Notes of a Desolate Libra

Tea does amazing things for bags under the eyes. It has antioxidants that are good for the skin. Just squeeze the bag of tea until it’s relatively dry (so you don’t get tea into your eyes) and then lay them down flat on top of your eyes, covering as much surface area as you can. Then leave them there for about 10 minutes. I’m not sure how many times you can do that, but I would suggest using them once or at most, twice. Also, when you are saving teabags (to be used later), put them in the fridge to keep the temperature low. The cooler temperature will keep the bags
So the next time you have a batch of teabags that you don’t quite know what to do with (black tea and green tea work the best, herbal tea not so much), why not try to use them for some eye pampering!

When I left SF, I left the bag of teabags to my roommate. I hope she figures out how to use them.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Yummy and useful!"]

A few examples of unexpected acts of kindness:

Starbucks lady – this lady whom I got a cup of Starbucks Chamomile tea from everyday gave me a box of the tea when she found out that I was leaving (NY).

Whimsical Tarot cards – I had been obsessing over this deck of cards for a LONG time but unfortunately they were out of print. So my friend (somehow) ordered a deck and gave it to me as a farewell present.

Dentist & Wife – when my dentist realized that I was leaving, he and his wife (separately) gave me little packets of toothpaste and toothbrushes and told me to call them out to dinner if I get back in the city.

Caltrain pass – I was in line buying a train pass and someone walking by just handed me a pass (it was a monthly and that was the last day of the month, but still).

Of course, there are the wonderful people who showed me immense generosity, family and friends. I’m still amazed that so many of my friends were able to join me on my travels in the past few months. I look forward to more random acts of kindness and also to learning how to be a kind person myself.

1) When you have a party, tell everyone it's at 7 if you want them to get there by 9. I thought it's a HK thing, but I guess it's a Cali thing too..
2) When you pay cash on the muni for a ticket, you'll get a transfer that is supposed to last 90min, but if you're lucky and your driver was feeling generous, you may end up getting one that gives you a few more hours and you end up going and coming back on the same ticket... oh and it's for unlimited transfers within that time.
3) Having MSG in your food seems the norm here, so if you are allergic, either learn to cook or be really careful with your food (esp if you're Asian).
4) The Muni monthly cards are good for three days after the month that the card is for.
5) Californians seem to be less passionate about traveling. They're happy just being in CA. They are more easily content about their lives. No issue. Just observation.
6) The ATMs here are all outdoors. I have yet to see one indoors where I can deposit my money without looking every which way. Sheesh.

And the list may go on...

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Kick-@$$ travel partners!"]

Wendy and I got back to the city and after dropping her off at her apartment and changed there, I went off to the Miss Asia Pageant at the Palace of Fine Arts to join people from WZRC in NYC. It would have been fine if Ed (my GPS) didn’t almost take me across the Golden Gate bridge. But finally I made it to the pageant. Knowing how the station operates, I went to find S+S and sure enough, ended up being draft to work the pageant. I ended up counting the votes for the contestants and also running around trying to figure out where everyone was. It was most amusing. Interesting enough, I discovered that all the contestants were wolfing down pizzas backstage because they were so hungry. Aye. I guess it works for some people. I personally like working backstage much more.

After the pageant I went to dinner with the winners/contestants/backstage people. The drive down to Daly City would had been uneventful if not for the fact that I got lost in the 750239849 parking lots. But when, at the end of the evening, I finally parked Claypole back at his little station, I was so very thankful that I was able to go on this trip, everything turned out wonderfully, and I was even able to see people from the station and get a nice dinner and get a glimpse of the world of glam (ahem).

Regardless, I think everything is a valuable experience and I treasure every moment of it.
There are a few things that I learned on this trip:
1) Zipcar is the BOMB! I LOVED my little Claypole (he’s BLUE)! Though… I might still get a Yaris if I do get a car…
2) Do not EVER assume that parking lots are easy to navigate… EVER!
3) Even if you think it’s not possible for you to reach your goal (like how I thought quite a few times when I looked at the “impossible” trails)… if you keep at it… you actually will reach it. You may be deathly exhausted, but it’s possible to get there. This from the person who, looking across the desolate desert land, thought it was impossible to reach the second lake… but we did.
4) TomToms are very nice little GPS devices. Zhou had a Garmin but he said the timing on my Ed was better. :D
5) Don’t mess with ladies driving a truck with a freaking BOAT on it on a VERY curvy mountain path.
6) When a mattress unexpectedly drops in front of you on the highway, maintain your cool (no it wasn’t us, but we saw it happen) because there’re a lot of other people behind you.
7) There is almost NO reception around the YMB area… at least that’s the case if you have T-Mobile.
8) Hiking in MBTs… may not be the best idea.

Ah the life of a freelancer...

