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13th January 2012
Search for Destiny V: Dreams do come true
Humans dream - that’s one of the things that set us apart from other animals. We aspire to be great, or go somewhere wonderful, or do something amazing. Then we age, we experience setbacks, we become jaded, we give up, and resign ourselves to living a life deemed worthy by others. That’s all fine… except when we are not truly happy.
That’s how I was before until… I decided not to be.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with living a life that is socially accepted and endorsed by others. If one is completely happy, that is wonderful. The problem is that many people think there is no other way around it – they must live this way because they can’t achieve their dreams. This article really says something about having faith in yourself and your own wisdom. There’s a saying in Chinese “三歲定八十” (how you are when you are 80 is already determined by the time you are three). While that may sound a bit bleak, take heart – it does not mean that your life is set in stone before you have conscious memory of who you are. It just means that your fundamental personality is usually set when you’re still very young. Though that does not mean you cannot change it with events that happen in your life. It means that when you’re really young, you have more clarity to see what you truly want, before all the worldly conventions change your mind.
Looking back to the articles that I wrote when I first started this blog, back to when I haven’t found my way (and the ups and downs of nomadic life), it’s rather a huge change compared to now, something that many of my closest and longest friends have noticed as well. This is the final installment of the Finding Destiny Series, because I have found my Destiny: The Teacher and Mediator. Hereon I am going to write a series about lessons I have learned in life and explain them through my personal experiences. And the journey continues.
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23rd October 2011
Blog name change
The time has come: It is time to end Notes of a Desolate Libra.
This doesn't mean that I'm going to stop writing my blog or that there'll be an earthshaking change to the content. It'll still be an odd mix of the cocktail of interests I have as well as accounts of my odd journey through life and the lessons learned. It's just the name that will be changed.
The change was actually way overdue. I'm still a Libra of course, but I don't think anyone (including myself) will refer to me as "desolate" anymore. So the name of the blog no longer reflected who I was in my life path, and this had been true for over a year.
SO! Despite that I still love the book Notes of a Desolate Man, from which the original name of this blog was derived (I'm sure no one knew or cared :p), I don't think it's appropriate to hold on to something simply because it represented me at one point in my life.
We all have to grow, and we all have to walk our path. The new name of this blog is "Walking the Dao." This is a pun (yes, it's intended) on the word Dao, which means "the [Natural] Way [of the Universe]" or literally just "a path." I am not sure what I will find on my personal path of the Dao, but I'll try to enjoy every single moment of it. And you should too.
And for those of you who would like to follow me (for whatever reason), my RSS feeds have changed over the years due to my moving my blog around. If you still wish to follow me, just set your RSS feed to download from aka-c.com, because I don't plan on changing my domain.
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22nd August 2011
The Four Elements to becoming a better person
There are four Suits in Tarot: Swords, Wands, Cups, and Pentacles. They represent four aspects of the human experience, or four different types of people. Of course, they mean different things to different people, especially to a myriad of students of the Mystic arts. In my own life, they are four states that can really be applied to becoming a better person. Below are only my interpretations of the four Suits, colored by and spoken from my personal experiences.
Clarity of Mind (Swords) –Swords stand for rational thought, intelligence, cognitive skills, etc., all powers of the mind. Often Swords rely too much on their brains and overthink everything, consequently driving themselves into endless mental traps. Thus, the Suit starts with pure mental power/energy, and ends with despair driven by illusions created by the mind. The lesson this suit teaches is that the mind is powerful, but the power must be yielded when one’s mind is Clear. Only with clarity can the power of the mind be unleashed. Clarity comes from keeping focused on one’s goal. There do not have to be many goals, but each goal should be something meaningful to the individual’s core, not just a superficial temporary need. Clarity of mind means the ability for one to distinguish the truly important, fulfilling goals from the ones that are mere distractions.
Purity of Heart (Cups) – Cups are emotional, romantic, and always driven by the Heart. However, our easily influenced Hearts can be deceiving (or deceived) and lead us astray. Once emotions overpower everything else, we become jealous, angry, resentful, a mishmash of various unpleasant feelings. What can save one from this fall from grace is keeping one’s Heart pure - do everything with good intention, and remember that kindness and love are the best solution and remedy. Purity means safeguarding the child inside us. It keeps everything fresh, interesting, and innocent. Give absolute trust, and repay betrayal with forgetting (not forgiving, because that means you still keep it in your mind). Purity of Heart is the hardest to come by in life because so many of us are taught to put up a façade to keep from getting hurt. Getting hurt is very human, and pain is always a better teacher than comfort. If you keep the Purity in you, you will overcome all the pain you may encounter.
