Notes of a Desolate Libra

Since I have Google Analytics installed on my website, I've had the pleasure of checking out how (with what keywords) people are finding me on the internet. Some of the queries really boggles my mind…

1. Sze Kwan Chan Birthday: What!? Why is someone searching on the internet for my birthday!?
2. charles denner and the pentacle of eternal wealth: HUH!??!?!? How do these keyword things work!?
3. chou yun fat – very nice: I know he’s very nice… but the only thing I have on Chow Yun Fat is my little rant on Curse of the Golden Flower. The visitor must have been disappointed.
4. faye wong mbt: Ok, Faye Wong I understand… but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of her wearing MBTs… er???
5. libra not happy: I’m sorry… but actually I’m quite a happy Libra…
6. miss you smelly memories even more nauseating than the heart hei hei yo: HUH!? WHAT!?
7. 洗腦中 translate: Um… “in the midst of being brainwashed”?!
8. you create happiness from the injury created by me中文意思: 從我給予你的傷害中，你創造了快樂……?
9. toilet slave eat shit: Argh...
10. are libra people crazy: Um... I would go into a LONG explanation about this but I'm not sure everyone's interested in more praising of Libra... the short answer is - Yes, we are crazy, but we are crazy in a way that makes the world a better place. :)

There were other really funny ones in the past that I didn’t document… but sometimes they make my day! Of course, I’m the happiest when people find me through looking for translations of stuff on my site, especially of Xi Murong. :) I'm even happier when they spend more than 0:00 seconds on my site! :p The amazing thing is that I found my site to be one of the first ones to come up on all of the major search engines (Google, Bing, Baidu) for people searching for translations of her poetry. I have to say though, Google, get with it! I'm #1 with Bing and #2 with Baidu!!! >_
This also has inspired an idea to start a "translation request" section... let me mull over it...

However, this particular pairing has a problem – Libra, the scales, is always going in and out of balance. Pisces, with the two fish, like to move in different directions. Worse – they’re completely different signs. One shines outward and one delves inward. With the increasing influence of my Rising, however, the Pisces Moon is exerting much less influence now than when I was young (I used to be REALLY double-sided when I was much younger, going from extreme highs to extreme lows, and I never really understood it then). A classmate (and fellow mystic art enthusiast) jokingly said that all I need is a Gemini (the twins with split personalities) to complete the picture of duality. Unfortunately, I don’t have a Gemini in my Planets or Houses.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="360" caption="Duality."]

Having so much duality presents me with the problem of going back and forth on everything. The fortunate thing is that I have found ways to overcome my own downfalls after I became cognisant of them. However, another issue is that it seems Libra Sun + Pisces Moon makes you absolutely oblivious to displays of interest. This is interesting for all of those with this pairing. You have an uncanny ability to understand and empathize with others, but somehow are incredibly dense when it comes to your own feelings. I’ve given it some thought due to hard lessons learned in the past, and have come to the conclusion that perhaps because Libras are naturally outgoing (some say it’s the most flirty of signs, though I disagree, because I don’t consider being friendly and true to one’s Libra self “flirty” – this is such a troublesome social construction) so they attract tons attention and affection (or raised eyebrows on occasion). Normally Libras would be gleefully soaking in the attention and interest, but since Pisces is not used to all the attention and doesn’t really like it, whenever it detects (it *is* the most sensitive of signs) anything, it immediately shrinks inward and hides its true emotions, putting up a screen of obliviousness between the individual’s emotions and conscious thoughts.

I think the way to overcome it is to be more aware of your surroundings and be able to accept them for what they truly are. I’m still learning that (attempts do not mean success, but at least it's a honest attempt) It’s not so much that I’m concerned about the relationship aspect of it (though it’s rather funny to find out years later about crushes people had on you) as that I need to know my own feelings before I can make a sensible decision.

So Libras, remember you do have weaknesses (this “duality” in particular) but if you overcome them, you will be nearly invincible! (I say nearly because you still have a weakness for food, among other things… lol)

I think it's interesting how many people feel that guys and girls cannot be friends. There are only two sexes on this planet, and we can't be friends? Isn't that kind of wasteful?

The other day, on facebook, I saw a friend re-post his friend's note about how in every man's life there is a woman that he can never be with but the two can share many parts of their lives as well as be best friends, even with the other has found a partner. They will support each other to the end, without asking to be anything more than a friend. Easily said, but I sense ruefulness between the lines. The speaker WISHED he/she could be something more to the other person.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="Friends? Lovers? Enemies?"]