Ok,these days I've been working the most insane hours and I leave my phone on all day because I use it as an alarm (ok I know I don't need it on for just that reason) and I have to catch a call if an agency calls me (and they don't really have the same concept of "appropriate" time as normal people...). I sleep at 5am and wake up around 7 or 8am to see if there are new projects or do same day projects, then I plop back into bed if there's nothing else going on... waking up usually around 2-3pm... then cook/eat one meal for the day...

Life is not too exciting... so my new indoor hobby has become (as I expected) - cooking. It's actually very zen when you stand there and chop vegetables. And it certain takes a lot of innovation to figure out how to mix the left overs from last night with what's currently expiring in the fridge to make a decent meal... generally ending up eating the same thing for days because one batch from the supermarket is too much for one person to eat in one meal...

Today I had a vendetta against eggs (actually it's just because I'm excited to have eggs in the house - bought them 2 days ago), so I cooked steamed double eggs (salted and regular, 1:2) with vermicelli and also steamed eggs dessert (used condensed milk instead of sugar, didn't put plastic wrap on top because I didn't have any... and it still turned out smooth!)... mmmmm... cholesterol...

There are some others...

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="576" caption="So I see why freelancers gain weight..."]

There are many things you have to learn when you're on your own. I have been on my own before, when I was in college, but the feeling is complete different. Things that I've learned...

1) Be sensible about what you need at the present moment - I've always been a great fan of preparing for the unexpected. Have at least two of everything. I was listening to a recording by Marie Forleo before and there's one thing that she said that really resonated with my current considerations: "only spend money on what you need now."
2) Be creative about using and reusing what's around to fulfill your everyday needs so you don't have to a. spend too much money and b. don't gather too much stuff - I've been using the same philosophy with other things too. Congee cans are being used as pen holders, styrofoam trays as drying trays, cup cover as coaster...  oh using egg shells to remove all the burnt bits off the side of my frying pan. A glorious end to the piles of egg shells...
3) I've realized that the only way I feel like I can work is when everything is neat and orderly... so I wiped the entire place with cleaning solution then with wipies then with a sticky roller... yes... paranoid... but effective.
4) SF is kind of humid so everything starts rotting or smelling much faster... so buying a charcoal moisture absorbing device is very important.
5) Hide away as much as possible... and you know what, not too much is needed!
6) Ok... I admit it... I'm a bit OCD'ed...

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="576" caption="Transformation of my tiny room.*"]

7) Ok... so I can't go anywhere without creating a food hideout... it's happened at EVERY place I've worked... I was the creator of the Food Can/Fund at the lawfirm where I worked as a paralegal (the tradition continues), Food Drawer at CU, Food Cabinet at iaTV, Food Drawers II and III at LW and CH and was officially known as the Supplier... >_<

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="360" caption="My food closet... >_<"]

*editing pictures is a bit difficult without photoshop... >_<

Yes, I'm headed back to New York City for at least 3 months, September-December. I have yet to decide whether I want to spend Christmas and New Years in New York or in SF area (probably down to SoCal with friends if I come back to CA). But that's for another day.

When I left my old company on a LoA (it'd have been more problematic if I told them straight out that I was leaving), I brought in a friend to take over my position. The plan was that when I inform my ex-bosses that I was not going return to the company, he would permanently take over. It's a win-win situation on all fronts.

But recently, my friend found a good internship opportunity that will span 3 months (Sept-Dec). Problem is, the company cannot wait for him for 3 months so he would end up jobless when he comes out of the internship, which is rather undesirable in this abysmal economy.

Being the one who always tries to find a solution where everyone benefits or at least suffers the least damage (yep, Libra), I came up with a strange plan... strange, but awesome if it worked: I would return to NYC and replace him at my old job for 3 months.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="240" caption="Look around you."]

This way:
1) I can make some money before school (which could start in Oct or Jan, and this gives me more time to prepare for it) AND take WingTsun lessons from Sifu (YAY).
2) Sifu will get some front end help (if he needs it) because he's expecting to be shorthanded come Sept.
3) My friend would have a job to return to.
4) There's no disruption to work and my ex-bosses don't need to spend money, time, and effort finding someone who may or may not be trustworthy.

There was the issue of my roomshare - I would have to leave it empty and pay rent for 3 months for a room I'm not using.

Incidentally, I have been in contact with another girl who is trying to move from NYC to SF (like myself) and I thought, why not ask if she's interested in subletting my roomshare for the time that I'd be in NYC? It'd be good for her to have a friendly place to stay and really try out the city.

5) Apparently it was a good turn of events for her too.

So in the end, if everything works according to plan, 5 parties would benefit from this arrangement (not counting my parents and friends in NYC whom, I assume (lol), would be happy to see me before I implant myself semi-permanently in SF for school).