Strength of Will (Wands) – Wands are the go-getters, doers, builders, etc. They know that they must build everything with their own hands, and that as long as they have the will to do it and keep doing it, they will succeed at doing whatever they want. It doesn’t just mean the physical ability to accomplish something, but also the proper mindset. If one wishes to accomplish something, one must have the mental strength, or power of Will to drive oneself forward. Sometimes we are left only with our Will to lead us, because everything else has fallen apart. Without this intrinsic engine to drive forward, we’ll become stagnant, and complacent, and not be able to accomplish any of our goals.
Health of Body (Pentacles) – Pentacles refer to all the worldly comforts that we can possess. People (especially in their youth) expense so much energy and time pursuing material comforts that they tend to forget that no matter how talented, beautiful, wonderfully successful they are… they cannot enjoy anything if they do not have a healthy body. I’ve often heard my professors say that there are many people who come into their clinics, mostly male in their 40-50’s who have spent their earlier years working 70+ hour weeks to build a “good life,” especially to make sure that everything is provided for in old age. And now before they reach that “old age,” they are hit with various health issues that make it impossible for them to enjoy life. Is the tradeoff worth it? People sometimes are short-sighted. And we’re always taught to enjoy the present, so people may live as if there’s no tomorrow. However, it is possible to live happily with limited resources, because the richest person does not necessarily have the most material goods, but is one who can recognize and appreciate the immaterial goods that they already have.
Now comes the question of whether or not one can truly achieve the four things listed above, some of which contradict/conflict with each other. The truth is, even if one has one of the elements above, one has probably already gone further than the rest of his/her cohort. It’s impossible to achieve all of the above. After all, we’re only human, each with our humanly faults. I am not able to do it all either, but at least I have a guide/benchmark for what I’m striving toward. And all I can hope for is I have a good balance of all of the above. I’ve always relied too much on the power of the mind (part of my Swordiness) and ignored the Heart. I’m currently having lots of trouble integrating the different aspects of life experience, but at least I am aware of the reason behind it. There are people who start from the opposite end and have an equally difficult time. I know some people with sheer Purity of Heart, and I really do admire these people. It’s difficult to put oneself in the most vulnerable position (if you love all the way all the time, that means you always put yourself in a position to get hurt). However, they are also very lucky, because allow themselves to grow with the power of the Heart.
We all have our different paths; it’s important to remember that the journey is the most important, because we may never reach our destination.
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24th October 2010
Love & Marriage V
已經有許久沒有用中文寫一篇文章，久到我差不多忘掉如何用這些優美的詞句來編織心裏的話。很久以前，我曾經翻譯過12句據説會讓人心疼的話。沒有經歷過那些心痛情景的人，或許不能理解。但是我卻認爲，只要你有靈性悟性，你並不用經歷世間所有的悲痛也可以了解到這些悲痛所帶來的傷害以及成長。此時，看到別人訝異的悲歡離合，我只剩下會心一笑。
我是一個矛盾的人。我絕對相信命運，但是我也絕對相信個人的力量。就算命運如此，在一件事情發生之後你如何對待它，其實是凴你自己的決定。
很多人認爲愛是觸摸不到的。它要降臨你阻止不了它，它要離開你同樣無可奈何。這當然是事實。但這也是一種逃避責任的説法。你愛一個人，你該如何對待這份愛？如果你愛她，你當然會時刻記挂她，希望為她做一點事，花多點時間為她選擇一份你希望會最讓她開心的禮物。這無關男女，只是單純地想為一個重要的人做一點事。在愛中，我們很容易會迷失了自己，因爲自己已經成爲這份愛的一部分了。
如果有一天你失去這種動力心思，不再用心猜測她最近迷上的小玩意，不再特別在意她，執著為她挑選出最好的髮夾，到了那個時候，分開或許並不是一個難看的結局。
感情並不可恥。同樣，感情的失去，可以看做可惜，也可以説是可貴， 是結束，也是開端。
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10th September 2010
In Memory...
