Notes of a Desolate Libra

The night before I left NYC, Jack (my computer guru) came to deliver a cheesecake to me. Cooking (mostly desserts or baking) has become his recent (ongoing) hobby. He had asked for a review of his cheesecake, but I’ll do slightly more than that.

His cheesecake was excellent. Except for that fact that it was a bit soggy from having been carried around for quite a few hours (NJ->Manhattan->Brooklyn). Of course, by this point you’re wondering what computer guru has to do with cheesecake. Well, all of us have hobbies. Some of us have hobbies that we really love but that we keep as “hobbies” instead of actually pursuing them as a career because we do not think it’s feasible. While I don't necessarily think Jack's cooking hobby is something he should pursue as a career, I think that he should not dismiss the idea. Anything is possible. And when we look back in life, it's the most wonderful thing to see that you have made the impossible possible.

We are always looking for ways to realize our dreams... but there are obstacles that perhaps we don't even see. The other day I got a copy of The Alchemist entirely by accident (as my housemate called it: it's a gift from the Universe) so I'’ll use Paul Coelho’s intro to his book, as a guide for this post.

He mentions in the intro that there are four things between us and our Personal Legend, in this order:
1. Being conditioned since childhood into believing that what we want to do is not possible
2. We don’t want to hurt others by pursuing our dreams
3. Fear of defeats we shall most definitely encounter on the way
4. Fear of realizing our dreams (and consequently sabotaging our dreams so that they would never come true)

Having personally walked through each of those steps, I had a knowing smile of understanding when I read the book, which is amazing, btw.

Having been raised in a Chinese family, I was expected to: 1) get a stable job and stay with it; 2) get married by 25; 3) have children by 30; and 4) stay put and raise a family. Although I do not dismiss the importance of these things in life, I have done none of the above and am quite successful (@ least in my own terms) and happy. But having to convince myself that I did not have to walk that set path was not easy. I had never been a conventional person, but I grew up having these "points" drilled into my brain and it's been a constant struggle against them (b/c by nature I am not inclined to go this path). For those who are still struggling to get out of this stage, believe in your own strength and that even if you fail, there is a way back.

Then, I came upon the stage of having to leave my protective shell, which my friends and family have built around me. At the same time that I lose their protection, they probably felt a sense of abandonment - I had left them. Knowing this, it was extremely difficult for me to leave NYC, which had everything I had known and loved. I did not want to hurt them or have them feel that I did not love them (it didn't help that my mother was doing tons of guilt-tripping). But at the same time that this is fear of hurting them, it is equally our fear of losing them and their protection. It's for their benefit and ours. There's nothing wrong with this struggle. And if you decide to give up because the fear of hurting them is so great, at least you know that you're well loved. However, if you want to take the risk, and you are in this stage, remember that those who truly love you will always love you, and even if you fail at your dream, when you return, they will still welcome you home with open arms.

Fear of the difficulties is fully understandable, but also one of the easiest to overcome because it does not involve the decision of "choosing who you want to become." If you have the strength of mind to overcome the previous two, just think back to the incredible strength you displayed in having defied your entire upbringing and also stepping out of your comfort zone, and it is not too difficult get through this stage. As the Alchemist says, "the fear of suffering is much worse than the suffering itself."

And finally, there is the incredible fact that we actually do have the urge/tendency to destroy our own dreams when we are just one step away from it. Why? Perhaps we're afraid of beyond our dreams. What if we can't achieve it? What if we no longer have a goal after we realize our dream? What if...

Too much thinking, not enough doing. One thing I have been advocating is that, once you've thought enough about something and you still can't come to a conclusion, then perhaps you should just do it and then deal with the consequences. This is not to advocate stupid behavior. But I believe that most people who end up reading this (amazingly tedious) blog are mature enough to consider all possibilities (and ask everyone trustworthy around them) before they make a decision. If you have thought of everything, why not believe in your own good judgment and make a decision then stick with it and go with it?

Life is linear, yet always circular. We never repeat time, but we often repeat history. The most important thing is to remember that everyone else's history does not have to be yours and you do not have to repeat your history like other people. In the end, you hold the key to your own destiny, whether it's in a cheesecake or in the corner office of a Manhattan high-rise... the choice is yours.

The New Year was dreaded in some ways by my parents and I because it marked the start of a new life, for them and for me. However sad and scared I was, this was a decision I made for myself and something in my heart told me this was something I had to do and it was the right thing to do. And also, after having come to peace with my decision, I know that I will be back in NYC, to visit or to stay, uncertain, but there is always hope in the future. We cannot stop doing what we want to do today because of our fear for the future.

Many people have asked me why/how I decided to go back to school for TCM. Well, frankly, my decision process will probably cause people to spew blood. A random idea came to me during my travels last summer (6/09) that I wanted to do acupuncture. This was right before I picked up a piece of spare rib so I like to call it the spare rib dream. Then I found ACTCM, went to visit, and decided that I was going to apply and attend school. It was as… effortless as that. Someone told me that the path of least resistance is the best way to go - Yep.