I have also been told that if a guy wants to be friends with you, it's generally only because he's interested in you. Even if it doesn't start that way, they always develop interest in you. And when they lose interest, then the relationship ends. Thus, men and women cannot JUST be friends. They always want something extra, something more from the other person.

But being a hard core Libra, I have the need to treat all equally and fairly, male or female. In that case, why can't I be friends with both male and female? Gender aside, we're all just human, no? Don't we always SAY that we WANT to be treated equally? Well, I know, being a hypocrite is human nature, but let's not blame too much on nature and throw our hands in the air.

I always joke about how I exist to disprove this theory that guys and girls can't be friends, because my number of guy and girl friends are about equal. This doesn't mean that during the time of the friendship, the two couldn't have felt something romantic for each other, but you get pass it and then discover the other person for just a good "mind" or "person" and not reduced to a "male" or "female." Though I admit, maybe it's easier for some types of personalities.

True, Mars and Venus couldn't get along. But that's because they were Greek Gods (in their Roman names) and they were married - major case for drama. It doesn't always have to be that way. Yes, we are man or woman, but that's does not define who we are, at least not if you don't want it to. Similarly, it shouldn't be the defining factor of what gender the other person is. There must be some sort of attraction for people to want to be friends, perhaps I am naive, but I still believe that we can respect and love others just for who they are, and not what we want from them.

So the point is… no matter how good looking someone is, what's inside counts much more in the long run. You can drool and whimper about how beautiful/handsome/hot someone is, but if you can’t have a decent conversation with this person… it’s still a drag, especially if you have to (want to) spend an extensive amount of time with this person.

For those who have both beauty and brains~ trust me, you are blessed. Enjoy it and be thankful! :) And this may have been my most politically incorrect post ever... :p Don't burn me!

Yes, I'm headed back to New York City for at least 3 months, September-December. I have yet to decide whether I want to spend Christmas and New Years in New York or in SF area (probably down to SoCal with friends if I come back to CA). But that's for another day.

When I left my old company on a LoA (it'd have been more problematic if I told them straight out that I was leaving), I brought in a friend to take over my position. The plan was that when I inform my ex-bosses that I was not going return to the company, he would permanently take over. It's a win-win situation on all fronts.

But recently, my friend found a good internship opportunity that will span 3 months (Sept-Dec). Problem is, the company cannot wait for him for 3 months so he would end up jobless when he comes out of the internship, which is rather undesirable in this abysmal economy.

Being the one who always tries to find a solution where everyone benefits or at least suffers the least damage (yep, Libra), I came up with a strange plan... strange, but awesome if it worked: I would return to NYC and replace him at my old job for 3 months.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="240" caption="Look around you."]

This way:
1) I can make some money before school (which could start in Oct or Jan, and this gives me more time to prepare for it) AND take WingTsun lessons from Sifu (YAY).
2) Sifu will get some front end help (if he needs it) because he's expecting to be shorthanded come Sept.
3) My friend would have a job to return to.
4) There's no disruption to work and my ex-bosses don't need to spend money, time, and effort finding someone who may or may not be trustworthy.

There was the issue of my roomshare - I would have to leave it empty and pay rent for 3 months for a room I'm not using.

Incidentally, I have been in contact with another girl who is trying to move from NYC to SF (like myself) and I thought, why not ask if she's interested in subletting my roomshare for the time that I'd be in NYC? It'd be good for her to have a friendly place to stay and really try out the city.

5) Apparently it was a good turn of events for her too.

So in the end, if everything works according to plan, 5 parties would benefit from this arrangement (not counting my parents and friends in NYC whom, I assume (lol), would be happy to see me before I implant myself semi-permanently in SF for school).

It just happened that this time everything fell into place. Sometimes I feel like there are always options and the solution is there, but we just fail to grasp/grab it. But when you're ready, things will fall into place.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="WT RULES!"]

There were a lot of lucky coincidences in this matter, but there were a lot of conditions, were they not mature, things would not have happened the same way. What if she wasn't ready to move or I didn't ask her? What if my boss wanted to hire someone entirely new? What if my school only opened admissions once a year? What if I had already committed myself to a job? What if...

I think in the end you should always prepare yourself and be ready to accept/work with all the opportunities that come your way. They may not come for days, months, or even years. But if you're not ready for them, you will miss out on them when they do come along. The best thing is that the planning and personal development that you put into preparing are rewarding in themselves.