Even though she's not the most popular among the NYT op-ed columnists. I still like her. She's one to keep cool and have a sense of humor in the most "inappropriate" times. Her sentiments in her article about people who are abusing the idea of 9/11 really resonated with me.
Many people have asked me what my views are regarding the mosque. I honestly have no particular opinion about it. But since recently much attention had been drawn to the topic and as someone who was in NYC and have a majority of my family and friends in NYC, I feel like venting just a bit.
Frankly, I do not believe I'm qualified to say one way or the other. Ok, to be absolutely honest, I think it's absurd that the subject even came up (i.e. the request for the mosque). A friend asked me about the subject, fully expecting me to support her view that the mosque should be built because it's a sign of religious freedom and tolerance. Generally I'm a liberal minded person, but I think whatever the great idealistic ideas are behind the mosque, to make such a suggestion is perhaps a bit insensitive to the people who suffered during the tragedy. My friend said that those are just personal feelings - but personal feelings matter. What made people initiate these attacks, and drove people to risk their lives to save others, those were personal feelings too. Don't expect people to be always clear minded and reasonable about things - we're all human. That's what the problem/trouble is, and lovable/admirable about humans. We can be "big" at accept it, but you can't blame people for not wanting a monument that brings up incredible pain in them and where their final memories of loved ones lay rest. But now that the subject has come up, I can only say that rather than arguing for one way or the other, perhaps a compromise could be made? I'll let minds greater than mine figure this one out.
Now, by suffered, I mean really suffered through the event, not just imagining it to have something to do with you just because you watched it on TV. Regarding the barrage of political and popular attention on this issue, and about what 9/11 should represents and how it should be remembered... and how it affected us as a nation and whether we should/should not build the mosque, well, people who were not in NYC or had friends/family in the tragedy should just SHUT it. For those of you who were in NYC... please remember that when it happened, our first thoughts were to care for whoever needed help and to encourage professional emergency workers, not to spread hate. We didn't hold rallies against potential (likely) instigators, we mobilized civilian efforts to assist those who needed help and held memorials with love and respect in our hearts.
This is the first time I've actually retold my experience in writing.
I was a college student at the time. Tuesday September 11th started off as any normal September day, beautiful actually, one of those rare perfect weather days in NYC. I woke up around 9ish (I had a late class) and as always, first thing I did was to turned on my computer. I was surprised to find many emails asking if I were ok. Perplexed (I had no tv in my dorm), I searched online (at frustrating speed) and realized what happened. I immediately tried to call my parents, who were working in downtown area... but of course, the phone calls were not getting through.
Since we had no TV (not as if the stations were functioning) and the internet was too slow, a group of us gathered around my humble radio, listening as the second tower was hit, as flight 93 crashed due to heroic acts of the passengers on board, as the towers fell, as we wondered when there would be an end... and fearing for our loved ones.
Right outside my dorm window, there was a perfect view of downtown. On a nice day, I could see quite a few of the high rise structures in the beautiful Manhattan landscape. But on that day, there was only a giant grey cloud, shrouding the entire downtown.
I was among the fortunate. My family members were all fine. I had a few friends who had close calls (near or actually in the towers) but they all got out in time. My mom's coworker lost her only son, who worked on one of the floors and went back in to save his coworkers. I had friends who watched as people fell, or jumped, as they ran from the area. I..., I only grieved.
It's not quite possible to talk about how I felt at the moment. Even to this day, I cannot help but become emotional when I actually talk/think about the experience. We were sitting helplessly, wondering what we could do. We donated, we volunteered, we even visited the site and attended group memorial sessions (admittedly more for us than for those who passed). As I sat there on the steps (of my college) with a lit candle, in silence, in the heart of the usually bustling city I loved, grief filled my heart. That same grief, plus an incredible amount of pride, overwhelmed me when I saw stories of people who came from afar to offer help out of simple concern, love and care for other human beings, and especially... especially when I went down to the site to volunteer, but was only able to clap and wave at firefighters as they passed in their trucks. It's that pride and love that helped carry us through the ordeal.
