Notes of a Desolate Libra

The night before I left NYC, Jack (my computer guru) came to deliver a cheesecake to me. Cooking (mostly desserts or baking) has become his recent (ongoing) hobby. He had asked for a review of his cheesecake, but I’ll do slightly more than that.

His cheesecake was excellent. Except for that fact that it was a bit soggy from having been carried around for quite a few hours (NJ->Manhattan->Brooklyn). Of course, by this point you’re wondering what computer guru has to do with cheesecake. Well, all of us have hobbies. Some of us have hobbies that we really love but that we keep as “hobbies” instead of actually pursuing them as a career because we do not think it’s feasible. While I don't necessarily think Jack's cooking hobby is something he should pursue as a career, I think that he should not dismiss the idea. Anything is possible. And when we look back in life, it's the most wonderful thing to see that you have made the impossible possible.

We are always looking for ways to realize our dreams... but there are obstacles that perhaps we don't even see. The other day I got a copy of The Alchemist entirely by accident (as my housemate called it: it's a gift from the Universe) so I'’ll use Paul Coelho’s intro to his book, as a guide for this post.

He mentions in the intro that there are four things between us and our Personal Legend, in this order:
1. Being conditioned since childhood into believing that what we want to do is not possible
2. We don’t want to hurt others by pursuing our dreams
3. Fear of defeats we shall most definitely encounter on the way
4. Fear of realizing our dreams (and consequently sabotaging our dreams so that they would never come true)

Having personally walked through each of those steps, I had a knowing smile of understanding when I read the book, which is amazing, btw.

Having been raised in a Chinese family, I was expected to: 1) get a stable job and stay with it; 2) get married by 25; 3) have children by 30; and 4) stay put and raise a family. Although I do not dismiss the importance of these things in life, I have done none of the above and am quite successful (@ least in my own terms) and happy. But having to convince myself that I did not have to walk that set path was not easy. I had never been a conventional person, but I grew up having these "points" drilled into my brain and it's been a constant struggle against them (b/c by nature I am not inclined to go this path). For those who are still struggling to get out of this stage, believe in your own strength and that even if you fail, there is a way back.

Then, I came upon the stage of having to leave my protective shell, which my friends and family have built around me. At the same time that I lose their protection, they probably felt a sense of abandonment - I had left them. Knowing this, it was extremely difficult for me to leave NYC, which had everything I had known and loved. I did not want to hurt them or have them feel that I did not love them (it didn't help that my mother was doing tons of guilt-tripping). But at the same time that this is fear of hurting them, it is equally our fear of losing them and their protection. It's for their benefit and ours. There's nothing wrong with this struggle. And if you decide to give up because the fear of hurting them is so great, at least you know that you're well loved. However, if you want to take the risk, and you are in this stage, remember that those who truly love you will always love you, and even if you fail at your dream, when you return, they will still welcome you home with open arms.

Fear of the difficulties is fully understandable, but also one of the easiest to overcome because it does not involve the decision of "choosing who you want to become." If you have the strength of mind to overcome the previous two, just think back to the incredible strength you displayed in having defied your entire upbringing and also stepping out of your comfort zone, and it is not too difficult get through this stage. As the Alchemist says, "the fear of suffering is much worse than the suffering itself."

And finally, there is the incredible fact that we actually do have the urge/tendency to destroy our own dreams when we are just one step away from it. Why? Perhaps we're afraid of beyond our dreams. What if we can't achieve it? What if we no longer have a goal after we realize our dream? What if...

Too much thinking, not enough doing. One thing I have been advocating is that, once you've thought enough about something and you still can't come to a conclusion, then perhaps you should just do it and then deal with the consequences. This is not to advocate stupid behavior. But I believe that most people who end up reading this (amazingly tedious) blog are mature enough to consider all possibilities (and ask everyone trustworthy around them) before they make a decision. If you have thought of everything, why not believe in your own good judgment and make a decision then stick with it and go with it?

Life is linear, yet always circular. We never repeat time, but we often repeat history. The most important thing is to remember that everyone else's history does not have to be yours and you do not have to repeat your history like other people. In the end, you hold the key to your own destiny, whether it's in a cheesecake or in the corner office of a Manhattan high-rise... the choice is yours.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="240" caption="Seeking serenity."]

My dad's car has been examined by the other car owner's insurance company. Well, at least that's done for now. The rest of it is out of our hands. We no longer have a car, but I'd like to think that it's for a reason.

My mom was finally released from the hospital the day before Thanksgiving after spending almost a month in there. I can't even imagine how much pain and suffering she went through. For these weeks, the only time the family was able to be together was if my dad and I happened to be at the hospital at the same time. We tried to stagger our visits so she can have company for more times during the day. Her hospital experience warrants another post, but I'll write that one if I have the energy.