On top of that, I'm visiting Alex&Di in Canada for a few days and decided I would drop by and train with Sifu Carson Lau's WT school in Richmond Hill for a day. Turned out that there will be a web channel interview on that day so I get to see a lot of cameras and WT demonstrations! WHOO HOO! (<-total geek when it comes to certain things...)

Of course... before all of this, I am still going on my trip to Yosemite, Lake Mono and Bodie.

So there... my latest... Run.

Libras have a strong sense of the individual but are not individualists. They love community but do not blend themselves into everyone else. They just have... "personality," but are not too obnoxious/loud about it.

You may never see the core of a Libra, but that's how they can keep balance. Most people just can't accept that they cannot possess a Libra's heart in entirety... but it's only because they are straightforward that you know there's a part that they do not/cannot show you. They do not like to hide/keep secrets - not in their nature, they're too lazy (that's their motto).

Their spirits soar high, but their hearts are constant. This means that if they love you, they really do love you. You are a permanent resident in their hearts. They may run off far away once in a while, but really, please believe that they still love you and will come back to you. Unfortunately, many people do not understand this and choose to abandon Libras first. Libras generally handle heartache pretty well, but that's because they spend their entire being on balancing themselves so they do not affect others. It's usually a pleasure to hang out with Libras because they try not to let their internal emotional balance work affect you.

Libras are not flaky; they always carry things through to the end, even if that's not the same end they expected; they always keep their promises, even if it takes a little while for them to get around to it.

Libras love to travel and try new things (that replenishes their life force), but they always know what the important things are to them and certain bottom lines would never be crossed.

It's true, you may feel like you could never see the true heart of a Libra, but that's because it's so simple that you may not even recognize it even if it were laid out in front of you. Libras are strange creatures. You give them something and they will know to return in equal or more, but they only ask that you do not try to own them.

If you can accept all that, if you can love a Libra, then I assure you, you will be one of the luckiest man/woman. Most people don't, which is why according to statistics Libras are (apparently) usually the last be married out of the twelve astrological signs, even though it would seem they should be the first to be married off because of their outgoing and pleasant personalities and overall qualities. Figures.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Can you see my true face? It's right *there*."]

*I apologize if it seems oddly self-serving for me to be writing this since, obviously, I'm a Libra. But really, everything is from my heart. For you people who can't see it. PUH! Don't think Libras can't get hurt/are cold! :p

Duh.

Leaving my family, friends and beloved New York City behind and heading to a new city with the plan to settle in/down is not the easiest thing to do... especially when I don't have a cushion like school or job. I've been running around like a mad-woman trying to see everyone (and still didn't get to see all of my friends >_<) and getting everything together (somehow I managed - or will have to manage - to fit everything that I'm bringing into 1 suitcase, 1 carry-on, and 1 bookbag).

My life, in one suitcase, 1 carry-on, and 1 bookbag. Until I figure out what else I need.

But the most important things, the things that I value the most, I cannot take with me. Rather, they are always with me. I really liked what was said in the previous post about Libra: Libras may not contact you for a year, but when he/she sees you after that year, you're still his/her best friend. That's how Libras operate. So no, we never forget. You may think that we have forgotten because we're not always around, but we do not forget.

I love New York. Most of my most beloved people are in NY. NY life suits me. I know I'll be back. But for now... for my fleeting (yes precious) dreams and search, I'll put down caution for adventure adventure - I shall walking the Fool's Journey, for whatever it may hold.

Recently my friend Selina sent me a link to a site with horoscope analysis and I found the description of Libras amazing accurate. A lot of people deny the relevancy of horoscopes, but I believe that anything that has lasted through the thousands of years of history must have some validity to it. Here is what they wrote about Libras. If you follow the link to the source post in Libras, you'll also find analysis on the other horoscopes as well. You know best if they're accurate or not.