Much has changed. Life must go on, and New Yorkers are nothing else if not resilient. But nevertheless, we all share the experience and grief for it in our own ways. Sure, I had nightmares of death, suicide and destruction for about a month after the event and screamed myself awake from disturbing dreams. Sure, I sat in despair and wept endlessly, alone and with others. And yes, there'll always be a hole in my heart. But New Yorkers don't talk about what they suffered in that experience everyday. We don't bring it up in conversations (if other people don't), nor do we use it to make a point about how terrible the world is and how the "system" must be changed and certain religions are so horrible that everyone of that faith must be evil. It's unimaginable for us to use such a tragedy to make any political statement. This tragedy is sacred, crystalized into our memories. That's simply disrespectful to our city, to the people who died in that event (including those who voluntarily risked their lives to save people in the flaming towers), and to those who still suffer to this day. I cannot speak of the people who had a deep personal loss during this, I speak only for myself and those whom I know share my thoughts and feelings on this.
(picture by my friend Sashi on one of the anniversaries)
It's pain we must all endure... but we do it in silence. If you had love, at all, for any human, then perhaps, just a little, you would understand how much we want to preserve and pay proper respect to the people who lost so much more than us.
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7th July 2010
Search for Destiny IV: Cheesecake and “Personal Legend”
The night before I left NYC, Jack (my computer guru) came to deliver a cheesecake to me. Cooking (mostly desserts or baking) has become his recent (ongoing) hobby. He had asked for a review of his cheesecake, but I’ll do slightly more than that.
His cheesecake was excellent, despite that it was a bit soggy from having been carried around for quite a few hours (NJ->Manhattan->Brooklyn). Of course, by this point you’re wondering what computer guru has to do with cheesecake. Well, all of us have hobbies. Some of us have hobbies that we really love but that we keep as “hobbies” instead of actually pursuing them as a career because we do not think it’s feasible. While I don't necessarily think Jack's cooking hobby is something he should pursue as a career, I think that he should not dismiss the idea. Anything is possible. And when we look back in life, it's the most wonderful thing to see that you have made the impossible possible.We are always looking for ways to realize our dreams... but there are obstacles that perhaps we don't even see. The other day I got a copy of The Alchemist entirely by accident (as my housemate called it: it's a gift from the Universe) so I'll use Paul Coelho’s intro to his book as a guide for this post.He mentions in the intro that there are four things between us and our Personal Legend, in this order:
1. Being conditioned since childhood into believing that what we want to do is not possible
2. We don’t want to hurt others by pursuing our dreams
3. Fear of defeats we shall most definitely encounter on the way
4. Fear of realizing our dreams (and consequently sabotaging our dreams so that they would never come true)Having personally walked through each of those steps, I had a knowing smile of understanding when I read the book, which is amazing, btw.Having been raised in a Chinese family, I was expected to: 1) get a stable job and stay with it; 2) get married by 25; 3) have children by 30; and 4) stay put and raise a family. Although I do not dismiss the importance of these things in life, I have done none of the above and am quite successful (@ least in my own terms) and happy. But having to convince myself that I did not have to walk that set path was not easy. I had never been a conventional person, but I grew up having these "points" drilled into my brain and it's been a constant struggle against them (b/c by nature I am not inclined to go this path). For those who are still struggling to get out of this stage, believe in your own strength and that even if you fail, there is a way back.Then, I came upon the stage of having to leave my protective shell, which my friends and family have built around me. At the same time that I lose their protection, they probably felt a sense of abandonment - I had left them. Knowing this, it was extremely difficult for me to leave NYC, which had everything I had known and loved. I did not want to hurt them or have them feel that I did not love them (it didn't help that my mother was doing tons of guilt-tripping). But at the same time that this is fear of hurting them, it is equally our fear of losing them and their protection. It's for their benefit and ours. There's nothing wrong with this struggle. And if you decide to give up because the fear of hurting them is so great, at least you know that you're well loved. However, if you want to take the risk, and you are in this stage, remember that those who truly love you will always love you, and even if you fail at your dream, when you return, they will still welcome you home with open arms.Fear of the difficulties is fully understandable, but also one of the easiest to overcome because it does not involve the decision of "choosing who you want to become." If you have the strength of mind to overcome the previous two, just think back to the incredible strength you displayed in having defied your entire upbringing and also stepping out of your comfort zone, and it is not too difficult get through this stage. As the Alchemist says, "the fear of suffering is much worse than the suffering itself."And finally, there is the incredible fact that we actually do have the urge/tendency to destroy our own dreams when we are just one step away from it. Why? Perhaps we're afraid of beyond