My low blood pressure issue is finally under control so I don't feel like I'm about to fall over anymore. However, a few times this month I totally lost the peace and calm that I felt earlier. I always that you couldn't lose it once you had it, like learning to ride a bicycle or swim... but I was wrong. The stress, lack of sleep, and overload of life just took over and I had a few flip outs. But it was a good lesson for me. I know I have much to learn... and to always be vigilant... because no, I am not immune to everything.

Let's all look forward to a better end of the year and a new year with new blessings.

It's been a while since I sat myself down and really thought up a writing project that I want to dedicate myself to. One reason is that I know there are too many and I would just overwhelm myself.

However, I have always known that I want to write a series of articles for my friends and family, whom I adore. There are certain moments in memory that stay with you for a long long time, and it's those times that make your life seem so special. That's why I want to dedicate this series to the people I love. I am determined to write down snippets of my life in which they have participated so that many many years later, when I look back, or when they look back, we can savor these moments again, vividly, and know that they will stay with us forever.

The people who shall appear may be relatives, friends, or just random people, people who are still here or have passed on. The Dear You series is just my way of telling them how special they are. For those who will never be able to read these entries (e.g. Bubby, my grandpas), I still hope that somehow, by writing these words down, by having you read them, that my thoughts will be passed on to them.

So, hello. And see you soon.

My grandfather passed away two weeks ago. Even at that time, my mom had been sick for a while, so she was not able to return to China to attend the funeral.

After an unpleasant episode with some friends on Halloween, I woke up on marathon day to get news that my mom might need to go to the hospital. After sending a message to my friend letting her know that I would not be present to congratulate her on completing the marathon, my mom decided to go on a different medication  to avoid the hospital and then kicked me out the door.

Less than an hour or so after meeting up with friends at the marathon, I got a call from mom that my dad was in a car accident. Fortunately, everyone in both vehicles was ok (the other car ran a stop sign and my dad, not being able to break in time, ran into them. Mind you, this was a 90+ year old couple, and the granny was driving. Then they claimed they were too old to wait, then drove off. Yeesh. These old grannies are scary. So now the car is officially undrivable.

The next day, my mom finally checked herself into the hospital to avoid having to call an ambulance when symptoms got worse because our local zoned hospital is... er... a hell hole. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, our hospital are actually in pretty bad shape. The same day, I somehow lost my planner, which lets me sort out my stupidly cramped schedule, and that put me into another frenzy.

During this whole period, I've been having some (more than usual) low blood pressure issues. Either I wake up in the morning very dizzy and seeing stars and the world spinning, or like this morning, with limbs all tingly and unable to move. But then two hectic phone calls came from aunts who called the hospital while my mom was having severe chills (bordering on seizure), were freaked out, and told me to get there asap. So I dragged myself out of bed, got to the hospital without falling into the subway tracks, and after helping my dad "ice down" my mom's temperature (interesting how you go back to the good old "ice in rubber gloves" method despite being  in a modern hospital), persuaded him to go home to get some rest and food, chatted up the nurses (and left my info all around), peeled an apple (I had been told that if I ever became jobless I can be a professional apple peeler... lol), called aunts to calm them down and tell them not to go to the hospital lest they catch something and pass it to their families... and left.

Within an hour after I left I get more calls from mom complaining about the hospital and that she wants to switch hospitals (because, of course, she spoke to "knowledgeable people", i.e. her hospital roommate's kids) despite being happy with this particular one the day before (b/c they had good food and Chinese speaking doctors). So I called and spoke with her PCP and her physician in charge at the hospital, then persuaded her to stay for at least for one more day for the specialists to come in and check her condition.

Then it was time to wrestle with the police station bureaucracy for the report for my dad's car accident, which was finally ready and we'll pick up tomorrow. This was when my coworker suggested maybe I should go see a therapist. ^^; But... I'm trying to hold on to my zen... so that I don't actually have to end up going to a therapist.

November has proven to be rather the testing month for me. Last year I had surgery and had my heart broken and almost went insane. This year... well... yea.... The most important lesson I've learned this past year is that when there seems to be no end to shit in sight, just "toughen up" and take it one thing at a time. There's no point to thinking about it all or mulling over things.  *Overthinking* is usually what's damaging to one's spirit. However, checking with yourself emotionally is good from time to time too. And at least I have more tools this time around to deal. It's important to remember to not chase yourself into a chasm of depression.