It just happened that this time everything fell into place. Sometimes I feel like there are always options and the solution is there, but we just fail to grasp/grab it. But when you're ready, things will fall into place.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="WT RULES!"]

There were a lot of lucky coincidences in this matter, but there were a lot of conditions, were they not mature, things would not have happened the same way. What if she wasn't ready to move or I didn't ask her? What if my boss wanted to hire someone entirely new? What if my school only opened admissions once a year? What if I had already committed myself to a job? What if...

I think in the end you should always prepare yourself and be ready to accept/work with all the opportunities that come your way. They may not come for days, months, or even years. But if you're not ready for them, you will miss out on them when they do come along. The best thing is that the planning and personal development that you put into preparing are rewarding in themselves.

On top of that, I'm visiting Alex&Di in Canada for a few days and decided I would drop by and train with Sifu Carson Lau's WT school in Richmond Hill for a day. Turned out that there will be a web channel interview on that day so I get to see a lot of cameras and WT demonstrations! WHOO HOO! (<-total geek when it comes to certain things...)

Of course... before all of this, I am still going on my trip to Yosemite, Lake Mono and Bodie.

So there... my latest... Run.

There are many things we cannot control - life, death, love, etc. But we can control who we are/become. These days I've been challenged in a bunch of ways, not the least of which is moving to San Francisco from my beloved NYC.

My friend Frank asked what I value the most. Well, I don't have any interest in "things." Even though I took effort in building what I have right now, I can pick up and go at any moment. What I hold most precious are all intangible, except maybe (as he had reminded me) my health.

My parents are the most important thing to me. They (typical of Chinese parents) are also the ones who can make me immeasurably miserable. My father went from saying that I "have no friends and family because I'm heartless" to saying that "I value my friends more than my family" and has succeeded in causing strings of anxiety attacks and semi-suicidal thoughts in the past (it's gotten much better since). My mom is generally a jovial and cool lady, unfortunately just as good as any Chinese mother at guilt tripping her daughter, declaring that I "have never done and do not know the first thing about doing laundry/cleaning/cooking/anything" to "might as well forget about everything and everyone" because "I don't care anyway". They think (sometimes) the best thing they can do for me is to destroy me (because, they said, no one else will do it). Ok, so... sometimes it gets a bit difficult.

At this time, when I'm in a new city, trying my best to get acquainted with the place and people, work on an odd schedule, and make the best of everyday with barely any support, it's not the easiest thing. There have been kind people, but in the end, I know I'm on my own and alone. I've left everything I love (purposely) behind so that I can become a better person for the sake of those I love.  I want to become a better person with each day, because I deserve it, the people I love deserve it. Contrary to popular images of me, yes, I'm anti-social (mostly when I'm lazy); yes, I get depressed; and yes, I get lonely.   These days I have been much better at keeping myself level and on the up because I know I hold what's dearest to me in my heart and no one can take that away.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="All Dharma Originates from the Heart."]

Through it all, I may cry, I may despair, I may even swear and scream and threaten to get violent (lol)... but I do still remind myself: what IS, is how it SHOULD be, and what is MEANT to be is how I MAKE it.  So I pick myself up and keep going. In the end, I know that what makes a true difference is what many people these days spurn because they are afraid of getting hurt:

a Gentle Heart.

看了一個網站，感觸良多。我發現我還是最喜歡看一些溫暖人心的話句，那令我快樂，也令我思考。所以我決定了，我要做一個溫柔的人，擁有一顆溫柔的心。把我最好的一切，獻給所有愛我以及我愛的人。

因爲席慕容，我看清楚了“溫柔”這個詞。總有一天，我希望能夠寫出一樣感動人心的詞句。非是石破天驚，但是卻細水長流。

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="461" caption="Remember who you are..."]

So on Monday, when I was driving down from SF to Campbell to do my second day of training, I had my first mini individual accident. Basically I was turning off the highway and there was a car pretty close behind me, exiting as well. I got really nervous and panicked and went a little bit too fast – hit the curb on the side of the highway exit and ended up racing half way into the street that was right off the highway. And I later found out that my hubcap actually flew off when I hit the sidewalk.

After my mad dash into the street, I held on to the wheel really tightly and told myself to just go into autopilot and just drive and turn until I’m safe (since obviously I was not safe with my car at 180 toward oncoming traffic). Every time I got really scared thinking about what could have happened, I held on really tight again and told myself it’s over, and not to think about it lest I get into another sticky situation due to lack of attention to my present conditions.

This was a real shock to me. I didn’t really think much about what could have happened. It’s the same as when I was in the previous accident with Alan, when I was 180 and staring at headlights racing toward me, it wasn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world. People say that your life flashes before you when you think your life is about to end… I think I didn’t even have the time to think that much.