our dreams. What if we can't achieve it? What if we no longer have a goal after we realize our dream? What if...Too much thinking, not enough doing. One thing I have been advocating is that, once you've thought enough about something and you still can't come to a conclusion, then perhaps you should just do it and then deal with the consequences. This is not to advocate stupid behavior. But I believe that most people who end up reading this (amazingly tedious) blog are mature enough to consider all possibilities (and ask everyone trustworthy around them) before they make a decision. If you have thought of everything, why not believe in your own good judgment and make a decision then stick with it and go with it?Life is linear, yet always circular. We never repeat time, but we often repeat history. The most important thing is to remember that everyone else's history does not have to be yours and you do not have to repeat your history like other people. In the end, you hold the key to your own destiny, whether it's in a cheesecake or in the corner office of a Manhattan high-rise... the choice is yours. -
16th June 2010
Interesting search words
Since I have Google Analytics installed on my website, I've had the pleasure of checking out how (with what keywords) people are finding me on the internet. Some of the queries really boggles my mind…
1. Sze Kwan Chan Birthday: What!? Why is someone searching on the internet for my birthday!?
2. charles denner and the pentacle of eternal wealth: HUH!??!?!? How do these keyword things work!?
3. chou yun fat – very nice: I know he’s very nice… but the only thing I have on Chow Yun Fat is my little rant on Curse of the Golden Flower. The visitor must have been disappointed.
4. faye wong mbt: Ok, Faye Wong I understand… but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of her wearing MBTs… er???
5. libra not happy: I’m sorry… but actually I’m quite a happy Libra…
6. miss you smelly memories even more nauseating than the heart hei hei yo: HUH!? WHAT!?
7. 洗腦中 translate: Um… “in the midst of being brainwashed”?!
8. you create happiness from the injury created by me中文意思: 從我給予你的傷害中，你創造了快樂……?
9. toilet slave eat shit: Argh...
10. are libra people crazy: Um... I would go into a LONG explanation about this but I'm not sure everyone's interested in more praising of Libra... the short answer is - Yes, we are crazy, but we are crazy in a way that makes the world a better place. :)There were other really funny ones in the past that I didn’t document… but sometimes they make my day! Of course, I’m the happiest when people find me through looking for translations of stuff on my site, especially of Xi Murong. :) I'm even happier when they spend more than 0:00 seconds on my site! :p The amazing thing is that I found my site to be one of the first ones to come up on all of the major search engines (Google, Bing, Baidu) for people searching for translations of her poetry. I have to say though, Google, get with it! I'm #1 with Bing and #2 with Baidu!!! >_
This also has inspired an idea to start a "translation request" section... let me mull over it... -
12th June 2010
Love and Marriage IV
This is a typical scenario. There are two people - One drives you mad, the other gives you peace. One makes you sad, the other tries to cheer you up. One tears your heart apart, the other soothes it with love and care. Why do people usually end up remembering or choosing the former one? It's a strange trick that our minds and hearts like to play on us. We tend to like adventure, conquering, directing, proving one's worth through relationships... but forget that love is more about sharing and compromising. It's usually not the person who fits you perfectly, it's the person whose faults you can stand.I always felt that if I spend too much time with someone I like/love, I would have less time to spend with this person in the future. That is, the time that we get to spend together is finite... limited. And I try to ration it out... and enjoy it later (the typical save the best for last). I was afraid that the more I spend, the less I have. Well, with novels, it's said that you put the three best chapters in front and another good one at the end... but that's not life.Regardless of what happens in the future, in the present moment, we should all treat our significant others or just people we care about in general with love and respect. Recent years there have been case after case of failed marriages/long term relationships around me, and I think the reason is not only that we grow apart as we mature and move forward in life, but also that we sometimes just tend to do the wrong things for the right reasons: considering practical reasons instead of personal/emotional reasons when deciding on who to marry; deciding to stay with someone because we feel obligated to do so, now because we want to do so; thinking that we're not going to find anyone better... etc. Perhaps I'm still naive, but I do firmly believe that when one marries, it should be to someone whom he/she has a deep intellectual, emotional and physical bond with. It has to be external, yes (we all need to consider life and perhaps even future generations), but it MUST be internal as well (Love seems now such a contrived word... but it gets the point across). Otherwise, it will come back to kick you in the @$$ some time in the future. Promise.[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="240" caption="Happy alone, or suffer together?"][/caption]
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8th June 2010
After the Rain 雨後
After the Rain （席慕容 Xi Murong，Translation: Aka）
Life – can also be a poemIf you allow me to progress slowly
quietly hoping, searching
dreaming in the dimming twilight
crossing unknown swamps
into darkened clouds
until I finally cry my tears
for all the
chances lost or paths crossed.Life, at its closure, will always
condense into a poem.