Going back to school was a challenge for me. I’m used to the circular and relational processing mode, but albeit TCM is very much relational, first year of school is all about memorization. 361 points, ~400 herbs, human body anatomy, medical terminology… there’s just no way to get around it. But the realization that one of these days all of this will become part of me, and I will become part of it… it gives me the strength to keep on going.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Everything's a cycle."]

My school turned out to be amazing, the people, teachers, coursework, everything combined makes everyday a wonderful day. I could not have known this when I started, because I didn’t even know what I was doing. But I trusted my instincts and heart for almost the first time in my life and… well… everything started to just happen, the right way. Although I'm crazy busy... I'm also very happy.

But this all happened because, tracing my life back to that Justice card, and my initial leap of faith. Through it all, I realize that faith is only the first step, but the first step is always the most difficult. Follow your heart. It knows where to go.

And most importantly, when you’re about to make that leap, remember that NOTHING is permanent. If you make a mistake, know that you can always make amends… and if you can’t, it will come to pass. Whatever the hardship, it too shall pass.

Everyone has been telling me that once you find that special person, everything just falls into place. You don’t have to put in a lot of effort to make it work and wear yourself down, it just works somehow, and any effort that you put in and any compromises you make won’t seem to be that much of a sacrifice. It will all come very easily.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="320" caption="On my way toward you..."]

The truth is, the search/wait is for someone worthy of Me. (This "me" could be used by anyone) I know who I am. I know that I am a good person and can bring immense happiness to people. I deserve the best You.  This is not quite being self-absorbed. There's a difference between being self-confident and self-absorbed. The former requires a strong Ego controlled by the Id, and the latter by simply a strong and renewed Ego with a clear and even balance between the Id and the Super-Ego.

Of course, that said, life is just... what it will be. We never know what will happen in our lives, especially when it comes to love and relationships. A friend of mine asked me a while back that if I had to choose between a successful career or a loving husband/family, what would I choose. Without any hesitation I chose a husband (to her extreme surprise). A year ago, it may have been different. Then again, a year ago if I was asked whether or not I would want a child I would have shook my head vehemently. Now, I would answer: with the right person, yes. I can work for and attain a great career, but I can't ask destiny to grant me the perfect husband (they don't exist, btw lol). So... in comparison, we are that much more fragile when it comes to relationships.

I was talking to a friend much older and he made the comment: "what can I say. Guys are dumb. They don't know what they want." He also said that life is about choices and compromises, and that he wished he were my age again, armed with the knowledge that he has now. And I am thankful that I have already attained that knowledge.

This is from someone in his fifties with a big happy family and has probably gone through 3 successful careers (so far), so there's something interesting in that comment. Perhaps his unwillingness to compromise, no doubt due to his confidence in himself and his own brilliance had caused him to suffer some damaging loses that he could had prevented had he been willing to compromise. Everyone has a story. Listen up, guys... perhaps you should take a second look at the people around you. You always complain that you don't meet the right girl... but perhaps You are just not looking the right way. Perhaps You don't know to look the right way yet.

And so, as my search continues, I go on my merry way to continue to improve myself, so that when/if the right person comes along, I am wise enough to recognize him, brave enough to grab hold to him (much like opportunities), and good enough to keep him. May destiny help me. :)

P.s. Again, YES, I do mean a GUY. I love pretty and smart and cute girls... but not THAT way. >_< T_T X_X

有人說，每到選擇的時候，都是痛苦的。曾經，我的想法也是同樣。我甚至曾經想過，如果沒有選擇的權利，人(我)是否過得更快樂，今天的我卻改變了。我們不能讓所有人快樂，但是我們可以盡量讓自己與身邊的人更快樂。能夠選擇是一種權利，並不是所有人都能擁有的。當不好的事情發生，你可以怨天尤人，也可以嘗試去改變。當你遇上兩個你可以選擇相伴一生的人，你要想的不是如果選擇了其中一個會失去什麽，而是哪一個人更可以與你互相遷就。人生中，總會有一些時候是充滿矛盾與痛苦的。沒有人是完美的。如果你覺得有某兩個人合起來會是完美的人，或許你還沒有學會怎樣去愛。因爲愛不但是那人可以為你付出什麽，更是你能不能去包容那個人的缺點，相反亦然。

一個人，最重要的不是在今天想著以後沒有遺憾，而是今天沒有遺憾。做人做事，要對得起天地良心。如果你做每一件事情都是正面積極地去做，或許就不會有什麽失去的遺憾。

One day, when I woke up in the morning (and that's when I usually get depressed) on my little air mattress, alone in the quiet house, I was awash with a wave of fear and confusion, as well as depression. Why am I here? What the heck am I doing? Why am I doing this craziness?  I then convinced myself to calm down and reminded myself of the reason(s) I was there, doing what I was doing, against the better judgment of most of the world. I counted the blessings that I have, smiled, then I started another day.