That said, I still have to say, Libras sometimes do enjoy company, because other people tend to bring surprises to their lives because that keeps life interesting:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="The "C"*"]

Source: http://blog.udn.com/m208025/2163560

優雅的天秤在燈紅酒綠中微笑轉身，顧盼神采，灑脫如同水中的魚。他們與紅酒，水晶杯，晚禮服，鋼琴曲是那麼的相得益彰，漫不經意的吸引著公眾的眼光……
幾乎所有人都有這樣一種印象：
天秤座的人善意、可親，愛交朋友。於是大家也由此認為天秤是群居生物，必然是害怕獨處，喜歡熱鬧的。

但，事實並不是表面看來那樣簡單。
的確，天秤是個和平使者。在公眾場合可以很好地調節氣氛使之均衡。氣氛熱烈時，他們會沉靜的壓住陣腳；氣氛冷凝時，他們會運用不著痕跡的輕鬆幽默化解堅冰。總之他們不會隨波逐流去助長氣氛的冷熱，而是像用天秤稱量物品一樣，加減砝碼，使之維持水平狀態。 

而他們在做這種加減的時候，動作是優雅的，態度是和悅的，看起來漫不經心不動聲色。實際上，他們是很有心計的人，儘管眾口難調，也可以找到一種萬全的方式來使全局和諧起來。
但是這並不是說他們喜歡主宰，只是因為他們看不得失衡，那會使他們如坐針氈。
因此，儘管慵懶的天秤座討厭麻煩，討厭得要命，他們還是會不由自主地擔負起調節的責任。也許正因如此，使得天平在公眾場合從未放鬆過自己。性格使他們承擔了不必要的責任，無可推卸。 

他們不吝惜金錢，卻吝惜自由的時間和安靜的休閒時光。像所有風向星座一樣，他們喜歡自由，喜歡像風一樣誰也捉不住他。
他們喜歡自在獨立的空間。就算你是他最好的朋友，也不要老和他粘在一起，你要知道他並不喜歡如此，儘管他不會直接說出來。你也得相信，你的天秤座朋友也許半年也沒有音信，但是只要一見面，你還是他最好的朋友。因為他就是這種交友方式，你拿他怎麼辦？ 

"我懶得……"
這是天秤座的口頭語。他們懶得出門，懶得聚會，懶得應酬……所以他們並不是很喜歡參加party。倒是寧願呆在家裡上網，看書，畫畫。他們自身是均衡的，一個人的均衡總比一群人的均衡來的容易。所以他們喜歡獨處。 

通常，天秤座的人會給人一見如故的感覺，因為他們有著溫婉的微笑和優雅的舉止。對初次見面的人，天秤座往往表現出自己最討人喜歡的一面：善解人意，大方，誠懇，健談。但是這種熱情勁兒不會長久。冷漠何時到來取決於你與他交往的頻率。你越是粘得緊，他就冷得越快。因為他們喜歡"君子之交清淡如水"。不是他們不喜歡同伴，而是他們和人交往更多地關注了對方的情緒，總想著照顧對方心情，不要發生衝突，所以感覺像是在工作一樣，無法真正的放鬆。 

較之對宮白羊座，天秤是另一種獨立的個體。白羊是一種外在的獨立，內心是熱的；天秤則是表面看似親和力很強，內心卻是任誰也無法融入的。天秤的冷靜，連他們自己也覺得驚訝。"我居然如此冷漠！太不可思議了……"他們審視自己的時候，感覺有點陌生。那是因為他們把內心世界掩飾得連自己都騙過了。
他們控制情緒的能力太強了。最親近的人會感覺到，天平給人不露聲色的隔離感，有時會被埋怨"太冷靜了，我都不知道你在想什麼！"
可是他們不是故意要隱瞞什麼，只是出於本能。一個連自己都騙過了的人，你還能要求他對你坦白什麼？ 

他們不喜歡歇斯底里，不喜歡痛哭失聲，不喜歡安慰別人也不怎麼喜歡被安慰。因為他們懂得，誰也無法真正理解另一個人。 

天秤，其實是很獨立的一個星座。他們在霓虹燈影裡微笑，在燈火闌珊處寂寞。他們叫你懂得：孤獨的最高境界是繁華。

*See 5/15 HK recap for explanation

So I had a decision to make: whether I was going to go to Cali as planned or on this trip with Boss2. (Libra style mental tug-of-war edited out for everyone's sanity) In the end, I decided that I was going to at least go on this trip and then decide afterward what I would do. If it doesn't work out, I can still go with my Cali plan. If it's one thing I've learned this past year, it's to be flexible.

When I told my friends and family, most people were confused but many were supportive. I guess they're so used to my strange lifestyle that they don't get weirded out anymore. But... with some people, I got really sort of peeved. I'm not one to harbor any anger. It's exhausting and generally not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. But really... this time, some people went over the line. When I told some people, their reaction was... well, basically insinuating that it was planned with the intention to turn it into somewhat of an indecent trip (i.e. boss + employee, man + woman = whoop! Scandal!).

