵硬，大部分時間寸步難移。還有糖尿病加超重的外婆，你們又會什麽時候離開我呢？你們對我的期許，我怕是沒有時間證明給你看了啊。感覺，我真是一個超級不孝的孫女啊。生離死別，是人生最大的無奈。人是最堅強的，又是最脆弱的。
我，又什麽時候才能堪破呢？外公，外公。你一路走好啊！我會很想你的。From today onwards, the word “grandpa” will officially become a word of memory.People always say that as we get old, we remember more our younger days. I’m not quite there yet, but when I think of my grandpa who took care of me when I was younger, I can’t help feeling pangs of pain.Memories from my childhood are very blurry. Grandpa lived next door, in a building on the verge of collapse. Parents were always busy working, so grandpa took care of my lunch and after school activities. My grandparents lived on the third floor of the building. The second floor was occupied by a decrepit old lady whose room stank a deep musty odor that stayed like a weight on my senses, so that I always feared passing her door. Despite this, I liked running over to grandpa’s place, with its toys and games and tasty food, so I pushed myself to run through the long dark hallway with eyes closed. When the old lady passed away, I went there much less. I was quite the little coward.I was spunky even back then and often stirred up trouble that gave adults endless headaches. Once, after having starved the whole day, I kicked open my grandparents’ door and proclaimed that I was sick with a fever. My panicking grandparents immediately brought out food and discussed taking me to my parents after lunch. After three bowls of rice, I was jumping all over the place again. When I had free time, I would help grandpa sell flowers at the entrance to our little alleyway, watch Cantonese opera with him, mainly because I like to announce again and again that my parents were much better looking than the actors.Unfortunately, memories of grandpa are rather scant because I left China so young and left much of my childhood there, unlike my grandpa in the US, with whom I had lived a much longer time. Even so, even though people say when you’re not close, not there, it’s almost as if it (they/him/her) doesn’t matter. But really, it matters. Perhaps because I hold every tidbit of my life, every person I come across, so precious, because I hold on so tightly and carefully, it always hurts.Other memories of grandpa are from the days I spent with him when I visited China in 03. At that time, grandpa had already started developing symptoms of dementia. Fortunately, he still remembered me. He insisted on eating together, still liked to watch tv and smoke. His hearty laugh was still the same as many years ago. When I left China that year, I knew I probably would not have another chance to see them. I hid in the bathroom and cried (my usual practice). But life must move on.These past few years, all the news about grandpa were related to how his is mental capacity was degenerating, and the wound on his leg that would not heal. He started to not recognize anyone, my mom, aunts, other family members. The only one he remembered was my uncle, his only son, and his wife of 70 years. In their autumn years, the two people who passed nearly a century together lived apart. Grandpa was taken to a special care center, where he was taken care of by doctors and nurses. Grandma thought it to be too boring and went to a nursing home. Harboring the love of 70 years for someone who perhaps did not love him in the same way, grandpa would often throw tantrums if he realized grandma wasn’t there. A few times, when he was about to pass over because of excessive bleeding, he held on because my grandma wasn’t there. But because they lived so far, in the final moment, grandma was not able to see him off.Grandpa spent his life working for his wife and children. In the end, all he had left was the rolls of Bounty tugged away under his bed that we bought him from the US to clean his wound and bottles of Tylenol, which was not sold in China. A few years back, when his mind was more intact, he gave my cousin all the information for the account he had in China, where he stowed away the small amount of savings he had and the money that everyone sent home from the US and Canada. He didn’t want to give it to grandma because she would surely squander it, and he didn’t want to lose the money in case he just forgot everything one day. Grandpa had suffered, on and off, for the final years of his life. There were many alerts that drove everyone to fly back to him, only to have him recover at lightening speed, so full as he always were with life and spirit. But when he finally left, no one was there save for one of my cousins. I remember the day when I saw a huge family was celebrating their old grandfather’s birthday. Watching everyone sing, blow candles, and cut the cake, I realized that I had never had the chance to throw a birthday party for my grandpa. How I envied these children who were close to their grandfather, how I envied the happy grandfather.Mother has been quiet and strong through all this, constantly on the phone calling and discussing how to handle the situation with her siblings. Even though she told everyone that after so many years of suffering, it was perhaps a good thing that he was finally released from the pain. But how she must be hurting under the calm. Her father, the one who took care of her like both a father and a mother, the one who always fought for her, who only wanted and worked for her happiness, was gone. So I said quietly in my heart, as I watch her: Mother, let me cry those tears you cannot cry. Perhaps tears are cheap, but the thoughts are priceless. He will understand. He will certainly know.I wonder, when will my grandmas leave me? All the hopes they had for me, have I run out of time to prove myself to you?Humans are so resilient, yet so fragile. As I bid farewell to my last grandpa, I wonder, when will I see through the facade of life, and come to terms with reality around me? That these truths are what maintains the flow of life?