So the next time you doubt yourself and your choices, make sure you ask yourself again and again the reasons you're doing what you are doing. If you come up with a good answer that keeps you going (e.g. to make my family happy; to feed my wife and kids; to pay the mortgage; to regain your soul; to be alive... etc.), then you can put yourself and your current situation in perspective. Life is going to be harsh sometimes. And we are not the best at digesting stress when already under high stress circumstances. But remember, there is always a choice, and sometimes it's easier than you think, as long as you are willing to make the sacrifices.

I gave up an entire life to get to where I was... and I look forward to new life everyday. That search, is destiny.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="320" caption="Choices"]

有一天，孤身在三藩市的我在考慮自己是否正在做錯的事/選擇而抓狂，還有害怕我當時的情緒以及那一刻對於將來的打算是否是「真的」，還是只是我自己胡思亂想異想天開的結果，也因為這一切一切很自惱的情緒而萬分痛苦的時候，我一位臺灣好朋友朋友說了一句：每分每刻都是「真」，動念就無需懷疑。

我好好地想了下，然後想通、想開了。生命説長可以很長，說短也可以很短， 無聊的時候可以有選擇，是一件很幸福的事情。 當你擁有這種幸福的時候反而去懷疑它，就是浪費了難得的機會，讓你自己可以選擇自己走的路。

珍惜你的幸福。我們每個人都有權利去尋找屬於自己的幸福，但是親不要懷疑他的真實性，不然幸福會傷心的。

答 案 不 只 一 個
詞 曲 / 編 曲 : 黃 韻 玲
逃避不一定躲得過　面對不一定最難受
孤單不一定不快樂　得到不一定能長久
失去不一定不再有　轉身不一定最軟弱
別急著說別無選擇別以為世上只有對與錯
許多事情的答案都不是只有一個
所以我們永遠有路可以走
你能找個理由難過也一定能找到快樂

I wrote these words probably in some burst of inspiration during my college years. I can't trace them anymore. Looking back, I realize that I understood more than what I gave myself credit for. I always knew that the person who knew the most was myself, but I never let that "self" show herself. (this will be brought up again in that Justice article)

At this moment I should be writing down the readings that I did for my friends on Monday evening, but I can't seem to get my mind pass these thoughts... so I might as well get them out of the way first.

In my life, there have been many special people, all of whom had a hand in making me who I am right now. I always thought that I was one of those who had a destiny but refused to follow it, but recently I realized that perhaps my path is just meant to be that - a path. Perhaps there's a destiny at the end, perhaps not. But along the way, there are certainly moments that will touch me, move me, create or destroy me, and in the end, become part of me. Recently my friend and I got into a discussion about legacy. What is my legacy? What part will I do for humanity? What will I be remembered for? - all questions that can potentially drive a sane person down a nutty path, let alone someone who's already been deemed by friends and foe alike to be the ultimate weirdo (moi).

So I thought about what I have done for "humanity," the parts of me that I have left with other people to make this world a better place. And it's interesting because I've had a few people tell me that I've helped them change their lives for the better. As I searched my memory, I cannot pinpoint what I had done anything intentionally to change their lives - yet, apparently lives were changed based on how I decided to act, or the person I chose to become. So, even though I have never placed the burden upon myself to change the world (ok perhaps just a little), somehow, in some minute way, I have indeed altered people's lives. Yes, we are doing that every minute of our lives, but one rarely stops what he's doing and think: oh, I think I've just helped him make a certain decision that may change his life forever. Nope, we try not to put that pressure on ourselves. But perhaps, that's our little legacy... at least that's my little legacy. I'm not brilliant, nor powerful, nor beautiful, nor courageous, nor rich (o>_<o), nor... I'm rather ordinary. So... it's amazing for me to think that, if I should disappear tomorrow, or now, there will be parts of me, of a good and kind me, of an inspiring me, of a beloved me, in the hearts of those whom I love. I remember one of my friends write that "Aka is one of those people you will never meet again." (D, if you ever read this, remind me what exactly you said...) Lol... I wasn't quite sure if that was a good thing or not... but I was actually flattered. Yes, there is only one Aka, and this is what Aka chose. YOU are who Aka chose. And the same goes for every single unique individual out there fortunate enough to have the resources to read this post - YOU choose...

That's why I know, no matter how many bookmarks I have on suicide (I used to have a folder... until it recently mysteriously disappeared), no matter how dark the depths my mind may lead me to, no matter how difficult and foggy my future may seem, and no matter what I claim... yes, I still have faith in humanity, and included as a very small part of humanity - myself. I have faith in our ability to adapt, our need to relate, and our will to live. And (lol), should you assume yourself to be a rational being - the categorical imperative.

Another thing that I've learned since then -if you like him, let him know. if you hate him, let him go. if you need him, tell him so. if you love him, keep him close. (*pronouns may be changed) It'll make both you and the other person that much happier, no matter what the outcome may be.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="280" caption="Perspective"]

you gave me a feather
and i learned to fly
if i should disappear tomorrow
please don't deem me unkind
though i never said i love you
even as i look from behind
our hours our minutes our seconds
i'll always play in rewind
when i leave you
don't cry don't cry don't cry
because i know you'll see i promise
that i'm always by your side.