After the cleansing rain
my heart shall be brighter.If you would wait
in the end
all the fleeting colors of the sky
shall all drain into
the river of your heart.雨後生命 其實也可以是一首詩
如果你能讓我慢慢前行
靜靜盼望 搜尋
懷帶著逐漸加深的暮色
經過不可知的泥淖
在暗黑的雲層裡
終於流下了淚
為所有
錯過或者並沒有錯過的相遇
生命 其實到最後總能成詩
在滂沱的雨後
我的心靈將更為潔淨
如果你肯等待
所有飄浮不定的雲彩
到了最後 終於都會洭成河流 -
4th June 2010
Libra Sun, Pisces Moon
A while ago my friends and I were having a conversation about Sun/Moon signs and the Houses and planets of astrology. I’m a Libra Sun and Pisces Moon (I have 5 Libras in my chart, including Rising – surprise surprise). Now, I am not an expert on the particulars of this combination, but from experience, I could say that Libra gives me a great ability to deal with people and life, and Pisces is in the perfect position to tap into my inner spiritual side. Water signs tend to be more in tune to their spiritual sides and Wind Sun + Water Moon is perfect for anyone interested in the mystical arts. You’re born with it. That’s the positive side.However, this particular pairing has a problem – Libra, the scales, is always going in and out of balance. Pisces, with the two fish, like to move in different directions. Worse – they’re completely different signs. One shines outward and one delves inward. With the increasing influence of my Rising, however, the Pisces Moon is exerting much less influence now than when I was young (I used to be REALLY double-sided when I was much younger, going from extreme highs to extreme lows, and I never really understood it then). A classmate (and fellow mystic art enthusiast) jokingly said that all I need is a Gemini (the twins with split personalities) to complete the picture of duality. Unfortunately, I don’t have a Gemini in my Planets or Houses.[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="360" caption="Duality."][/caption]Having so much duality presents me with the problem of going back and forth on everything. The fortunate thing is that I have found ways to overcome my own downfalls after I became cognisant of them. However, another issue is that it seems Libra Sun + Pisces Moon makes you absolutely oblivious to displays of interest. This is interesting for all of those with this pairing. You have an uncanny ability to understand and empathize with others, but somehow are incredibly dense when it comes to your own feelings. I’ve given it some thought due to hard lessons learned in the past, and have come to the conclusion that perhaps because Libras are naturally outgoing (some say it’s the most flirty of signs, though I disagree, because I don’t consider being friendly and true to one’s Libra self “flirty” – this is such a troublesome social construction) so they attract tons attention and affection (or raised eyebrows on occasion). Normally Libras would be gleefully soaking in the attention and interest, but since Pisces is not used to all the attention and doesn’t really like it, whenever it detects (it *is* the most sensitive of signs) anything, it immediately shrinks inward and hides its true emotions, putting up a screen of obliviousness between the individual’s emotions and conscious thoughts.I think the way to overcome it is to be more aware of your surroundings and be able to accept them for what they truly are. I’m still learning that (attempts do not mean success, but at least it's a honest attempt) It’s not so much that I’m concerned about the relationship aspect of it (though it’s rather funny to find out years later about crushes people had on you) as that I need to know my own feelings before I can make a sensible decision.So Libras, remember you do have weaknesses (this “duality” in particular) but if you overcome them, you will be nearly invincible! (I say nearly because you still have a weakness for food, among other things… lol)
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Sze K. Aka Chan's Posterous
歸去，也無風雨也無晴。
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