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The grandpa in this piece is the grandpa on my mom’s side. Chinese original done 10/17/09. English adapted translation done 10/19/09. -
12th April 2009
Dear Bubbles, Bubby, Beloved.
Anyone who knows me well knows that there's a very special little guy in my life. He might not have been strong or powerful, but he's the sweetest, cutest and most wonderful being in the world. And he was the love of my life. His name was Bubbles (Marri calls him Mr. B), but I liked to call him Bubby.On the night of 4/9/09, this most amazing being left us.It's not quite possible for me to describe how I feel, or how Marri feels right now. We spent who knows how long crying on the phone together. Because we knew it's not possible to convey how we feel, but we just knew. He touched so many lives, softened so many hearts, and made so many mentally and physically draining days bearable… just because he was there.I was there when Marri took first him home that crisp September evening - to her dorm room (illegally) - during our Senior year, right after he was born. He was but a white little fur ball (with only a few specks of black), tender to the touch and rather timid. Holding him was rather like holding a new born. We were so careful not to hurt him, but it was so difficult to resist the urge to poke him and tease him. He was our little baby, our common (open) secret. From then on, we all became just that much more bunny-obsessed.The first time I spent quality time with him alone was when Marri had to leave him in my care when she went home for TG. The little one was still being moved around in his cage. I cleaned his cage, fed him, gave him his medicine (poor baby was often sick), took him out for exercises and often walked around with him curled up on my chest. The little guy licked my chest occasionally. That's when Alicia started the whole joke about the "perverted little bunny." I also used him as my animal model for my acting class project, since that was due right after TG. I still remember that I was the quietly intelligent, reserved and sophisticated mini-bunny who stayed very still, while another classmate, who was apparently acting an ADHD bunny, was told to hop and hobble all around me. I gave him casual cool glances, kicked a little when he annoyed me too much, and generally ignored him. I got an A for that assignment. The bond went so far that I actually started having dreams of bunnies infiltrating my dorm room and hopping every which way. I couldn’t even say if that was a dream or a nightmare.When I spent my two months in LA, on my media-high, getting increasingly grossed out by the rotten spirit-less fruit that is LA... he (and the 2 other bunnies) kept me company and that's really when I fell in love with the little guy. I loved the way he would lick my hand with his little pink tongue when he wanted more cilantro in his veggie plate; the way he flicked his foot (the middle finger in bunny tongue) at me when I grabbed him and cuddled him against his wishes; the way he settled into my lap, the way he just… existed… and somehow managed to seep his way into to my soul.I don't think there's anyone who is capable of spending time with Bubby and not fall in love with him. But I know for those of us who were lucky enough to spend a substantial amount of time with him, to truly see his kind nature (and yes, those little naughty moments), and to hold him gently in our arms and find comfort in his warmth… for those of us who were blessed with him in our lives, for however short or long a time, he will always be there in our hearts, until we all become very very old bunny lovers.I love you, Bubby.
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Sze K. Aka Chan's Posterous
歸去，也無風雨也無晴。
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