Of course, I left out the fact that Boss2 is 66, has children and grandchildren and will be going with his girlfriend/life partner to HK if it all works out because it's exhausting to explain to everyone. But if you were my FRIEND and actually understood me, I really didn't need to mention all this. I have gone on trips with bosses (3), men, closer to my age, and ASIAN (lol)... and NOTHING happened (DUH).

So I'm angry. I'm quite angry. As I said, I don't care about money, power, fame... blah blah. I just like to keep life interesting, but I really don't like when my character is questioned - I don't like it one bit. If I had wanted to date my boss/es (someone with $ and blah blah) or get married and be rich... I'd have been married already (3+ times... lol). But dude, that's just NOT interesting. Convenience is not an option, it's BORING.

So once and for all, yes there is a wonderful opportunity in front of me (and I'll be working with about 8+ guys), but if I find that it's not what I want, even if it offers me courtship by a billionaire's son (b/c his DAD finds me a suitable candidate, wth) or hundreds of thousands of dollars or the opportunity to be a one woman powerhouse in China/HK... I'll pack my measly belongings (my new toys!!! :D) with my sad bank account and go on my journey.

Yea, I'm just nuts like that.

And there you have it. My developments.

Ah 2008. It taught me so much, especially in the subject matter of utmost importance to most people but I had neglected: Love.

Ok, it’s not just LOVE as in the type where you fawn over another individual or want to wear/parade this person like a badge of pride. It’s where you really want to give everything to someone.

My answer to my experience in love can be summarized by this. This song also came out around when I was suffering the most and accompanied me through many grieving nights. One of my friends who always seemed happy and chirpy, while listening to this song, became sad. And when I made fun of her, she said “we all have our pasts.” And I hurried to apologize to her. Yes, we all have our pasts. 感情的事，實在是不足爲外人道。What is wrong; what is right? Even someone who smiles and jokes around all the time may be hiding the most profound pain inside.

One of my friends had a huge struggle in the past year with someone I deemed ENTIRELY unworthy of her. He is a a two-timing, scheming, manipulative… ahem… *insert strong adjective that denotes distaste*. A year ago, if you told me that I would actually begin to understand how this unimaginable thing could happen, that such a smart and wonderful woman would fall so hard for… er… scum… I would laugh…

Then again…

A year ago, if you told me that I would actually try to understand the perspective of the third party in an established relationship;
A year ago, if you told me that I would be open to a relationship (no, I’m still not into dating… but who knows what’ll happen in another year… haha);
A year ago, if you told me that I would leave this beloved city NYC of mine that I said I would NEVER leave (after I attempted to move to LA in 2003)… and head out… somewhere…;
A year ago, if you told me that I would be actually thinking about trying to make tarot a regular practice…;

… I would laugh. But now I nod with a slight contemplative smile… Really… it’s only been a year, and my perspective on so many things have changed. Most importantly - Love.

In this year, I’ve won and lost and won again some things…. But no one would be able to tell me what these things mean/meant to me besides myself. Each experience is unique and irreplaceable. As a Libra, we’re among the WORST when it comes to letting go of things… and that (along with patience and self-love) has been one of my most important lessons this past year.

In our lives, we will inevitably end up hurt, and we will hurt others, conscious or unconsciously. All the hurt that I have received are conscious, and most of the hurt that I’ve given have been unconscious. Many times I don’t know until after the fact that I have deeply hurt someone (thanks, Pisces Moon). I used to beat myself up for doing that, because Libras cannot stand hurting other people. Acceptance of that as a natural occurrence has always helped me see life in a different view.

It is an honor and privilege to be loved by someone you care for (even if you do not love the person back the same way), so do not try to deny or run from it. It is a blessing to have someone that you could love with all your heart and give everything to, even if you end up the one “getting the shorter end of the stick”… but you realize that you are able to love - that you are a wonderful being fully willing to give so much of yourself to another human being, so do not try to forget it. Both sides are never to be taken for granted. Love, in its purest form, must include a love for yourself and an acceptance of the other.

In this world, there must be wish that can’t be realized alone. - Wish

Yes, there is always that wish that’s in the depths of our hearts. But before you can realize that Wish, you must open yourself to love, and to be loved.

And that, is when the Wish will come true.