The people at work were super nice. I wanted to go back and look for the hubcap but the boss was really concerned so he sent one of his people to go with me. It’s fortunate that he did that because otherwise I would not even have recognized the highway exit and gone around it (everything was a blur during and following the incident). As it were, we parked around the exit and lo and behold then there was my hubcap. We couldn’t believe that it was actually there, so neatly turned over, sitting on the sidewalk. But hey, I’m not complaining. When we came back, one of the other employees actually helped me put it back onto the wheel and it was as if the accident never happened.

Disaster averted.

Could had been REALLY bad… but turned out ok. I went on to WT class afterwards (now that my tire wasn’t leaking air anymore) and then drove back to SF at night. Don’t ask me how I pushed myself to do it, I’ve been doing a lot of self-pushing these days. After this incident, the boss told me “there’s no point in panicking because you’re either too early or too late.” It’s very true in many ways. I am either just paranoid and over think something before it happens or it’s already too late to turn back… so why even waste your mind and time thinking about it. Ok, easier said than done, but I think having had that accident during the day made my driving at night even more careful. I mean my damn Ed just kept on telling me to go in loops (I went out the same exit TWICE and a bunch of U turns at NIGHT so I could make a switch from the 280 S to the 280 N) and then when I was around my destination, I didn’t realize that it wasn’t allowing me to turn a certain way because some of the streets didn’t allow left turns so it took me an extra 10 min to get home… but I got home.

I firmly believe that until you’ve had your first little incident alone that you won’t become a better driver. The awareness of what you’re doing just isn’t there. I don’t know if this will make me a much better driver, but I know that it has at least made me much more careful with driving. My attitude towards driving has changed a lot in the past years. In the past I wanted to do it but avoided it because I was scared for myself and other people. The thing now is that I need it in order to be able to be a good daughter/friend as well as be independent, which is very important to me. There are a lot of times when driving will be absolutely necessary in my life, and I want to be prepared for it when it is needed. Just like swimming (my next project). At least now, I don’t panic whenever I get into a car. It’s like the first in a long time I forced myself into it – you just gotta do it. There’s no way around it.

There are certain things that are the same between San Francisco and New York... I guess some things just stay the same on matter where you are.

1) Annoying kids on the bus causing a scene with their yelling and screaming and kicking and nagging (until they see me doing WT stretches then they stop and O_O).
2) Bus routes somehow are rather inaccurate. I followed the route on a map and somehow ended up in a bad neighborhood of some sort... er...
3) Mean bus drivers seem to be everywhere... but of course there are some who are quite nice, but ALL of them seem to be maniacs when it comes to driving!
4) Grandparent(s) trying to appease 3+ of their grand kids at the same time.
5) Nice mix of ethnic people.

These days I've been going through emotional ups and downs. It's not easy being a stranger in a city, no matter how friendly (or happy lol) the city. My lows seem to usually be in the mornings and my highs are usually (somehow) when I am walking down Eucalyptus from the muni station to my uncle's house at night. For some reason, in the past few days, when I was walking down that path and just having some random thoughts, I would get really excited and happy about life in general. This does NOT happen when I walk up the path to the station. Lol. Who knows. Some sort of Fung Shui thing?

Walking around with Lan gave me a good reminder of what's important to me (she really has to find a new shopping partner if she moves here. >_< Some things just don't change). At the moment, there are just two things in the world that I cannot let go of - one I do not EVER want to let go of, however hard it makes my life: my love for my parents, and the other is something I've been trying very hard to let go of for the past while.

それは、あの人への思いだ。それを、如何しても捨ててられない、捨ててたくない。今日、友達のランは、”心の中に、誰かがいることも、幸せの一つじゃない？”と言いました。それでも、本当だね。私は、あの人の生活や他の何もの一部になれないだ。いいえ、なれないじゃない、あの人の生活の一部がなれるよ。でも、なったら、彼の心の一部になれないことをもっと深く分かるから、心の痛みは、だんだん重くなる。捨てても難しい、捨ててなくても難しい。心に関する秘密は、やはり理性でも何でも分かれない。
日本語は便利だね？（笑う）自分だけが分かるように、心の言葉を伝えられる。

Yesterday, when I was at Cheesy's @ Union Square, I looked down and saw the lamps lighting up Union SQ at night. I really liked it. I guess it's certain moments when you feel like you can belong to a certain place. However, I'm such a slow person when it comes to my own feelings that I am not going to assign anything (such as sense of belonging) to my momentary thought yet. I have been talking to and meeting a lot of random people since I've gotten here (I've given out more business cards here than I have in the year that I've had the business cards, except to my friends) and I can see this becoming a trend.

I can only... stand firm on my dreams... and hope it'll bring me somewhere.