Life will always throw you these curve balls. It's really about how good your skills are at handling them. I see this as a test for putting everything I've learned, especially in the past year, to use. Car not drivable? Well, it was a crappy car and I don't want my dad driving anyway. Lost planner? Maybe it's time to migrate to online one (it was a bit ridiculous to have 2 planners and 2 to-do lists anyway). And mom's condition? Well thank goodness I'm here...

And I also appreciate all the support from friends. Thank you all. So far, I'm ok.

My friends Di and Alex got a farm in Prince Edward County with their two horses (Tianxia and baby) and I've been trying forever to visit them. Finally, I figured out that I would visit them before I go back to New York and also drop by the Toronto IWTA branch (with the amazing Sifu Carson Lau) for a visit and a little bit of WingTsun training.

What awaited me was a group of super nice WT students (and instructors), my two awesome (though elitist - lol) friends, tons of good  food, a farm-full of animals, and a WHOLE LOAD OF HAY!

Training in Toronto was great. The school setup and training program seems to be very different than what I am used to in NY or even CA. Everyone runs around and finds something then starts to beat each other up...  I mean... train very enthusiastically. Sifu Lau was super nice (as always) and showed me around as well as introduced some of his students to me. Unfortunately I was only able to train for one day, but I hope to return to train again or at least take a seminar with Sifu Lau!

Alex and Di's farm was 50 acres... I don't think I've seen that much LAND belonging to one person (that I know of) for a long time. Hay season was basically over but unfortunately they'd had some bad luck with farm equipment so I ended up helping them hay part of the field (very small part). It was quite a marvelous experience. I also got to (sort of) throw the bales of hay to the horses. By the time I left there, I was TOTALLY in love with Tianxia (oh be still my heart~).

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Oh Sunny Days~"]

They also had7 (8?) Chinchillas (yea a week later I didn't remember ANY of the names except Leonidis - THIS IS SPARTA! - ok I'm a dork) and a whole load of other animal/insect guests. Di also stuffed me with her delicious/unbeatable homemade food (which probably is why I gained so much weight >_<) and introduced me to her vegetable, herb, and fruit gardens. Ah the life of a farm. We were picking our own salads (in the backyard) and I drank fresh pressed cherry juice.

Di and Alex and I met in my early college days... through a rather interesting event. The first time I heard of Di was when I was told "Di's having a shower with Kenshin." Naturally... I flipped out (so I had a little crush on Kenshin. Who didn't!?). Then it turned out that someone splashed some sauce on Kenshin (short for: the Rurouni Kenshin wall scroll) and she was washing it out. I think that sealed our fates and we've been friends since (Alex is a tack-on and the person who turned me into an alcoholic for a while in my college years :p). They are some of the most resourceful and interesting people I know... despite that they made me SLAVE on their farm!

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="320" caption="Sunset on the farm (over moo moos)"]

I think that experience on a farm is something everyone should have at least once in their life. It's very different (no kidding) from the city and also different from suburban life. It's quiet, serene, and sometimes offers you pleasant (and some not so pleasant) surprises. Like Di said, she could see the entire Milky Way in winter time and sometimes read a book under the full moon. How could you not appreciate life when you have all this beauty around you?

Other memorable experiences include:

1) Xinjiang restaurant - OMG!!! I've NEVER had Xinjiang cuisine but this is SO good! I'm generally not a huge fan of strong tasting and super meaty dishes, but I think the skewers (with the massive amounts of meat) were some of the BEST I ever had! They were spicy so I was half tearing, but I ordered seconds!
2) YMCA - I don't think I've been to any YMCA as... well... upscale as the one that they took me to. I am not sure if they're all like that in Canada, but I certain had fun the two times I was there, taking full advantage (sort of) of their beautiful Olympic size pool, sauna rooms, and spacy and clean showers.
3) Rental cars are mostly in RED... WHY!? Oh... right... national color...
4) There's nothing like seeing the sunrise/moonrise/sunset on a farm... and I CAN SEE THE MOON AND STARS CLEARLY!!! (ahem...)
5) Farmers are legally allowed to shot anything on their perimeters! (yes, I played with the gun xD)
6) Hanging out with the neighbor's cows (a.k.a. moo-moos).

Our relationship is a testament to and evidence that friendships between male and female DO exist (although I think *I* exist as a good piece of evidence already since a LOT of my very good friends are guys - Libra trait?). Although sometimes I am concerned that his wife would over think his being so kind to me. History is history, what matters is that we survived and so did our friendship. And now we both know our paths and are ready for the future, and know that we  have eachother's support.

Old Town really wasn't all that. Of course, there were a lot of nice Mexican restaurants but I wasn't sure how Mexican food would agree with my stomach so I stayed away from them. I got myself lost in downtown San Diego looking for the Amtrak station and ended up walking under the scorching sun to find it. Despite it all, I found downtown SD rather interesting, with plenty of activity and lots of tourists (not to mention tons of Comic Con banners). Although I had the same issue with people not knowing directions. (What's UP with these Californians!?)

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="192" caption="What a cutie!"]

John and his family as well as some friends were making a trip to Las Vegas so I decided to tag along. LV was rather amusing. We barely went out because the temperature there was just a BAD JOKE. It was so hot that we felt like we were in an oven for all of the 3 minutes that we were outside. Even the wind was oppressively hot.

John was there for a family event, which ended up to be rather... messy and I took up the task of babysitting his beautiful Ju-chan (Julia) for the entire night so he and his wife could go about cleaning up the mess. She is probably one of the (if not THE) BEST babies I've ever met and that's a LOT coming from me. A happy baby is a good baby and she certainly was a very happy baby. I couldn't stop telling John how lucky he is to be blessed with such a wonderful baby. We (Ju-chan and I) almost became best friends by the end of the night and I do so miss her adorable smile.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="210" caption="Watch (or listen to) the clock!"]

Since I know I have no gambling luck, my main focus was finding good food to eat. We saw so many Wolfgang Puck (ate at Spago) restaurants there, among other great restaurants. The most amazing and wonderful thing was that the guys (the girl's didn't gamble) donated all of their winnings to treating all of us to dinner so I ended up with quite a few free (AND GOOD) meals. The funniest thing was that at Payard, there was a grandfather clock that would spit out tiny packages of chocolate truffles every 15 minutes or so. We were standing guard around the clock and every time it rang we rushed to get the package. Between the 7 of us (including Ju-chan) we managed to get 7-8 chocolates... and there were only 3 windows where the chocolates would come out! (you see how diligently we were watching the clock) We even ran for the clock while we were sitting elsewhere eating our lovely desserts.

It was certainly a memorable trip and I even got a 20" monitor out of it (bless you, John) so my eyes don't have to die from staring at 10" Spockie all the time.

To top it all off, I managed to get all my luggage on the flight as carry on... yes... I'm good.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="Guess where I'm hiding the monitor?"]

My trip to Irvine was to only visit my friend Chian and her family. She moved to Irvine about 2 years ago and I hadn't seen her for about 2 years before that so it's been a while. But you know what they say about true friendships, no matter how far/long apart you are, you just need to see each other and it's as if nothing has changed... except now little Evan 小魚 is a cute mini heartthrob (his dad claims he takes after him...)! He's so popular that girls in the class drag him to corners (THEY'RE FIVE!!!) and try to kiss him and claim him to be their boyfriend... what the... but if 小魚 is anything like his namesake 江小魚 from 絕代雙驕 (sometimes I think his dad gets a kick out of being able to nickname his kid after a 武俠小説 character...), he's definitely got a bright future ahead of him (in more ways than one...).

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="In their beautiful house."]

It really makes me so happy that Chian and Gary are doing so well. We each have our own paths. They gave up a lot to move down to Cali and now it's proven that their decision was correct. When I got off the train and saw 小黑魚 there, watching the trains quietly, my jaw dropped - Evan is so big now! It really amazed me since the last time I saw him he was still crawling around.

Irvine actually is a lovely place... except for the fact that it's so hot during the day (like Oregon) that we didn't dare go out until late afternoon. When I got there I was really pale (which is normal for me, even the beach @ LA didn't change that), and when I left I was "hazelnut" bordering on "chocolate". Of course, that had to do with me trying to learn how to swim in their community pool everyday. The water in my ears drove me nuts, but I actually think I can swim a little now (gave up on freestyle for now, going for breast stroke, which is much easier).

Irvine itself is filled with very affluent people so everything is very well taken care of. The food is pretty cheap but living there (buying, renting) is really expensive. There are a lot of Asians there so I got to eat my beloved icies everyday. Chian and Gary were kind enough to indulge me. There's also a point where you can see the fireworks from Disney everyday (didn't get to go because of time), since it's relatively close to Anaheim. I had a great time and would definitely go back if I get a chance (I'd rather come here than go to LA). Well... of course there's also the fact that little Evan stole my heart. :)

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="243" caption="跟他爸一個模子裏出來的..."]

以下是給小魚的：

小魚語錄：
1）媽媽問：小魚，你要叫姐姐還是阿姨呢？
答：她明明就是姐姐。（你這討人喜歡的小壞蛋）
2）媽媽問：小魚，你要不要親姐姐？（親的是手哦！）
答（轉過頭，裝害羞）：姐姐，我能親你嗎？（真是的，什麽都行！）
3）媽媽問：小魚，你教姐姐游泳好嗎？
答：嗯！姐姐！不要怕哦！我很厲害的。我會教你的。有什麽你就記得叫我，我就在這邊。你要這樣游哦，你的手這樣這樣擺... （以下省略737449895字）（唉，小魚，你不用那麽臭屁也很是可愛的）
4）媽媽問：小魚，你喜歡姐姐嗎？
答：不可能不喜歡。（天啊！我的心就這樣被一個五歲小孩偷走了！）
5）媽媽問：小魚，你想姐姐再來嗎？
答：當然想。（就沖你這一句，我很快就回來了！）

可愛的小魚啊，Aka姐姐要告訴你，你爸爸媽媽爲了你，經歷了很多很多你所想象不到的煎熬哦~你是一個很好的孩子，你要明白他們的苦心，要好好孝順啊。就算他們不要求什麽，你也要知道，爸媽心裏最重要的，就是你。你能好好地、健康地、開心地長大，就是報答他們最好的辦法了。

Come to think of it... I have more and more friends that I can say I have known for over 10 years... and they're still very good friends... I am very thankful.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="Through the smog, over the power lines."]

Some of you may remember that I moved to LA a few years back. I hated it and therefore any thought of going back really made me rather sick to the stomach. However, this time Marri lived in a different area (before it was downtown Hollywood... yea), Venice Beach, and I really must say Venice beach area is quite nice, with its boardwalk and shops. I also went to tea house and wine bars around the area and felt right at home. A place in LA I don't hate! Go figure...

We went to yoga (!?) and had some tea, played guitar hero and spent a nice day on the beach. I was very happy to spend some quiet time with one of my favorite gals. A lot of things may be different, but at least we are still good friends and getting through them...

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Feeding the bunnies Strawbaby ice bar."]

The sad part was that Little Bunny wasn't as active as before. She used to be quite the energetic one, but now she was just plain grumpy and guarded. I think back to the days when she would run around the room (chased by me) and grunt her displeasure at me. Now she would barely leave her cage.

The one thing that Marri and I tried not to mention was Bubbles. Neither of us have really let go of him and it was difficult just being there and not being able to see him. I would linger in front of his pictures and think about the sweet little one.

Dear Bubbles: You're always in our thoughts. We will always love you.

Not saying that I'm the most wonderful person in the world, but I know that I give my heart to all the people I consider my friends and love ones. That's how I slowly (and painfully) came to understand that whoever spurns my love and friendship, it's their loss. Really, this is not my ego speaking (*cough*). This roots from a deep understanding of myself. It's only from knowing yourself and how much you can give people that you truly come to realize who you are (on your own or in relation to others) and understand/accept your own worth. After all, if you don't know how much you can give, you are often unable to give it or you overdo it to the point of exhaustion, as was my case. The happy thing is, I realized - the more you give, you the move you have to give. Yep, love and friendship is just such a lovely thing.

2008 was a very special year for me. It was one of the first times I really started to depend and rely on my friends. One of them whom I see as a sister said "I know you like to help and give to people. But it runs both ways. It's only when you allow them to help YOU when you're in need that they truly feel their worth as your friend." In this year, I had friends I met for the first time in real life take me around TW; friends who told me that they regularly talk about chopping me in half so they can each take half (um, bad deal for me); friends who lent me a willing shoulder when I experienced the most traumatic emotional event since the passing of my grandfather; friends who called and texted and sent presents when I was suffering my illness; friends who spent countless hours helping me put my life back together; friends who took care of me; friends who protected me.... Guys and girls, young and old, long and short.

Many people say that as you get older, your selection of friends get smaller. For me, it's the contrary. Of course, one or two close, good friends are better than crowds of acquaintances. But I realized that through the years, all the friendship and love that I have freely given actually pay back. I never hope for such a thing. After all, if you give with the intention of getting something back, it's not true giving. But when you give, and you DO get something in return, it's a feeling so warm and filling that makes you swell up with pride in your friends and yourself, and hope in life and humanity. I can't start to count the number of friends that I have (and had a rough time dealing with it while planning "farewell gatherings"), but I am comforted by the knowledge that they are here, and always will be.

I think that's why I get to keep up my spunky spirit (or as my ge said, my cheekiness). It's because all of you, my dear friends (and family), spoil me rotten. You let me know that by just being myself, all of you will love me as you do now. This energy keeps me young, and it keeps me moving. Thank you, my friends. And know that I'll always love you all~

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="268" caption="My Heart to Yours"]